February 14, 2008

At a loss for words

Today has been one of those days. I'm not complaining, really, because I know how lucky I am to have my 3 healthy children. But, man, were they on a roll today. They hit each other (Jacob and Clara), yelled, screamed, were whiny, and didn't take a nap. Jacob does okay without a nap but Clara still needs it. I know they just need to get out of the house, but it's been so nasty out weatherwise that that doesn't happen. One more week and they'll be back at daycare 2 days a week and that'll help. They miss their friends who are (already) cooler than Mommy.

Tonight I talked with my SIL who delivered her 39.4 week stillborn 4 years ago. Since I found out I was pregnant with Isaiah, she hasn't called much and hasn't been down to visit as often as before. And after Isaiah was born, things are worse. She admitted that a picture of my FIL holding Isaiah looked just like my FIL did holding her daughter. She did alright when Clara was born, (even though I found out I was pregnant with her just 1 month after Mirabel died), but she was blonde and didn't have much hair. Her daughter, Mirabel, had a full head of dark hair. Isaiah has a full head of dark hair. When they were down for Isaiah's baptism a couple weeks ago, she had to get up and leave at the end of the service when the last hymn was "Amazing Grace" - a song played at her daughter's funeral. I just don't know how to act. I can't even imagine how she feels. I have 3 children and she never got to hear her baby cry. We had such big plans for Jacob and Mirabel, since they were born only 5 months apart. I'm not quite sure how to explain, but I really think she's having a hard time. My SIL and BIL haven't had another baby. She always has a reason not to, whether it be finances, or a wedding coming up, etc. She told me she wanted to be pregnant together again, so I really thought they'd go for it when I got pregnant with Isaiah. I guess I just miss the relationship we had before I got pregnant with Isaiah. And it's different now. I feel like she's avoiding me, and really, I wouldn't blame her if she is. I don't know how I would be if I lost my only child and my SIL had 3 kids. I know that nothing will replace Mirabel, but I just want for her to be pregnant and to know what it's like to deliver a live baby. To feel that joy and relief with the first cry. To know the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. But I feel at a loss when I talk to her. I feel like she's waiting for me to say the right thing, but I just don't know what to say.


Brooke (CrazyRN) said...

It's so hard to see our loved ones going thru a hard time when we have been so blessed in our own life.

My younger sister has been struggling with infertility treatments the past 5 1/2 years. She's been thru so much heartache, yet she continues to put on a happy face for her 4 nieces & nephews. All I want is for her to be able to experience her own pregnancy and have a biological child of her own.

And with our line of work, it's so hard to be happy for new life being brought into the world when you know what kind of home environment those babies are going home to. It's just not fair.

It was a long road for my mother (she was pg with twins and one was stillborn at 36wks) but the pain somehow gets easier. I hope your SIL is able to find peace and experience the beauty of motherhood.

AwkwardMoments said...

WOW- that is a bit of a very very very difficult situation. I don't think there is a "right thing to say" but a right thing to do. Talking to her, letting her have a place to discuss Mirabel and an open heart. This is just so much for one person to deal through! It is good of you to want her to experience pregnancy again and maybe she needs that - support- and you are givng her the best you know how it sounds!

faedrake said...

It is tough. I have a friend who had a a hysterectomy for medical reasons when she was in her late teens. I'm going to be TTC soon, and I just don't know what/if/how to talk to her about it.

If I were in your shoes, I would talk to her or send her a note that says you care about her and miss her but understand if she needs space from you.