August 28, 2007

Raging hormones

I've been waiting for it and it finally happened...I had an emotional breakdown at work. We have a patient who is pregnant with twins, 20 weeks, and had a cerclage placed a week ago. (stitch in the cervix) Membranes ruptured on baby B when the doc was trying to place the cerclage. She's been hanging out with us on bedrest as we try to get her to 24 weeks and transfered to a hospital with a NICU. She has such a long way to go. Anyway, I've taken care of her every night I've worked. She's stable, hasn't started cramping, bleeding, no fever, and not really leaking any amniotic fluid anymore. Yesterday morning, I couldn't stop thinking about how unlikely she is to make it another 4 weeks without getting infected, delivering, etc. She's only a couple weeks behind me, so I get to thinking about what I would do if she were me, etc and had a hell of a time getting to sleep. Last night at the beginning of the shift, we had to move her from our antepartum room to L&D because she was cramping. It was too much for me. Even though I've taken care of her and talked with her quite a bit in the middle of the night when her mind wouldn't shut off, I couldn't take care of her. It hit too close to home, I guess. She ended up being stable within an hour. This happened when I was pregnant with my second baby. There was a patient who delivered a stillborn 34 weeker and I was 30 weeks along. I cried and cried. I wasn't so bad this time, but I couldn't stop a few selfish tears. And I think that's what they were. I feel horrible for her, and pray she does beat the odds and makes it or even has the membranes around the baby seal over. Maybe some of it was for her. But most was because I worry about this little boy growing, probably because I see all the bad things that can go wrong in pregnancy. And I am grateful it isn't me. So, until I return from maternity leave, I won't be taking care of anyone who has lost their baby, or like this mom. I'm also starting to show a bit through scrubs and we try to keep pregnant nurses away from people who have or are in the process of losing their baby b/c the last thing they need is a happy pregnant woman taking care of them.
Anyway, I'm off for the next 4 days so I plan on enjoying my time away from the hospital. I did take some belly shots a couple days ago (something I regret that I didn't do with my first 2 kids) and sometime I'll get around to posting them because I love seeing other people's bellys and seeing how they grow. Just shows you how amazing a woman's body really is.


Kristina said...

Just for the record, I think it is very touching with a member of the medical team cares enough about you to cry. You call it selfish, I call it empathy. (((hugs)))

Jen, Rich & Joey said...

I will for sure include a prayer for the woman with the twins.

When I was in the hospital losing my son Erik, it was the comforting tears that one nurse shared with me one late night that helped validate my feelings. I realize that it is not in her (or any nurses') job title to connect with her patients in this way, but I can not explain how her tears and kind heart helped me through that tough time.

Shedding tears for someone going through something so tragic isn't selfish, just because it is not you. Its raw human emotions, and its what keeps you a compassionate person to be able to do your job. I DO think distancing yourself (because of the growing belly) is a really noble thing to do for those women losing or have just lost their baby(ies).

On another note, I hope you enjoy your time away from work and can't wait to see your belly pics.