September 1, 2009

Pure Hell

Pure, and total Hell. That's the best way to describe having to go work in obstetrics with your pregnant coworkers a week after learning you miscarried. An hour before I even had to leave for work, I started having a sick feeling in my stomach, and it got worse as I parked in the parking deck. It was seriously the longest 8 hour shift I've ever worked. The funny thing is, though, is I found I was pretty OK taking care of my labor patients. Really, it was just working with my pregnant coworkers that killed me. I could hardly bring myself to even look at them. And I feel horrible about it, but I'm just so jealous and emotionally raw right now to be anything but selfish. I hope and pray that their pregnancies end up with them holding a live baby because they are great deserving women. And both of them had a bit if difficulty getting pregnant. One miscarried twice before this pregnancy and the other took 2 years. So I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it hurt to work with them. The schedule I had didn't show them working last night, but we were busy so they were called in. And of course, several people gave their regrets, which was nice but set me off crying every time. I know it will get better in time. One girl said after 2 months, it wasn't so horrible walking through the doors. I sure hope so, because right now I don't feel like I'm dealing so well. And I just keep thinking about all my coworkers who have miscarried over the years, and how I just didn't understand how much they hurt. Someone said that's the only "good" thing about a miscarriage, that you finally understand how much the loss, regardless of how early, affects you.

13 comments:

Jennifer (Niffer) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer (Niffer) said...

so sorry you had such a rough night! I guess you really ended up biting the bullet (working with your pregnant co-workers)... At least you don't have that looming over you, you've done it...and survived...

Morgan@DiaperingandBeyond said...

I hope your next day/night on goes easier.

LivingDeadNurse said...

sorry for your loss, your braver than me, i am proud of you that you went back and survived. i hope things get better soon for you. i am sorry that i haven't been around. I read your list of things not to say and appreciate that. what i didn't know since i was behind on your blogs was that it was directed about you.
have a good day

Anonymous said...

I have had a 3 pregnancies. One with severe pre-E and 9wk NICU stay (she's now 3), one ended in a 33wk stillbirth, and I had a miscarriage about the same time as you. I work in a hospital too. A lot of people didn't know I was pregnant yet - by my choice. The day I went back to work last week after my D and C, no less than 4 pregnant co-workers had a gathering 2 feet from me to compare US pix and compare when they were having their AFP tests and the like. UGH - it is torture. I never take anything regarding pregnancy for granted.

studentrntiffany said...

Im so so sorry for your loss. I hope that the next night goes better for you.

manapan said...

It will slowly get easier. But just to warn you, it might get worse again for a while once your coworkers give birth. I know you're in all of our thoughts and prayers.

Caro said...

It is totally reasonable to be jealous and you have the right to be a bit selfish while you are grieving. Take your time and take as long as you need.

This is so true:
"Someone said that's the only "good" thing about a miscarriage, that you finally understand how much the loss, regardless of how early, affects you"

Laura said...

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot even imagine the pain you must have felt having to go to work. Please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Know you are loved by many. Sending you hugs from MN!!

Fertilized said...

i am VERY late on the incredicbly shit time you have been having. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am so very sorry. Gosh, I am just very sorry

wife.mom.nurse said...

I remember how hard it was. I'm truly sorry you are going through this.

Jennifer (Niffer) said...

for you... a beautiful story, who knows how this all really works, but it lifted up my heart, and maybe it will lift yours too. get your Kleenex. read it when you are ready.it's a story from a woman who experienced a loss similar to yours, and what her 12 year old son had to say about it all...

http://www.babycatcher.net/excerpt2.html

MoDLin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless you for what you do and for getting up and going back to it with grace and caring. I hope your co-workers understand.

I liked your post on what not to say, etc. Have you seen the March of Dimes bereavement material? http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572.asp Many folks have found this helpful, too.