September 1, 2009
Pure, and total Hell. That's the best way to describe having to go work in obstetrics with your pregnant coworkers a week after learning you miscarried. An hour before I even had to leave for work, I started having a sick feeling in my stomach, and it got worse as I parked in the parking deck. It was seriously the longest 8 hour shift I've ever worked. The funny thing is, though, is I found I was pretty OK taking care of my labor patients. Really, it was just working with my pregnant coworkers that killed me. I could hardly bring myself to even look at them. And I feel horrible about it, but I'm just so jealous and emotionally raw right now to be anything but selfish. I hope and pray that their pregnancies end up with them holding a live baby because they are great deserving women. And both of them had a bit if difficulty getting pregnant. One miscarried twice before this pregnancy and the other took 2 years. So I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it hurt to work with them. The schedule I had didn't show them working last night, but we were busy so they were called in. And of course, several people gave their regrets, which was nice but set me off crying every time. I know it will get better in time. One girl said after 2 months, it wasn't so horrible walking through the doors. I sure hope so, because right now I don't feel like I'm dealing so well. And I just keep thinking about all my coworkers who have miscarried over the years, and how I just didn't understand how much they hurt. Someone said that's the only "good" thing about a miscarriage, that you finally understand how much the loss, regardless of how early, affects you.