September 29, 2009
Five weeks ago today, I went to bed after fretting all weekend that there was something wrong with the pregnancy, although I had no reason to think so. Five weeks ago, I woke up in the afternoon and was bleeding. Five weeks ago, my heart was crushed. It has only been 5 weeks, but at the same time, it seems like that was a lifetime ago. In a way it was. That day and the day I had my D&C and delivered the pregnancy in the bathroom did change me forever, probably in ways I don't even realize yet. There will always be a part of my heart that is broken, a part of me that realizes how much it hurts to lose a pregnancy. I understand that it doesn't matter if the pregnancy ended early, that you have hopes and dreams of what life would be like with that child. But, I'm really doing well. For the last week, I hadn't cried, and hadn't really been too sad. I really think working in OB forced me to grieve hard and fast, to figure out a way to get to a place emotionally so I can take care of pregnant women and new moms. Kinda like exposure therapy, I guess. This a.m., after a quiet, easy shift at work (couldn't believe it) I got home and out of the blue, I started crying, and I let the tears fall. I let myself grieve again for the baby I'll never hold on this earth. I did wonder what in the world brought on the tears, but I think that happens to everyone. After awhile, I decided to head to bed, and I noticed that AF had made her return. I was happy to see her for the first time in years, probably since I was a 12 year old, hoping to cross that bridge into womanhood. I am happy as that means my body is getting back to normal, although I know it could still be a couple cycles before it is regular again. I am sad as it reminded me that I should have been about 16 weeks. But now we have the green light to try again if we so desire. I'm happy for that. But the timing was impeccable. Exactly 5 weeks ago, I went to the bathroom and found blood, not expecting it. Exactly five weeks ago, I lost all hope for that pregnancy. Today, I have hope that I can have a successful pregnancy in the near future. Five weeks. Only God knows what the next 5 weeks will bring.