August 28, 2009

Worst Week Ever

This is probably going to be a long, very detailed, kinda graphic post, so you have been warned.

I have to say that this has been the worst week of my entire life. I honestly don't think anything else tops this. Nope, nothing. Like I said, I woke up Tuesday afternoon bleeding. That night at work I was kinda freaking out, I just felt like something was wrong, couldn't explain why, but I just felt like something wasn't right. So we went to ER after the bleeding, empty sac, no baby, negative urine pregnancy test, call office on Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, my OB calls me, asking how things were going, if I was cramping, bleeding, etc. She read the reports from the sono and asked me if I wanted to go ahead with a D&C or wait. She said she'd give me until Monday, but that the sono showed that the baby stopped developing around 8 weeks, and that it had been almost 3 weeks already and I was only bleeding a little, with very little cramping. I opted to schedule a D&C. Hearing that it had been about 3 weeks hurt. For 3 weeks, my baby was dead and I didn't know. We scheduled it for 11:30 on Thursday. My SIL and sister both came down to help with the kids and my sister was going to come to the hospital and sit with Husband, and to help calm my nerves. I had a phobia about general anesthesia. Anyway, doc said that if things did start on their own, the cramping would be pretty severe and I'd bleed heavily. But, I didn't think that would happen. 3:15 am, I wake up with horrible cramps. They progressively get worse until they started coming like labor contractions. I had no idea it would be like that. I started passing small bits of tissue. It was horrible pain, and horrible thinking that this "tissue" would have been my child. At 7AM, I can no longer talk through the contractions, so I call the office and they said I could go ahead and go in as scheduled, or I could cancel the D&C and let nature continue on. But they said it could last for days and I still might need a D&C to get all of the tissue. I opted to go ahead with the surgery, I couldn't stand the thought of days of that. It was horrible pain. I didn't hurt that bad laboring with Jacob. We get to the hospital and the pain suddenly went from every 2-4 minutes to constant pain with worsening cramping every couple minutes. I freaked the pre-op nurse a bit I think, because typically patients aren't cramping like I was right before their D&C. I went into the bathroom to change, and while I was in there, I noticed that I had passed more tissue, and that the pad I was wearing was wet with yellow fluid. I sat down, felt more tissue fall, but when I looked into the toilet, I was staring at my baby. The fluid was probably the small amount of amniotic fluid. The ER doc told me there wasn't a baby in there, it had been absorbed. They were wrong. So wrong. It looked like a 8-9 week fetus/embryo, whatever the technical term is. My baby. I wasn't sure what to do, and I was still hurting like I had been. I considered my options: I could call for the nurse and she may or may not fish it out and it could be sent for genetic testing, or I could say goodbye and flush. I chose number 2. It doesn't really matter the reason for it, my baby died at 8-9 weeks gestation and that's that. So I got back to the cart, they loaded me with fentanyl, which helped with the pain, although it was still uncomfortable, and Doc came in to see me. I told her about passing the baby, but she said there was probably still tissue there since I was that far along, and I was still having contractions. They gave me some versed, per my request because I had this huge fear over the general anesthesia. I think just seeing people going under and waking up freaked me out, but they reassured me, and said the versed would help. It didn't. They took me back ahead of schedule, I was still anxious, but before I knew it, I was waking up. I shouldn't have been so worked up, but I'd never been put under before. There was still quite a bit of tissue in the uterus and a good amount in the cervical os. Turns out I bled pretty heavily, and had to have methergine and hemabate to stop the bleeding. I'm also taking it three times a day for the next 3 days. Maybe that's typical, but I really don't know much about losses this early. Working L&D, we don't see people until they are 20 weeks, the earliest fetal demise I've seen is 17 weeks. Anyway, in recovery, it finally hit me what had happened, emotionally speaking. Got more drugs in recovery,the cramping was god-awful but nothing compared to what I had before, couldn't have the normally scheduled toradol because I bled too much so I had more fentanyl, which made me itch, given Benadryl for the itching, had to stay for an extra bag of pitocin, and shed a couple tears when they handed me a grief packet that I have handed out to patients numerous times. I never wanted to be on the receiving end, and I was quite naive, thinking I probably never would be. I'm okay most of the time, but then out of nowhere something gets to me, and I know I'll have that, probably forever. I feel that not only did I have to suffer this loss, and have surgery to remove all the tissue, but I had to labor for 7 hours before that, in pain worse than the pain I felt while laboring with Jacob. On top of the guilt I have for initially not wanting the pregnancy and all that I confessed to when we found out. I hate that I will always have that memory seeing my 8-9 week gestation baby in the toilet, but I feel somewhat better knowing its body passed out on it's own, that it wasn't removed during the D&C, as morbid as that sounds. I'm not quite as angry with God, but I'm still struggling with understanding why. I know I'm not supposed to know, and that He knows what He's doing, it's just hard to be on this end, hurting and not seeing the big picture. I feel a bit empty. I had thought I was pregnant with a live baby Monday morning, and now my uterus is empty, cramping. But, I knew deep down something wasn't right, I just hoped it was my paranoia over nothing, like my fear of general anesthesia. Women are smart when it comes to their bodies. There will be no baby this March. And Monday night, I return to work where there are 4 other nurses pregnant, due in Feb/March. I'll be okay taking care of pregnant, laboring moms. It will be watching my co-workers abdomens swell with baby, when mine is now empty. That will be the hardest part. I'm glad for them, but sorry for myself and the child I'll never hold. We've decided at some point, probably sooner that later, we'll try again for another baby. We had our hearts ready for 4 children running around the house. We wanted this child that God took home with Him. But right now, we are healing. And life goes on in our house, Jacob has football games, Clara has songs to sing, and Isaiah has hugs to give. We are blessed with 3 healthy, beautiful children here with us, and as my SIL(who lost her baby at 39 weeks) said "now Mirabel has a cousin to play with, and you guys have your own child angel in Heaven, watching over you".

17 comments:

Donna said...

So sorry to hear of your loss. Prayers you feel better soon.

Morgan@DiaperingandBeyond said...

My heart aches for you. I am so sorry for your pain.

I thought about mentioning the pain of delivering with a miscarriage when I read your last post, but didn't want to in case you had an experience different from mine. I wish I had now. No one, not even my doctor at the time, prepared me for the excruciating pain.

I hope God brings you healing and comfort in this time of pain.

Blessings to you-

Joy said...

I completely understand the physical pain. It is excruciating. But nothing compared to the emotional scars left behind. I am truly so very sorry.

Pam, mom, honey, said...

PRaying as you go through this. We delivered our 20 week baby boy in a german hospital. no one told me what it would be like and i was told if i delivered i would not have a d and c and then ended up not seeing the baby and having a d and c after i delivered as if it was schedualed. i do have pictures and they are my life long many days

PE Mommy said...

Oh my. My heart breaks for you. You sent me some kind emails when I lost my babies. You also rejoiced with me when I got pregnant with Cate. I am so sorry for your loss. You might want to visit over at http://silentgrief.proboards.com/index.cgi?

I have no idea how I got through it. I thought I would seriously die. They pulled me out of the depth of dispair. Little by little I learned to live a new normal life again. I laughed again. They got me through my pregnancy with Cate. I am sure my ob was estatic when I delivered because I was a nutcase. I am on there as Sarabear. Tell them I referred you. Hang out and lurk and read others stories. Or introduce yourself and be surrounded with love and support. I too had complications from my d&c. My ob didn't get the baby. I delivered the baby 1 1/2 weeks later in the toilet as well. I didn't know it at the time because the ER dr told me I had a lot of "debris and clots". So I am very well aware of how painful it was. I spent 2 solid days unable to move from the bathroom. Not to mention I hemmoraged when I got to the floor. Anyway, if you need to talk to someone who has been there and done the exact thing, feel free to email me at rbrinkman2@rochester.rr.com

or visit the silent grief site and send me a private message there under my username Sarabear.

Sending you much love and hugs. Again I am sorry. Take care of yourself and rest. Let someone else take care of the kiddos for now.

Bridget said...

You know, I want to thank you for you honesty and realness in sharing all of this. I have never experienced miscarriage before, nor do I hope I ever will, but hearing this really opens my eyes to what other mothers experience. It's such a heartbreaking subject that on first glance I want to close my eyes and not think about it, but this is reality for many women. And I want to have the compassionate and sincere heart that comforts and holds hope. You have opened my eyes. Thank you. Thanks for sharing. I will continue to pray for you dear sister and I believe God has much love to lavish upon you in this time. Keep running to him.

Carrie said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I have a 2 and 4 yr old, and I've had 2 miscarriages in the last year. I know what you mean about the physical part of it, it was horrible. The emotional part is much worse though. I will be thinking of you...

Lct4j said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if the whole process was long, complicated and traumatic. I will pray that God gives you the comfort that only he can. I've had two confirmed miscarriages (& one suspicious "late period") - one at 11 1/2 weeks in fact. I didn't get a D & C, it was painful, but it was over in a couple of days. I had another miscarriage after that one, but found that when I finally had my 3rd baby (5th pregnancy) I was so in love with her like I had never felt before. Those earlier losses changed my heart and seemed to make it bigger and more grateful for the 4 more children I would have. I wish you much grace and comfort in your journey ahead.

Laura Jane said...

Yep, thats certainly sounds like the worst weeke ever. Poor sweetheart, what a rough way to things to finish.

I'm glad you were in a safe place with all that bleeding.

I have fished little ones out of the loo....working on gynae with early pregnancy loss.

Hugs, be gentle with yourself.

Taking Heart said...

Oh wow. Very real emotions... hasn't been so long since I've been down that road. I'll be thinking of you in the coming months... take care of yourself.

Laura said...

I am so sorry you had to go through that. Please be gentle with yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

tammy said...

I feel for you and understand what you are going through. I've had 2 losses, the last one at 16 weeks. And I remember the cramping pain being worse then labor, too. Then going back to work and seeing co-workers tummies getting bigger and then getting their babies. We were all due in the same week. Life sometimes is so not fair. I understand your feelings fully.
I will be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I had a similar experience last month when I miscarried at 7 weeks at home and passed the embryo completely intact. It is startling and sad isn't it?

I was working at being content with believing my youngest would be my last so I wouldn't spend his babyhood wishing for "one more". So I was surprised and delighted to be pregnant again! I couldn't help but wonder why when I was content God would allow me to get pregnant again only to miscarry. I read this http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2003/1687_Funeral_Meditation_for_Owen_Glenn_Shramek/ and the last line really jumped out at me and gave me the peace I needed.

Anonymous said...

Here's the link:

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary
/Sermons/ByDate/2003/1687_Funeral_Meditation
_for_
Owen_Glenn_Shramek/

mitchsmom said...

I'm so sorry.

June said...

I read this entry while on my commute to work this morning and wept on the bus ride for you and your family. What a terrible experience you have had. I am so sorry.

Karlee said...

I had a miscarriage about 9 years ago. It was my second pregnancy (I have 4 kids now :)) I went through so many terrible emotions. Emotions that I didn't think I was capable of. When I did get pregnant again, I had a new lil one to concentrate on and that is what brought me peace. We tried and tried to get pregnant again and when I was waiting to start clomid, I didn't get my period. Low and behold I was pregnant...and I delivered a healthy baby girl on my due date. There is plenty of hope. I pray that you will find peace soon. Please know you are in my thoughts during this trying time.