August 25, 2009
They say mothers know. And I did. I've been uneasy since the moment I had a bfp. This weekend, I really didn't feel sick anymore, and I didn't feel pregnant either. Woke up this afternoon and found I was bleeding. Sono done: missed abortion. Empty sac. We're heartbroken right now, and I'm angry. Angry that we didn't plan to get pregnant, but we warmed to the idea, were very excited, saw a heartbeat twice, and we were hopeful. Figured God decided we needed to have this child. Then He changed his mind, it was taken away. Just gone. I know He has a plan, but right now, I don't like His plan. Right as I started telling people, it probably had stopped developing. I know there are millions of women who have miscarriages everyday and never have any children, and I have 3 healthy children here at home. And, blah, blah, there's all that BS "It's natures way of fixing a mistake", "It wasn't meant to be", yada yada. I don't give a damn about any of that. Now I really know how unhelpful those comments are. I didn't want to be one of those women who had a loss, however early it was. I don't want to "try again". I wanted this baby. I never wanted to know this feeling. But I knew, I just didn't want to believe my gut. So I have a lot of feelings to sort through, I'm off work for a week, waiting to see if the rest of the tissue passes on it's own. This sucks. I'll work through all of these sucky emotions in due time. But for now, I'm heartbroken, pissed, and emotionally drained.