August 25, 2009

:(

They say mothers know. And I did. I've been uneasy since the moment I had a bfp. This weekend, I really didn't feel sick anymore, and I didn't feel pregnant either. Woke up this afternoon and found I was bleeding. Sono done: missed abortion. Empty sac. We're heartbroken right now, and I'm angry. Angry that we didn't plan to get pregnant, but we warmed to the idea, were very excited, saw a heartbeat twice, and we were hopeful. Figured God decided we needed to have this child. Then He changed his mind, it was taken away. Just gone. I know He has a plan, but right now, I don't like His plan. Right as I started telling people, it probably had stopped developing. I know there are millions of women who have miscarriages everyday and never have any children, and I have 3 healthy children here at home. And, blah, blah, there's all that BS "It's natures way of fixing a mistake", "It wasn't meant to be", yada yada. I don't give a damn about any of that. Now I really know how unhelpful those comments are. I didn't want to be one of those women who had a loss, however early it was. I don't want to "try again". I wanted this baby. I never wanted to know this feeling. But I knew, I just didn't want to believe my gut. So I have a lot of feelings to sort through, I'm off work for a week, waiting to see if the rest of the tissue passes on it's own. This sucks. I'll work through all of these sucky emotions in due time. But for now, I'm heartbroken, pissed, and emotionally drained.

39 comments:

Surrounded By Boys said...

I'm so very sorry. What more can anyone say than that?

M'Lynn said...

I'm sorry. Anything other words or explanation, well, it just won't do.

womantowomancbe said...

This is sad. I'm so sorry for you.

-Kathy

prenticefamily said...

I am so sorry. I lost a very unexpected pregnancy of twins last year and the extreme ranges of contradictory emotions I experienced were some of the most painful processing I've had to do.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

Beth said...

:(
I'm so very sorry.

miraclebaby said...

I know that pain all too well. I'm so very sorry.

Mandy said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Have faith, you will get through this.

I wish you the best.

publichealthdoula said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you are able to get as much time off as you need to take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

so sorry. i hope you find some peace.

-lpnmon

Dana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dana said...

I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm very sad to hear this news :(
My thoughts are with you tonight, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to work through this loss in whatever way you need to... it's not easy.

jennifer

Joy said...

I truly do know how you feel, as a Christian whose had 2 miscarriages. There really isn't anything I can say to make you feel better except to say I understand and that I am truly sorry. Everything you wrote about how you feel is exactly how I felt as well. *HUGS*

Allow yourself to grieve and feel what you need to feel. Screw what anyone else says.

Kathy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Here is a website for loss you might want to visit. It helped me tremendously when I lost my baby at 13 1/2 weeks due to a very severe kidney infection.
http://silentgrief.proboards.com/index.cgi?

Casey M. said...

I am so very sorry. :( you're in my prayers...

The Navarro Family said...

i'm so sorry and i know exactly how you feel. it gets easier to deal with in time... i'm sorry for your loss

Morgan said...

Oh no, I am so so sorry. :(
I had an empty sac shown at 12 weeks pregnant with my first baby... it was heart wrenching.

May God be with you and your family during this time.

Bridget said...

I'm so sorry! I can't imagine what it feels like, but I sympathize with you and will be lifting up prayers on your behalf. Sounds like there is a lot you have to sort through and I pray your heart will be comforted and strengthened in this time.

Laura Jane said...

Aaw, honey, such sad news. Thinking of you (((((hugs)))))

May said...

Oh, no. I am so terribly sorry.

Knitted in the Womb said...

So sorry...

New Moon Birth said...

gentle hugs to you and your family. I am so sorry!

Future OB/GYN said...

I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Veronica said...

I'm so sorry.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry this little life was cut short for whatever reason (there need not be one). I believe it's not fair, because we were not made to be seperated. I pray comfort in your time of mourning. I found for me in my 3 miscarriages (one fetal demise at 16 weeks...which by the way isn't more or less important to me than my 5 week miscarriage nor my 8 week) I personally needed to mourn the baby I didn't get to meet. I hope you can work through each day as you need to. I pray blessings for you.

Blessings,
Dawn

Kristen M. said...

Hello, I'm a lurker...just wanted to say I'm sorry. There isn't really anything anybody can say to make it better, so I'll just tell you how sorry I am.
kristen

Jamie said...

Very sorry for your loss.

Tiffany said...

Im so sorry for you loss.

Sending love and comfort to you annd yours.

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers....

Heather said...

I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.

Erika said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there, too. Hang in there. :)

Laura said...

I'm so, so very sorry. I'm praying for you and your family.

Terra Jones said...

I am so sorry to hear this. You will be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

So sorry, Nurse L. I am just a lurker, but I wanted to let you know I'm praying for you!

EC said...

I recently subscribed to your blog (it was recommended in my Reader) and have not commented yet.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. :(

Allow yourself all the time and room you need to grieve. No matter how far along, this is a baby you lost, and you were pregnant.

I am just coming off of m/c #2 (still bleeding), but I know people grieve and process differently, so I won't claim to know exactly how you feel.

Just know that many people are holding you up in their thoughts and prayers. Hug your other little ones tightly tonight.

((hugs)) to you

Caro said...

I'm so very sorry.

Amber Draper said...

I'm so sorry. I'm just a lurker, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

bellona said...

Sadens me to hear this as I followed your pregnancy along with my own. My due date, a week behind yours. I was excited to "share" this journey along with someone else.. learning, anticipating and comparing notes as our bellies grow. But to hear such news, and to me, so close to home really hurts and I sympathize with you. May God carry you through this and keep both you and your family strong. Needless to say, my condolences.