I knew I would end up feeling this way

Now before I begin this post I just want to say this: I know I did this to myself. I was given a choice and I chose this. I had all the facts and still caved when given the choice. And I knew I'd end up feeling like this.

Okay, I'm regretting I had a c-section this time. I know, I know, I was given the choice. I don't regret meeting Isaiah that day, or that I had him home for Christmas and all of that. But I wish I hadn't caved in when they said "he's head down. We can go ahead with the c-section, or you can go home and wait for labor". That's what I should have done and had planned on doing. But I'm like a lot of pregnant women: given the opportunity to end the pregnancy and meet the baby is hard as hell to reisist. Especially since he'd been breech for a while and everyone was expecting him Dec. 20. I had been wanting to VBAC until he had been breech for so long, then I got used to the idea of a repeat c-section. I'm not mourning the loss of a vaginal birth. I'm just having a hell of a time recovering. I know you forget some things from one birth to the next, but I'm positive I didn't feel like this after Clara was born. I had started working out and wearing jeans at this point. That won't be happening this time. This time has been significantly more painful than the last, all around. From the beginning with intense itching, to the gas pain, uterine infection, incisional pain etc. And now, almost 6 weeks post-cs, I'm still pretty sore. This weekend, I started having incisional pain that felt like it did at 1 week post-cs. It hurts just to turn over in bed and get up from a chair (that hadn't been happening lately) The cramping had ceased, but now has returned the last few days. And I have several sore, hard areas under my incision and this morning the painful area around the incision has gotten bigger. It hadn't been too bad, just about an 1 inch above the incision was sore. Now it's about 3 inches above the incision that is sore and the area directly above it is very sore. I don't think that anything is wrong. I just think I'm more uncomfortable because I've had 3 babies, all the pulling on the skin/muscle to get the baby out traumatized the tissue and because I had scar tissue there from my previous section. Maybe the hard spots are adhesions, but I really dont know. I get several hits from people looking into VBAC and I guess my point is this: Go for the VBAC! Especially if you have delivered vaginally before. Deal with another week or 2 of being uncomfortable pregnant to avoid weeks of being uncomfortable afterward while you recover from surgery. It's easier to recover from a natural process than surgery (I know there are some exceptions). I guess I'm telling myself "I told you so". I'll end on a positive note with a picture of Isaiah:

Ice, Ice Baby

We had an exciting day on Thursday. It started about 2:30 a.m. when Isaiah decided to not go back to sleep. At about 5:00 a.m., I'm still trying to calm him down and the power flickers on and off then eventually goes out. The night light we have in the hallway actually was flashing brighter than the bulb normally burns. It was great. Oh, that night, the temperatures reached a high of -7 degrees(-22 degree windchill). By 7:00 a.m., I had all 3 kids in bed with me and we still didnt have power. So I decided to get them out of the cold and we drove an hour to my parents. The temperature in the house ws already 50 degrees after only 2 1/2 hours without power. They finally got the power back on at about noon. I guess what happened was a power line just snapped, partially because of the cold, but it took out power for 3 small towns on the coldest day of the season. I'm just glad we had somewhere to go.

Random Thoughts.

Last night was a great night. Isaiah slept from about 9:30 all the way until 4:30. I know it doesn't mean every night from here on will be like that, but man was it nice to get more than 3 hours of sleep in a row. He had probably worn himself out because he had been a real pill since about 1:00. It worked out nice because this a.m., Jacob woke up puking. Luckily it was short-lived and is fine now.

I've been trying to find a place to get good nursing bras. The brand I used before, I can't find this time. Target had them, but I guess they don't carry them anymore. The one's I have left over are working, but have really done their duty and need to be retired. Plus they are just plain old white bras. I've looked at some on-line sites and found some very cool ones, but they are very expensive. Anyone know of any good places to find quality, relatively inexpensive nursing bras? While I'm on the subject of lactation (sort of), i've managed to have a good supply of frozen milk for when I go back to work. I have 20 5oz bottles in the freezer, and I have another month before I go back to work. It's a bit of work, but I pump after he eats in the morning and when he takes his after noon nap. It does increase my milk supply beyond what he needs, but when I go back to work, it will decrease because I won't be able to pump as frequently as I really need to.

This time around, I decided to try using a baby carrier to help me get things done around the house. I have a sling and a front carrier, and Isaiah seems to hate both of them, even though he loves to be held. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, because everyone I know who has these carriers say their kids LOVED them.

This weekend we're having Isaiah baptized, and my in-laws are coming down. I always kinda dread their visits anyway, but a bit more because of the baptism. My FIL is atheist and very vocal about it. My MIL is a non-practicing catholic and an alcoholic. When Clara was baptized, it was a struggle to get them out of the house so we could get to church on time. Oh, and my FIL was high and my MIL was drunk. Is it any wonder why I'm worried about whether or not they can behave through a 45 minutes service? When the first two kids were baptized, it was in the church I grew up in. A small town church where everyone knows me and my family. And they had been subjected to my in-laws at our wedding. I have since transfered my church membership to the church here where we live. We decided to have Isaiah baptized in the church he'll be growing up in. Only problem: I just recently started going on a regular basis and the church folk haven't seen my in-laws. My husband actually asked if we could just have him baptized and tell his parents later because he's concerned. I know it sounds bad, but it is what it is. So we'll see how it goes.

The mind of a 4 year old.

This is an actual phone conversation between my husband and Jacob the night Jacob and Clara spent the night with my parents:

Jacob: "Daddy, how many are you?"

Daddy: "I'm 29."

Jacob: short pause. "Well, people who are 29 can't come to Grandma and Grandpa's because you won't be able to fit through the door."

Needless to say there was a good deal of laughter after this. Not quite sure what made Jacob think of that. We've been working on teaching him the difference between height and weight, so maybe there was a misunderstanding and Jacob was asking about height. Who knows, but man it was funny.

Silence

Ah, the silence. My mom took Jacob and Clara to her house about 30 minutes ago and Isaiah is sleeping. It is a bit weird that the two older kids aren't here. They've gone to her house overnight before, but usually it's when we've had somewhere to go. We've never actually just been home and they're not. It'll be good for them, probably more so for them than for us. They get so wound up by evening just because they're in the house with me all day, I think. So it'll be a break for my patience (which is thin by evenings). The silence is nice, but I'll be missing them and ready for them to come home by tomorrow or even when we call them tonight to say goodnight.
Again today I tried to nap while all 3 were sleeping and couldn't. I think I've figured out why. I've been sleeping at night, every night since a week before Isaiah was born. I'm so used to sleeping during the day 3 days a week and shifting back and forth from being awake at night to sleeping at night that I"m usally in a state of sleep-deprivation. I think I'm actually getting better sleep now than before there was a newborn in the house, just because I'm sleeping at the same time everyday. It's kinda strange.

What a dreary day

Today has been a typical January day - dreary, cold, windy. It's one of those days that you just want to lay around and do nothing, you know? This afternoon, all of the kids were napping and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe it. I'm a sleep-deprived new mom who has never had a problem napping , I manage to get all 3 kids to sleep and I can't sleep. So I got to letting my mind wander. I wonder if there are more cases of post-partum depression in the winter months, especially January, than the rest of the year? January is always a bit depressing because the holidays are over, it's cold and dreary in this part of the country and the days are short. I was feeling a bit down myself this afternoon. I think it all stems from obviously hormones, but also because I'm usually very active and on the go and I can't be. And it's driving me nuts. It has been great to be home with the kids. We managed to get Clara potty trained since Isaiah was born, which I'm pretty proud of. But I'm craving adult conversations. And my friends either work night shift and sleep during the day, or they are like most of the world and work during the day.
My mom is taking Jacob and Clara overnight tomorrow night. It'll be good for them to get out and have time devoted to just them. And obviously it'll give us a bit of a break and we'll just have the baby to tend to. Sometime we plan on taking Jacob and Clara somewhere fun and leaving Isaiah with my mom for a couple hours. There's a really cool place that opened near us that is all for kids and letting them run around wild and make messes. We'll probably tke them there.

Maybe Again Someday?

When Jacob was born, we knew that we wanted 2 children. When we found out Clara was a girl, we had decided that we were done having babies. We had a boy and a girl, so what else could we ask for? So I gave away all the baby boy clothes. When Clara was about a month old, I looked at my husband and said "I think I want another baby". I didn't mean right away, but I knew I didn't want to not have another. And he agreed. Once I got pregnant with Isaiah, I had been pretty firm in saying no more children. Not because I wouldn't love another child or 3 more. I just felt that 3 was a good number, we can financially care for three, we have a bedroom for each child and I didn't really want to go through another pregnancy, delivery and recovery. We didn't have anything permanent done because I wanted to make sure that we were in fact comfortable with not having another baby. Last night I printed out all my pregnancy pictures, labeled them and put them away. I felt a bit sad knowing that was the last time I'd be pregnant. Then we tucked Jacob and Clara into bed and they each gave us a hug, kiss and an "I love you", and then I sat and rocked Isaiah to sleep. I looked at his precious sleeping face and I felt the same feelings coming up again as when Clara was a newborn: I think I may want another baby someday. Now I know it could just be hormones or whatever. But I want to feel that first movement when you know it's the baby. I remember the first time I saw each of my kids and that overwhelming feeling you get of "Wow, that's my baby". I watch my 2 older children with Isaiah and how they are just so interested in him (right now). I see how much each child has changed in such a short amount of time. Maybe it would be tempting fate, or maybe a little selfish as we already have been blessed with easy conception, and healthy pregnancies, deliveries and babies. Maybe we wouldn't be so lucky a 4th time. But I think I want to do it again someday. Last night I didn't say anything to my husband. I'll wait until later, just to see if it was just a passing fancy of mine or not. And obviously if he's not up for it, then we'll enjoy our 3 beautiful children grow. But, maybe, just maybe we'll do this again.

More pics

Be warned - I'm whining here

So now I'm getting to the point where the sleep deprivation is getting to me. Isaiah is still sleeping so much better than our other two did, but after several weeks at the end of pregnancy of getting up every 2 hours, surgical delivery and recovery then 3 weeks with a newborn is starting to wear down my patience. That's the bad part. I don't feel overly exhausted. After working night shift for several years, I'm used to not getting 8 hours of sleep. It's my attitude with my 2 older kids and husband that's bothering me. I've noticed that the usual things kids at 3 adn 4 do are setting me off much quicker than they used to, and I've raised my voice at them more than I'd like to admit. They have been a bit trying. I feel like a broken record telling them not to run in the house, to quit playing on the stairs, to pick up their toys, and to sit still and eat their meals. Meal time has always been a pain in the a*s. Jacob refuses to eat most foods and Clara bounces in her booster seat, drops her fork and falls out of her chair. And they'll sit there and not eat for 45minutes! Lately, I've been setting a timer and they get 30 minutes, and if they don't eat, then they have to wait until the next meal. I've been told that's what you should do, but it's hard to watch your kids not eat and then whine in 3 hours that they're hungry.

Husband has also been a bit annoying. The first week I was home, he was wonderful. He made sure the older kids were taken care of, laundry done, meals, and made sure I didn't try to do things I shouldn't do. But man, the last week he's been the complete opposite. For example, he hasn't gotten up to change the baby's diaper in the last 1 1/2 weeks. I am breastfeeding, exclusively until 6 months. The plan was he would change the diapers since he doesn't have the equipment to do feedings. That didn't last. And the other day, after a more fussy night and I didn't get much sleep, fighting to get 3 kids into the van only to find that husband didn't move the middle seats up so the kids had leg room (I'm not strong enough), didn't put gas in the van and he had taken the debit card (of course, I was out of cash). I had pictures at a friends followed by yet another MD's appointment and he complained that he didn't get a nap that day. This complaint was voiced to a woman who by 4 pm had only eaten 2 pieces of toast and drank 1 glass of water and a can of pop. Needless to say I was a bit irritated. I managed to bite my tongue, which is a HUGE feat for me because I knew it'd get ugly. I did remind him the next day that I could be formula feeding or supplementing and he could be getting up and doing every other feeding in the middle of the night instead of sleeping. Men, I tell ya.

Anyway, last night was the best night so far. Isaiah was the fussiest he's been from about 8 until 10:30. I think he was gassy and overtired, but once he fell asleep, he slept until 3:30 and went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 7a.m.! It was great. Well, I've rambled on enough.

Mid-morning ramblings of a sleep deprived mom and RN

One thing I've been wondering about the last week or two is how I sound when I talk to patients on the phone. We get phone calls in L&D in the middle of the night, usually it's a patient who's been worried about something, tried to go to sleep, couldn't and either needs to come in, or needs reassurance that something they are experiencing is normal. Like feeling mild cramping at 39 weeks. We aren't allowed to give any advice over the phone for liability reasons. All we can say is either come in and let us check you out, or call your doctor. Occasionally someone will call with a concern about something that turns out to be usual pregnancy/early labor symptoms. I'll admit that sometimes I've been frustrated by a few calls that, to me, seem pretty simple. I'm not perfect, but I try to remember that not everyone is as familiar with pregnancy as I am. I just hope that I never sounded irritated, put-off or that I thought they were dumb to call in, although I'm sure I have. It's is always best to err on the side of caution and call or be seen. Here's what got me thinking about all this. I had called the OB's office, oh, last week about symptoms I was having and the nurse really blew me off, stating everything I was experiencing was normal and she really sounded like she thought I was ignorant and couldn't believe I was concerned about what was going on. I suspected I was working on growing a nice uterine infection, but I'm a L&D nurse. I don't see patients after a few days. So I accepted her answer, but I was still a bit concerned because things were different that what I thought they should be and how I remembered them after my first c-setion. Anyway, it turns out I was right. I did have a lovely uterine infection which I'm taking antibiotics for. I should have been a more persisitant in explaining my symptoms, but I wasn't. I feel much better after taking the antibiotics for the last few days. So, I guess I need to trust my own instincts a bit more.

Cabin Fever

I'm starting to get cabin fever already. I'm just not used to staying at home as much as I've done the last 3 weeks. Before Isaiah was born, Jacob and Clara and I would go out somewhere, whether it was just the grocery store, about every day. Now, I've only been out I think 5 times since I've been home from the hospital. It's just too cold and nasty to go out. Today, though, I'm taking the three kids over to my co-workers house to have pictures taken. She took my maternity pics which turned out great. It'll be the first time I take all three of them out. Hopefully it will go okay. It'll me nice to get out. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be home with the kids. I just wish it was nice enough to go for walks, or whatever. Before I know it, I'll be back at work. Oh well. I am very glad to not be a work right now. After talking with my coworker yesterday, it sounds like there are a lot of changes going on. All but 2 practices have had major changes with MD's switching call groups, leaving practices to start on their own (after major issues in the old practice) and one doc retired. I guess it's been like a soap opera with all the issues surrounding the changes. As long as I know who to call about a patient when I go back to work, I don't really care. The one thing that worries me is staffing. We've been taking mandatory call since last spring to cover the 3-11 shift holes. Well, now 11-7 is the shift with the holes, major staffing holes, and the call is now voluntary. Gee, I wonder why? God forbid that some of the day shift or evening shift have to work the dreaded night shift, even though us night shifters had to fill in holes on shifts we don't usually work. I understand that if you aren't used to working nights, it's difficult, but come on, a 4 hour slot here or there won't kill anyone. Maybe some experienced nurses that want to work nights will fall from the sky before I go back.

2 weeks

It's only been 2 weeks since Isaiah was born, but it feels like I was pregnant, blinked and he's 2 weeks old. He's still a pretty even tempered baby. We keep waiting for the crying all night, marathon nursing sessions and general fussiness like we had when Jacob and Clara were newborns, but he's still pretty easy to please. Nursing is going very well and I know how much of a blessing that is. So many people have problems nursing for many different reasons. His 2 week check-up was today and at two weeks, they just expect the babies to be back to their birth weight. Well, this little guy was 7lb 15 oz at birth...and he's now 8lb 11 oz! I'm pretty sure I've got a good milk supply!

A couple nights ago, my two elder munchkins were playing in their toy room and I was on the phone when I heard a blood curdling scream from Clara. I figured Jacob hit her. I check to see what's wrong and she shows me here tongue and there's blood in her mouth and a gash on her tongue. Apparently they were playing on this long chair we have in the toy room, Jacob somehow jumped on her head and she bit her tongue. Of course I didn't see it so I'm not sure exactly how it happened. Luckily, she's just fine and it doesn't seem to bother her now.

I'm slowly starting to feel like my old self again. My whole lower abdomen is still pretty tender from my belly button down, especially on the right side. I also think I may be working on a uterine infection (based on symptoms I've been having that I won't get into because it's pretty gross). I called the office and talked to the nurse about what was going on, which is significantly different than the last two times, and she pretty much blew me off. I hope she's right, but sometimes you know when something is off, and, not that I know everything, but I am an OB nurse whose had 3 children. I have an appointment next week so we'll see. Here are a couple of pictures. (Don't worry, the picture of Isaiah sleeping on his stomach was staged. I had been holding him and set him down for a picture. He always sleeps on his back.)