December 23, 2009
Status: post m/c 4 months
This is a long one, sorry. I know that most people don't talk about miscarriage all that much, and I for one think it's a shame. It's usually not until someone has a miscarriage that people come out of the woodwork and say "Hey, I'm sorry. I had a m/c, too, so if you want to talk, I'm here". But after a month or so, people forget and move on, and it's expected that the mother does the same. I have mentioned that I was completely unprepared (I guess there isn't a way to prepare) for the whole experience of the m/c, both before, during and after. So once again, here are my feelings, 4 months out. Just this past Sunday at church, I had a moment I was unprepared for. It's been almost 4 months since the m/c. The kids were singing in church so I stayed up so I could go. After the service, the minister (who I took care of when she had her 2nd baby) came up to Husband and I and said "Mrs. S told me you guys had a loss a couple months ago. I just wanted to say I am sorry and that you are in my prayers". At that, my eyes welled up with tears and I couldn't stop them. I don't know what it is, but the first time I talk to someone about it, even after 4 months, I tear up. I could talk with my sister, coworkers, husband, etc. all about it, recount the entire story and be fine. But let someone I haven't seen say something, and I lose it. I was kinda surprised Mrs. S. even knew about it, but I guess in a small town, news travels. Anyway, at work I talked with a nurse who has 2 children and has had 3 miscarriages and had a stillborn at 22 weeks. She said that even years down the road, something will trigger her memory and tears will come. It was nice to know that others have the same thing happen, even years later. I realize after the next few months have passed, that things will get easier. I am feeling just fine, but as my pregnant coworkers are starting to show, it's gotten harder. Seeing my pregnant neighbor who is due the day after I was due was hard. I found out a coworker (who only works prn) is due the day after I was due. I knew she was pregnant, just didn't know how far she was. There are several nurses, like I mentioned in the past, due January through April. And I'm starting to see people with March due dates coming in at work. It's also the holidays and on Christmas day, Husbands b-day, I would have been exactly 28 weeks, another milestone I always held dear. And honestly, I really thought that I'd be pregnant by now. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's only been 4 months. We have 3 children, and there are people who have tried for years and don't have any. My body is still trying to figure out what the hell happened. My last 2 cycles were very long and I'm pretty sure were anovulatory. I cramp like there is no tomorrow with periods, and the last two months, I've had pregnancy symptoms a week leading up to AF. Its weird. So physically, it's apparent my body isn't ready. Logically, it would be better if it was later down the road. But emotionally, there is that part of me that keeps saying "get pregnant, you need a baby now, etc." I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought if it was due March of 2011, that would be perfect. And that would still be perfect. I could run more races this summer, I'll have 2 kids in school, more time to save money, 3+ years between Isaiah and the new baby, and time to potty train him, plus we'd have birthdays spread out over the spring, summer, fall and winter. If I were to get pregnant now, we'd have 4 birthdays between July and December. Logically, I know it's better to wait. But every part of my heart disagrees with my mind. It's hard to tell your heart to wait. This is something most people don't understand. They say "I thought you guys didn't want 4 children. Since you lost #4, you can really decide if you want one or not" . Or if they hear someone ask me if we are going to have more, they'll answer for me "well, she's already got her hands full with 3". We have already decided what we want. We want another baby. Another child. It's hard to be honest about whats going on with us when we feel no one is on board with us. And we understand that people are just concerned. They want to make sure we aren't hoping for another because of the loss. But it's between Husband and I, and believe me, we've had many a long conversation about this. We aren't stupid, we wouldn't even consider bringing another child into our family if we weren't prepared. No, we don't know what it's like to have 4 children, but we have 3. I am a mother and a nurse. I can multitask like it's no one's business! Yes, we had a rough patch in our marriage after Isaiah, but we are in a different, better place now. If we had really been done, why didn't I have my tubes tied after Isaiah was born? They were in there anyway. Yes, I had planned on getting an IUD, but would we have really gone through with a vasectomy? The answer is I don't think we would have gone through with it. We would regret not having another child. Part of me feels that the m/c happened for a reason. Subconsciously, I think we always wanted another, and losing that child made us finally acknowledge that. I know I don't have to justify our decision to anyone and that's not what I'm doing here. It just feels good to be able to say it. So we find ourselves in a position we've never really been in: planning to actually try to conceive at some point. We always just let it happen before. Well, 2 of the four pregnancies were surprises. The other 2 came easy. Anyway, this is how I'm feeling, how we're doing, four months later.