Year in Review

For multiple reasons, I'm glad to say good-bye to 2009. I'm ready to start fresh. Not that 2009 was horrible, but it will forever be the year that I had a miscarriage. It's wasn't all bad. i was able to take a trip to a large hospital supply company with a few other coworkers. There we looked at what our new LDRP's would look like and started working out the kinks. And it looks like we will be breaking ground in March 2010. The project had been on hold until the decision to merge with a large healthcare system came into play. We will have a new name come January 6th. I reached several goals. I breastfed Isaiah for 19 months. I started running again. My jump start to running began after my darling daughter looked at me and said "Mommy, it looks like there is a baby in your belly". And, at that time, there was not. So I started running and I ran 5 5K races and one 5-mile race. The majority of those races, I ran with an old H.S. friend and we reconnected after 10 years. Each race I ran, my times were better than the last and it made me feel great. However, in July, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and Due march 19, and it happened at what was probably the lowest point in my relationship with Husband. No details, but we were not in a good place at the time. After the shock, we came to embrace this new adventure and worked through the difficulties we needed to get through. Then at the end of August, I started bleeding and was told that pregnancy was no longer viable. The next couple days I felt I was in the deepest depths of pain and loss, felt empty. I delivered the pregnancy in the toilet in the hospital toilet in same day surgery 2 days later. Proceeded with the D&C to be sure all tissue was out, hemorrhaged and went home to grieve. After the weekend, I returned to work, having to face the pain straight on because I work in OB and surrounded by pregnant coworkers, many due Feb-April. It was through those weeks of pregnancy and after the D&C that Husband and I worked through everything and we are stronger for it. Our relationship is the best its been and keeps getting better. Life goes on, and Jacob started 1st grade and is reading very well, and lost his second tooth. Isaiah is weaned and all memory of breastfeeding in his mind is gone. Clara continues to grow and is learning to write all her letters. I feel blessed everyday that I have these 3 kids. We also made the decision to have another child at some point. Next year, I'm looking forward to running again and even running a 5K race with my sister - something we've never done (yes, sis, I'm holding you to it!) Maybe if I can get motivated, I'll try for a half-marathon. Maybe next year will bring another pregnancy, one that will result in a live baby 40 weeks later. We turned another year older and all of us continue to have good health. Christmas came and again my children were spoiled rotten by Santa and family and overall, we had a great holiday. So I guess looking back, 2009 for all the bad spots, turned out alright after all. Here's to looking forward to 2010, hope it finds you all in good health and good fortune. Happy New Year!

Catch

That was what I did last night at work, I had to catch. Not once, but twice and it was cool as hell! Last night was exactly what I needed to rejuvenate my spirit. With everything going on in the hospital, all the alternative agendas and politics on the unit, a merger happening in a week, anesthesia change and the fact that we are slow, going to work wasn't such a great thing. Moral is low to say the least. But last night was fun. It started out like a pretty normal shift, but soon we got a call from the ER that they had a patient that is pregnant, in labor and just told her mom in the ER that she was pregnant, as they are working her up for abdominal pain. No prenatal care. So she gets up to us, and I decide I better check her. Yup, complete with bag of water bulging out of the vagina. I grab gloves and send someone to call the city call doc since she didn't have a doc. Then the heartrate dropped, and the bag of water broke with a huge gush of thick pea soup meconium. Very soon after, baby is crowning and head is out. No cord, but the shoulders just wouldn't come. We ended up having to do suprapubic pressure to get the shoulders out. Babe looked to be full term, did well transitioning to extra uterine life and will make an adoptive family very happy. The second baby happened just an hour later. This mom presented in labor, didn't look to be uncomfortable and said her water broke and she just started having pain about an hour ago. You guessed it, she was completely dilated and after 2 contractions, the baby was crowning. This baby delivered easily. It was just awesome. Both moms delivered in less than 10 minutes of arriving on the unit. Neither doc had a chance to make it because we don't have OB's in house. After last night, I'm feeling more and more that I should get back to school at some point. Both of the deliveries were pretty easy, (although there was some mild shoulder dystocia with the first), and I know that it won't always be that easy but man, was that fun!

Status: post m/c 4 months

This is a long one, sorry. I know that most people don't talk about miscarriage all that much, and I for one think it's a shame. It's usually not until someone has a miscarriage that people come out of the woodwork and say "Hey, I'm sorry. I had a m/c, too, so if you want to talk, I'm here". But after a month or so, people forget and move on, and it's expected that the mother does the same. I have mentioned that I was completely unprepared (I guess there isn't a way to prepare) for the whole experience of the m/c, both before, during and after. So once again, here are my feelings, 4 months out. Just this past Sunday at church, I had a moment I was unprepared for. It's been almost 4 months since the m/c. The kids were singing in church so I stayed up so I could go. After the service, the minister (who I took care of when she had her 2nd baby) came up to Husband and I and said "Mrs. S told me you guys had a loss a couple months ago. I just wanted to say I am sorry and that you are in my prayers". At that, my eyes welled up with tears and I couldn't stop them. I don't know what it is, but the first time I talk to someone about it, even after 4 months, I tear up. I could talk with my sister, coworkers, husband, etc. all about it, recount the entire story and be fine. But let someone I haven't seen say something, and I lose it. I was kinda surprised Mrs. S. even knew about it, but I guess in a small town, news travels. Anyway, at work I talked with a nurse who has 2 children and has had 3 miscarriages and had a stillborn at 22 weeks. She said that even years down the road, something will trigger her memory and tears will come. It was nice to know that others have the same thing happen, even years later. I realize after the next few months have passed, that things will get easier. I am feeling just fine, but as my pregnant coworkers are starting to show, it's gotten harder. Seeing my pregnant neighbor who is due the day after I was due was hard. I found out a coworker (who only works prn) is due the day after I was due. I knew she was pregnant, just didn't know how far she was. There are several nurses, like I mentioned in the past, due January through April. And I'm starting to see people with March due dates coming in at work. It's also the holidays and on Christmas day, Husbands b-day, I would have been exactly 28 weeks, another milestone I always held dear. And honestly, I really thought that I'd be pregnant by now. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's only been 4 months. We have 3 children, and there are people who have tried for years and don't have any. My body is still trying to figure out what the hell happened. My last 2 cycles were very long and I'm pretty sure were anovulatory. I cramp like there is no tomorrow with periods, and the last two months, I've had pregnancy symptoms a week leading up to AF. Its weird. So physically, it's apparent my body isn't ready. Logically, it would be better if it was later down the road. But emotionally, there is that part of me that keeps saying "get pregnant, you need a baby now, etc." I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought if it was due March of 2011, that would be perfect. And that would still be perfect. I could run more races this summer, I'll have 2 kids in school, more time to save money, 3+ years between Isaiah and the new baby, and time to potty train him, plus we'd have birthdays spread out over the spring, summer, fall and winter. If I were to get pregnant now, we'd have 4 birthdays between July and December. Logically, I know it's better to wait. But every part of my heart disagrees with my mind. It's hard to tell your heart to wait. This is something most people don't understand. They say "I thought you guys didn't want 4 children. Since you lost #4, you can really decide if you want one or not" . Or if they hear someone ask me if we are going to have more, they'll answer for me "well, she's already got her hands full with 3". We have already decided what we want. We want another baby. Another child. It's hard to be honest about whats going on with us when we feel no one is on board with us. And we understand that people are just concerned. They want to make sure we aren't hoping for another because of the loss. But it's between Husband and I, and believe me, we've had many a long conversation about this. We aren't stupid, we wouldn't even consider bringing another child into our family if we weren't prepared. No, we don't know what it's like to have 4 children, but we have 3. I am a mother and a nurse. I can multitask like it's no one's business! Yes, we had a rough patch in our marriage after Isaiah, but we are in a different, better place now. If we had really been done, why didn't I have my tubes tied after Isaiah was born? They were in there anyway. Yes, I had planned on getting an IUD, but would we have really gone through with a vasectomy? The answer is I don't think we would have gone through with it. We would regret not having another child. Part of me feels that the m/c happened for a reason. Subconsciously, I think we always wanted another, and losing that child made us finally acknowledge that. I know I don't have to justify our decision to anyone and that's not what I'm doing here. It just feels good to be able to say it. So we find ourselves in a position we've never really been in: planning to actually try to conceive at some point. We always just let it happen before. Well, 2 of the four pregnancies were surprises. The other 2 came easy. Anyway, this is how I'm feeling, how we're doing, four months later.

Chrsitmas Letter #2

Hi y'all,

We sure all do hope this here Christmas letter finds y'all well and good. Everything is sure hunky-dory here in farm-town USA. Haven't heard much from you all over this last year, what with us being busy and stuff, so I thought I'd send out this here letter to bring you up to speed on our business.

Jacob, boy is he doing well. He got him his first buck this deer season! Daddy was sure proud of him! Well, he got his own deer when grandpappy hit it with his truck, but Jacob don't mind that none. So we's got all sorts of meat to last us this winter. Jacob's learning all sort of things in first grade. Why, just the other day I heard him say "Dang nabit" and the teacher sent a letter home saying he gave another student the "bird" and even knew what it meant! We are so proud!

Clara has been busy herself. She got into having her hair crimped and she doesn't look much different than Madonna in her early years! With the singing voice of hers, we think we may just see her on the TV some day. Boy, she was all into helping get that deer of Jacob's dressed this year. We figure she'll get her own one of these days. Again this year, we got all three of the youngin's their very own camo bib overalls and orange huntin' cap. Out of all three of 'um, she was the most excited about that get'up. She ain't hardly wanted to take it off even to sleep!

Isaiah, whoa boy, look out for that one! He's is one fiesty critter! There ain't nothing that boy can't climb or destroy! We think he's gonna be the one to climb the water tower when he's older and spray paint a love message to his woman! He's darn good at taking things apart. He pulled the Christmas tree over on the cat just this week! He spends most of the day running around with his Pamp.ers hangin' off his behind and a sippy cup of juice. I think he'd like a cup of our moonshine, but that'll have to wait a couple years!

Husband and I got lots of projects we be working on. He has 'bout 5 cars in the backyard. He says he's gonna rebuild me that T-bird I had back in school. So far, he has the frame for it, one black door, a red door and a engine from a '96 mustang. Says it might be awhile 'fore it's ready to take on the road, but I don't mind. He done bought me a new pair of bib overalls with a little pocket that's just the right size for my beer! He's done smokin' the cigarettes, and to help him quit, he bought him some Red.ma.n. Boy, nothing turns a woman on like her man holding a beer and spittin' into an empty can. For this Christmas, I done went out to the Wal-M.art and bought a pair of them red lacy underwears that I think I'll surprise Husband with this year. He sure does like the feel of the lace on his booty! As for the house projects, we done finished putting in new plumbing. We just ran a new line of PVC from the kitchen sink out through the backyard and it dumps into the sewer line out by the street. We also turned on our Christmas lights again this year. We forgot we left them up from the year before, so it was easy. Most of the strands work. There are a few dark spots where the line burned out, but that dont matter none, there's still lights out there!

Anyways, hope y'all have a wonderful Christmas, and hope to see you soon. We got ourselves a parking lot and we can hook up your power so we can just have our own little line of campers in the yard!

Christmas Letter #1

Dear Friends and Family,

This has been a wonderful year at the Lochia household. Time just seems to fly by and before I knew it, it was time again to send out the annual Christmas letter to let everyone know what we've been up to lately.

Jacob is in 1st grade this year and is loving every minute. The school is positive that he is a genius and that he will be eligible for Mensa within the next year. He is reading at the level of a college freshman and just last week solved an old algebra problem that math scholars had been unable to figure out. The teachers have wanted to move him up to high school so he could be challenged, but we want him to be able to socialize and experience grade school. Should he decide he wants to jump 10 grades, we'll be supportive. Who knows, we could have the next Doogie Houser on our hands! Because Jacob isn't being challenged in school, he's full of energy when he gets home. We decided to let him play flag football this fall to burn off some of that energy, and he has shown mad skills! We are sure that should he decide to wait on college until he's 18, that he may be able to get a football scholarship and play NFL.

Clara can't wait to go to kindergarten. She, too, is showing signs of genius as she is able to read at just about the same level as Jacob. We think she may have a career in singing because she walks around the house singing and if we didn't know it was our 5 year old daughter, we'd think it was a professional opera singer! She has a huge range and can really hit the high notes. Again, we don't want to push our kids too much, so we're taking cues from her as to what she wants to do. When we had family pictures taken this year, several people told us she could be a model and that we should take her to an agent to see what she could do. Maybe we'll pursue that after the holidays.

Isaiah is a wonderfully well-behaved 2 year old. Following in the footsteps of his older siblings, he is quite intelligent. He doesn't say too much, but he has his own language that only we understand. Its really quite remarkable that a child of ours has come up with his own language. We could be speaking Isaiahese instead of English in 20 years! We think he may be great at wrestling as he is able to tackle and take Daddy down to the floor! His charming good looks and personality may also make him a great actor, which we will check into when we book Clara's first modeling gig.

Husband is doing well. He recently got a promotion and is now the owner of a very popular deli-style chain restaurant franchise. The money has been nice. The corporate headquarters got together with a local university and decided to award him a honorary doctorate degree for his exceptional skills as a manager. We are very proud of him! With the influx of money, we plan to completely redo our old house after we contributed to several charities. The state has also classified our neighborhood is a Historic District, based primarily on our house. We have restored it so that it looks like it did when it was first built in the 1800's. With the increase flow of traffic from people sightseeing, we realize we may have to build another house to live in and give tours of this house! There are still some renovations that need to be done, but we're taking our time, as not to disturb the original structure.

As for me, things couldn't be better. I have been given privileges to work as a midwife, even though I haven't gone to school. I just have such natural ability that they decided it would be a waste for me to go to school. Even with such an honor, I have decided to continue to work as a RN because I love my patients and feel I should go to school to make sure there really isn't anything I don't already know. They need me. So far, I am soley responsible for saving the lives of 4 babies in distress! The hospital understands my decision, so they decided to give me a huge raise to entice me to stick around while I go back to school in the future. This past year, I ran 5 marathons and came pretty close to winning the Chic.ago marathon. Yes, I not only reached my lifelong goal of running a marathon, but I also surpassed any expectations on my performance. Next year, I think I'll scale back and run only 4 marathons - I want to give others a chance to win:) I've really enjoyed balancing work, running, the kids and their activities, all household chores, bills and parties. I love having a busy schedule, my immaculate house and getting my hair done once a week!

As you can see, we are all doing pretty well and keeping busy. We are sure there are more exciting things to come in the next coming year. Our hope is that our letter finds you almost as well as we are! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We have enclosed a few dozen pictures of us on our last vacation of the year for you to enjoy!

Holy Cow, 2 years!

Tomorrow, my baby boy will turn 2. Time sure does fly. I started this blog at the very beginning of my pregnancy with him and I kept a log of what I was feeling and what was going on with the entire pregnancy, birth and afterwards, of course intermixed with all the wild L&D tales. Sometimes I wondered as I would type up a post, "why am I publishing my life on-line? Should I really be this honest about life?" but now that I'm able to look back, I'm glad I did. I can see just how I was feeling at different parts of my life the last 2 (almost 3) years. The L&D stories are composites with some changes, as to protect privacy, but the rest is just me. I just can't believe it's been 2 years already. He's not a baby anymore. This morning, Isaiah crawled into bed with me and I thought to myself "Two years ago, I woke up on Dec 19, knowing that this was the last day I'd be the mother of only 2 children as Isaiah's birth was scheduled the next day at 7:15am. That night, I didn't sleep in anxious anticipation of meeting my new son. I remember worrying how I would manage 3 children, and although it hasn't always been easy, I wouldn't change it for the world! Happy Birthday tomorrow Baby Boy!


38+ week gestation, night before delivery


Sweet 7lb 15oz newborn Isaiah


Sweet, ornery, full of fun 2 year old Isaiah. Who could resist this handsome little man?!?

Concert

It's pretty easy to get wrapped up in trying to keep up with the amount of work that 3 kids, and two adults create. There is always a pile of dishes in the sink, bottomless laundry baskets, a sippy cup with rotten milk buried in a toy box, screaming, yelling, crying, tantrums, and just a general loudness in my home. Sometimes I forget to stop and just enjoy these kids as they are. Right now I am trying not to disturb Clara and Isaiah. They are both sitting in the recliner and Clara is singing Christmas songs to him. He is sitting quietly (amazing in itself) and is quite happy to listen to her renditions of Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Away in a Manger and O Little Town of Bethlehem. She's been singing to him for the last 15 minutes, which if you have ever been around kids under 8, you know they have attention spans of usually 15 seconds, if they find something entertaining. While I know this little concert won't last much longer, it's been nice to listen to, a nice break to the sound of yelling and the dryer. Maybe the next song I'll see if they'll let me join in...

That's not what its for!

It's always good to continue to learn. Even after several years of working as a labor nurse, I am still learning new things, but there are very few things that could shock me...so I thought. Last weekend I had a patient in labor. It was her and her husband's first baby and they were very excited. She was progressing nicely, got an epidural and went to sleep for the rest of her labor. Since she was numb from the epidural, I placed a foley catheter to keep her bladder drained because she wouldn't be able to feel when her bladder was full. I noticed that the urethra seemed larger than normal, but everyone's anatomy is different so I didn't think too much about it. A couple hours pass and I decide it's time to recheck her cervix. I go to check her and find the foley has come out. The catheter was sitting between her legs with the bulb still inflated, and no sign of bleeding. I searched my mind for the possibilities. I know it was in the right place, because I had a bag full of urine. That foley bulb had 10cc of saline in it - it should not fall out. And if it was pulled out, there would be a fair amount of blood, but there wasn't any. I was dumbfounded. I check her and find her to be 9 cm, so I don't worry about it. She progresses and pushes well so I call the doc for delivery. Perfect delivery, healthy baby with great apgars and the parents are thrilled. Afterwards, I go out to the desk and the delivering doc explains to me that this patient had dilated her urethra for sex. Huh? Maybe I live under a rock, but I had never heard of this. I know people may have their urethra dilated by a doctor for medical purposes, but not for this reason! I wish I was making this up! I guess she has seen a few people, this patient included, that have managed to dilate their urethra enough so their husband/boyfriend/partner can penetrate the urethra during sex. It explains why a fully inflated foley just fell out. Apparently its quite pleasurable for the man, but these women are, as you can imagine, going into the office with raging UTI's and kidney infections. Ouch! WTH people? I can't imagine there being any pleasure in that. Are these men so small that the vagina just isn't enough? I thought just having a catheter put in before my 1st c-section was unpleasant, I can't even imagine something larger. They must find pleasure in pain. But what happens down the road when they are 50? They'll be wearing depends by age 35! I guess everyone is free to do what they please to their body, but damn. I was completely shocked, still am. But, next time I see a fully inflated foley lying in the bed, I'll have an explanation.

Addition: I had to know how common this is and from what I've found, it's not very common, but happens. Maybe this couple used other objects and not a penis, but regardless, why, ouch and yuck!

Watching a Friend Become a Mother

Awhile back, I had the opportunity to take care of a former coworker having her first baby. She was a great L&D nurse with the sweetest disposition, very caring, and never hesitated to advocate for her patients. She started about a year after I did and after a couple years, she went to work in my OB/GYN's office. She had mentioned about 2 years ago that she and her husband were going to start trying to get pregnant, so I've been waiting to see her roll through the doors pregnant and when I'd see her in the office, I'd look to see if she had a belly. She did finally come in. An induction was scheduled for PIH and she had requested that I be the nurse. It was what we call a staged induction: a cervical ripening agent was used to "ripen" the cervix and once the cervix was soft, then pitocin would be started to get things going. They arrived at midnight and I got the induction going...and it lasted all through the day and when I came back the next night, she was still there. Only 3 centimeters. The nurse handing off to me told me that there had been some late decelerations, but she said they had resolved so she had talked with the doc and the pitocin had been restarted. I looked at the strip, still saw lates, and wondered why on earth she had restarted the pit. So I go in and do all the things to try to get the baby to be happy, but it was to no avail. I called the OB, she called for a c/s and we head back to the OR. It seems most of the time when we go back for a c/s for a non-reassuring fetal heart rate pattern, the baby, thankfully, comes out with Apgars of 9 & 9, leaving you to wonder if it was really necessary. Not the case here. This baby did not tolerate labor and was worn out and came out pale, floppy and was not breathing, but after resuscitation, she came around and made her feelings about the whole process known! The pediatrician showed the patient her baby and she looked at my friend and told the pediatrician "That's her mother, let her mother hold her". And with that, the very young birth mother made a huge sacrifice and changed the life of my friend by making her a mother. My friend, who had to leave the OR for a second because it was too much to watch as they worked to get her child to come around and take that first breath, cried tears of joy and relief. Watching someone become a mother is always amazing, but when it's someone you know, it's even sweeter.

The birth mother makes what is probably the most difficult choice she'll ever make when she decides to give the baby up for adoption, its a choice that she will think of for the rest of her life. I can't imagine the grief that birth mothers feel as they hand their baby over to a couple who will provide the life she wants for her child, a life that she can't provide herself. This birth mother said that it was a difficult choice, but she was comforted by the fact that the adoptive parents would provide a life she couldn't at this time, and that this little girl would be surrounded by love. Thank you to all the birth mothers out there for giving couples who are unable to have a biological child, the opportunity to be parents. Thank you for being brave enough to decide not to terminate the pregnancy, but to nourish and carry the child, to labor and deliver, to bear the physical scars of childbirth as well as the emotional scars, in order to give that child the life you want for her. May God bless you.

6 Years

Wow, 6 years. It's been 6 years since my niece Mirabel was stillborn at 39+ weeks. It's amazing how quickly time has passed. She'd have been in kindergarten. I talked with my SIL tonight and she said she is comforted a bit because this Christmas, her daughter has a little cousin to take care of and play with. It is a nice thought if heaven is really like that. Two souls of innocent children, who left this world before they were even born, one left at full term, the other while it was still an embryo. Tonight, the family is remembering little Mirabel Ozara.

Here's a link to Mirabel's story.