Just when I was wallowing in self-pity for how uncomfortable I've been, I looked at the calendar and realized that December 1 is coming up. December 1, 2003 my niece Mirable Ozara was stillborn. She is my SIL and BIL first child, and they've not yet had another child. I've been blessed with two beautiful children, and have another who will be here within a month or so. I've really had easy, pretty uncomplicated pregnancies that have resulted in healthy babies. My SIL was due Dec 5 and called me (Sat)Nov. 30 to tell me she was in labor and heading to the hospital. I was going to be her labor coach. So I got in the car with Jacob (5 mos at the time) and my FIL and MIL who happened to be at our house. We drive 2 hours to the hospital where she was to deliver. My MIL walked into her labor room and my BIL was crying and my SIL was lying quietly after getting an epidural. My MIL said to her son "You should be happy". That's when he completely broke down, I looked at the fetal monitor and saw it wasn't tracing anything but contractions and then my SIL said "She didnt make it". It was like everything went into slow-motion. It was horrible. I left the labor room to get my FIL from the watiting room because I felt he was needed at the time. It was a long day and I sat with her the whole time for support. She was fully dilated at 7pm and wasn't able to deliver her until after 1:30 a.m. I'll never forget when the baby was out, my SIL asked the MD "Is she breathing?". SHe knew the answer and you could her it in her voice, but something made her ask, just hoping it had been just a bad dream. Maybe it was because she was my niece, but she looked perfect. She didn't look like she had been gone for 2 days. She just looked asleep. Afterwards, I went to the waiting room to let people know that she finally delivered, and I grabbed my son and just held him and cried, thankful for him and very sad he wouldn't know the cousin that was just born. I never held the baby. It was more than I could handle that morning after the long day and now I wish I would have. They never found out the cause. There wasn't anyting wrong with the cord or on autopsy. My SIL said that on that prior Thursday, the baby was moving like crazy, then she didn't feel anything, but just thought she was sleeping. I figure the baby moved and rolled onto the umbilical cord. Every year, we've gone up to visit, baked an angel food cake and lit a candle for each birthday she would have had, and remember. This year we won't be ablet o make it. This is a poem I found and gave to my SIL. I don't know the author. SIL says she reads this when she needs to cry but the tears won't come. So here is to my SIL, BIL and Mirabel, as well as everyone who has lost child/pregnancy.
I Thought Of You
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby this we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?
“ Yes, you can ” He replied with confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.”
I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say"
"We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
"Mommy don’t be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm Here".
"So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK.
Your baby is here in My home and this where she'll stay.
She'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home she'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.