December 23, 2009

Status: post m/c 4 months

This is a long one, sorry. I know that most people don't talk about miscarriage all that much, and I for one think it's a shame. It's usually not until someone has a miscarriage that people come out of the woodwork and say "Hey, I'm sorry. I had a m/c, too, so if you want to talk, I'm here". But after a month or so, people forget and move on, and it's expected that the mother does the same. I have mentioned that I was completely unprepared (I guess there isn't a way to prepare) for the whole experience of the m/c, both before, during and after. So once again, here are my feelings, 4 months out. Just this past Sunday at church, I had a moment I was unprepared for. It's been almost 4 months since the m/c. The kids were singing in church so I stayed up so I could go. After the service, the minister (who I took care of when she had her 2nd baby) came up to Husband and I and said "Mrs. S told me you guys had a loss a couple months ago. I just wanted to say I am sorry and that you are in my prayers". At that, my eyes welled up with tears and I couldn't stop them. I don't know what it is, but the first time I talk to someone about it, even after 4 months, I tear up. I could talk with my sister, coworkers, husband, etc. all about it, recount the entire story and be fine. But let someone I haven't seen say something, and I lose it. I was kinda surprised Mrs. S. even knew about it, but I guess in a small town, news travels. Anyway, at work I talked with a nurse who has 2 children and has had 3 miscarriages and had a stillborn at 22 weeks. She said that even years down the road, something will trigger her memory and tears will come. It was nice to know that others have the same thing happen, even years later. I realize after the next few months have passed, that things will get easier. I am feeling just fine, but as my pregnant coworkers are starting to show, it's gotten harder. Seeing my pregnant neighbor who is due the day after I was due was hard. I found out a coworker (who only works prn) is due the day after I was due. I knew she was pregnant, just didn't know how far she was. There are several nurses, like I mentioned in the past, due January through April. And I'm starting to see people with March due dates coming in at work. It's also the holidays and on Christmas day, Husbands b-day, I would have been exactly 28 weeks, another milestone I always held dear. And honestly, I really thought that I'd be pregnant by now. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's only been 4 months. We have 3 children, and there are people who have tried for years and don't have any. My body is still trying to figure out what the hell happened. My last 2 cycles were very long and I'm pretty sure were anovulatory. I cramp like there is no tomorrow with periods, and the last two months, I've had pregnancy symptoms a week leading up to AF. Its weird. So physically, it's apparent my body isn't ready. Logically, it would be better if it was later down the road. But emotionally, there is that part of me that keeps saying "get pregnant, you need a baby now, etc." I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought if it was due March of 2011, that would be perfect. And that would still be perfect. I could run more races this summer, I'll have 2 kids in school, more time to save money, 3+ years between Isaiah and the new baby, and time to potty train him, plus we'd have birthdays spread out over the spring, summer, fall and winter. If I were to get pregnant now, we'd have 4 birthdays between July and December. Logically, I know it's better to wait. But every part of my heart disagrees with my mind. It's hard to tell your heart to wait. This is something most people don't understand. They say "I thought you guys didn't want 4 children. Since you lost #4, you can really decide if you want one or not" . Or if they hear someone ask me if we are going to have more, they'll answer for me "well, she's already got her hands full with 3". We have already decided what we want. We want another baby. Another child. It's hard to be honest about whats going on with us when we feel no one is on board with us. And we understand that people are just concerned. They want to make sure we aren't hoping for another because of the loss. But it's between Husband and I, and believe me, we've had many a long conversation about this. We aren't stupid, we wouldn't even consider bringing another child into our family if we weren't prepared. No, we don't know what it's like to have 4 children, but we have 3. I am a mother and a nurse. I can multitask like it's no one's business! Yes, we had a rough patch in our marriage after Isaiah, but we are in a different, better place now. If we had really been done, why didn't I have my tubes tied after Isaiah was born? They were in there anyway. Yes, I had planned on getting an IUD, but would we have really gone through with a vasectomy? The answer is I don't think we would have gone through with it. We would regret not having another child. Part of me feels that the m/c happened for a reason. Subconsciously, I think we always wanted another, and losing that child made us finally acknowledge that. I know I don't have to justify our decision to anyone and that's not what I'm doing here. It just feels good to be able to say it. So we find ourselves in a position we've never really been in: planning to actually try to conceive at some point. We always just let it happen before. Well, 2 of the four pregnancies were surprises. The other 2 came easy. Anyway, this is how I'm feeling, how we're doing, four months later.

10 comments:

Samantha W said...

Thank You, all I can say is thank you for saying what I don't have the courage to say.

Also I am sorry. Words cannot say how sorry I am to hear that someone, anyone had to go through it.

We had a miscarriage as well. We would have been 20 weeks on Christmas and my husbands birthday.

Sharpiegirl said...

I've had 3 in the past year. I think the more we talk about it with people we trust the easier it gets.
I am at the point where I don't care if people know, BUT I don't want to be the one to tell them.

JO said...

I am pregnant with twins, but until a couple weeks ago, it was triplets. (One died sometime during week 10.) Because I am still having regular ultrasounds, we have had the grim opportunities to watch the nonviable fetus go from looking like a baby to a shriveled up jelly bean. It is heartbreaking.

My family assumes we were planning to reduce (we were not) and keeps telling me how great it is that one died on its own. They said I was lucky. I feel horrible, sick when I hear that.

I am so sorry for your loss. You said earlier that you and hubby had prepared your hearts for 4 children. We had, too (we have 1 daughter already), and it is such a sad shock to know that it isn't going to happen. I hope it gets easier with time. I worry that I will always look for my twins' missing sibling. Assuming the other 2 make it, that is.

Good luck to you, and I wish you peace in the new year.

Casey M. said...

I am so sorry...I've followed your journey since the miscarriage happened, and the posts make me cry even though I've never met you. You're a wonderful person and mother and I wish you and your family the best. Here's to a healthy Baby #4! :)

Surrounded By Boys said...

I related to this post so much. I just had #4 three months ago, but after I had #3 and it was my THIRD boy, people thought I would give up on trying for a girl and be done. But I was never trying for a girl, I just didn't feel our family was complete. I struggled with the idea of having #4 because of the financial burden of another child, but in the end I'm soooo happy I have him and our family does now feel totally complete, even without a girl.

That said, I do want to tell you that I am a dynamo and champion multi-tasker, too, but there is a HUGE difference between 3 and 4. I didn't think there would be, but I truly feel now that I've lost my mind most days. Not that it's not worth it, but just a heads-up!

Merry Christmas to you and I hope by next Christmas you have a new beautiful baby! :)

Becky

manapan said...

I'm glad you have the strength and courage to talk about your loss and to keep talking about it. Most people just can't seem to understand that just because I'm not talking about my two lost babies, I'm not thinking about them. That is never the truth. I have a feeling that it will never be the truth. And I know that holds true for all mamas of lost babies.

And I totally understand your feelings on waiting. We're in the same boat. We know we need to wait for financial, emotional, and physical reasons, so I'm on bcp. But the longing to try again is so bad I ended up skipping a few pills in a moment of weakness!

You're a great mother to your three here and to your one missing baby. And you'll be a great mother to however many more you and your husband decide to welcome into your family. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Everything you are saying is absolutely true. I am almost 2 years out from when we lost our baby at 13 weeks 3 days. I have another baby now that will be a year old next month. It still hurts the same. I totally love my daughter and to us she is our miracle child. We have 3 living kids now. People were honestly shocked when I was pregnant again after our loss. Hello, each of our babies were planned. We wanted that baby very much. I keep it with people I trust. That is very few. Mainly with my girls at SG as they totally understand. HUGS.

Oh and I totally understand the she has three and is busy part. We had someone ask us at a christmas party on Christmas eve if we were done. I answered probably. We'll see. SIL (WHO I HAVE NEVER DISCUSSED REPRODUCTION PLANS WITH) immediately answers for me Why, she has three beautiful girls. Hello, you don't take care of my girls and you don't pay my bills. WHY would you think you get a say. Trust me, if we had a fourth (I have already discussed with my ob with doing a csection hysterectomy for medical issues and he has totally agreed), NO ONE would be on board.

Anonymous said...

We have 5 children and have had two miscarriages (@9 weeks and 12 weeks) since our 5th. Most of our family didn't even know we were pregnant those two times. We had such a cold reaction when we told about our 5th one, I was determined to wait until I had to tell with the last two. I still think of their due dates as they pass, although the reaction softens with time.

Are we done? We've always left that up to God, and now that I'm 43, I'm sure the chances are much less. Unfortunate that people can't just let every couple make their own choices and rejoice with them even if it's different from what you would choose.

I hope you are blessed with another soon:0)

Janet

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I've never had a mc, but 2.5 yrs ago I lost my 24 yo sister to suicide. She was only 18 mos younger than me, so it was very difficult. I already had 3 children, at the time they were 6.5, 4 (both boys), and 3 (girl), so we were definitely busy and had our hands full. But suddenly I wanted, NEEDED another baby. I wasn't trying to replace my sister, to fill the gap that was suddenly there. Yes, I wanted a sister for my daughter but knew that was out of my hands. I just knew that we weren't DONE yet, another child was waiting for us. We now have a beautiful 14 mo red headed little boy who is the light of our lives, it is so great to see all of our children playing together and we feel completed. I got so angry when ppl said I was just trying to replace my sister. It wasn't that at all, it was the knowledge that life is short, sometimes much much too short, and you should live with as few regrets as possible. I would never regret having a child, but I would always regret not having one if my heart said one was waiting.

I wish you success with another child. Don't listen to what others say. After giving birth to 3 children in 3.5 yrs, the last only 14 mos apart, everyone told me to get my tubes tied. I was only 22 at the time and it just didn't feel right. I'm so glad that I chose an IUD instead. We got pg the first cycle after it was pulled. It is between you and your husband, no one else.

Pietrowski's of North Andover said...

Almost one month ago, I miscarried at 12 weeks. Since then I have been trying to surround myself with people who understand, who have been there-- and I have found so many mothers thru blogs. I feel like you reached in my head and heart and wrote so many things I have been feeling... heart and head not being on the same playing field...how people just expect mothers to move on, and how a m/c can make you realize how badly you want another child...

It is so refreshing to read and share similar feelings.

So thank you for sharing.