Nurse Lochia's 12-step Program

Dear Doc that insists on being a P.I.T.A, here is my 12 step program to behaving like a professional:

1. If you are on call, please answer your pager or cell phone by the 3rd time I call you. I don't have time to make multiple phone calls to track you down...and if, because you didn't respond to my calls in a timely manner and your patient delivers before you arrive, please refrain from chewing my ass. I gave you ample time to get there, if you'd just answered your F#$king phone!

2. It is very difficult to read your mind. If you are not on call, but want to come for your patients delivery, fine. But you have to tell us that. Otherwise we won't call you, because those times that you aren't on call and don't want to come in, you rip us a new one. Let us know what you want. I do not enjoy a good butt chewing.

3. Just because I work nights doesn't mean I'm ignorant. I have more experience than half of the dayshift. I am a good nurse.

4. I don't know your schedule. I am truly sorry if you are called for delivery and it's your baby's time to eat, or the nanny's not there, or you have shampoo in your hair. That is bad timing, but I did not plot to ruin your schedule.

5. If you are on call, please expect to be awake. As one doc told me "I expect to be awake, and sleep is a blessing". Yeah, I know it sucks, but I have to call you about patients that come in. I have no control over labor, so sorry if you have to come in for a patient to deliver at 2a.m.

6. Speaking of control over labor, just because a patient was 2 cm and didn't need an epidural at that point, does not mean that she won't be uncomfortable, 7cm and want an epidural in an hour. I didn't lie to you just to wake you up as you crawl into bed. I may be evil, but not that evil. And just because at 11pm, labor is closed, or there are no labor patients, doesn't mean that we won't end up with a full house in 2 hours, with patients wanting epidurals or needing a c-section. We don't control the forces of labor in the community.

7. If I call you in the middle of the night, it is because you need to know what's going on with your patient. I will give you some slack when you are grumpy at 2:30 a.m, (as I am probably the most unpleasant person to wake up, just as anyone whose been around me in the morning will attest to) but there is a limit.

8. I don't enjoy waking you up at night. Really. Nothing personal, but the fewer times I have to call you, the happier I am.

9. However, I will enjoy calling you at 3a.m for delivery when you send in a G6P5 at midnight for induction. That's asking for trouble. Really, midnight sucks for the patient. I know you do that so they will deliver during the daylight, but seriously, they get no sleep and are exhausted from the beginning. That leads to more breakdowns, more tears and more formula supplementation by breastfeeding moms who are just exhausted. And could you please explain to your patient that even though they will be there at midnight, that you won't be coming in to break their water until 8AM?

10. I am a professional. I am educated. I am human. Please treat me as such. I treat you with respect, please do the same for me. We are, in fact, on the same side. We both want to provide great patient care. Can't we work together?

11. I am human. I will make mistakes. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but so will you. I don't scream at you in front of your co-workers. Please extend the same respect to me. Thanks.

12. Most of your fellow MD's are pleasant to work with. Don't give them a bad name by being a jerk. Watch them. Take notes. Please.

I hope this list helps you to become less of an ass. Thanks for your time.

Very Sincerely Yours,
Nurse Lochia