How We Got Here

I think most people have figured out by now that we had a little surprise here a couple weeks ago. Yes, I am pregnant again! Now that the dust has settled and I've had time to process, I am now excited as most expectant mothers are, although a bit apprehensive at the same time. Let me explain. This will probably be a long post and I am going to be completely honest about my feelings as they happened, feelings that some people may be appalled at, and I will promptly remove any negative comments left as I don't need any more guilt or judgement. I do a fine enough job at that, thank you very much! So, that said, over the last few months, I'll admit that seeing Isaiah growing and becoming less and less of a baby kinda pulled at that desire for babies. And I even wrote this post about that. I think also working in OB and seeing pregnant women and newborns contributed to that. I had wondered if I had in fact wanted another baby, or if it was just a little nostalgia now that my youngest was getting older and that there wouldn't be anymore. And I had realized that was all it was, nostalgia. I liked pregnancy and babies, but not enough to have another. There's much more to it than being pregnant and holding a newborn. I had started running again, something I have loved since high school and it made me feel like Nurse Lochia the woman. Don't get me wrong I love being wife and mother, but I believe that you have to have something outside of those roles. So this spring summer, I've been running races, training for the ultimate goal of a half marathon this fall and I've never felt better. I was getting in shape, my times were good for me and I had reconnected with an old H.S. friend. I felt like I had it all: a loving husband, beautiful children and I was reaching personal goals. My confidence has never been higher. I had decided shortly after Isaiah was born, that I would take bcp and after he was weaned, I would get an IUD placed. That way, should we decide in a couple years to have another baby, it could be removed, or more likely, Husband could get snipped and the IUD would be in place to prevent a pregnancy until he had a sperm count done that said we were in the clear. I am religious pill taker, so I had no worries of a pregnancy. I took the pill everyday at 8:00 a.m, give or take one hour. A couple weeks ago, I realized that Isaiah was almost weaned. A girl I work with had one placed and said that they had her take a pregnancy test before her appointment. So I bought one with the intention of taking it, knowing it would be negative (ha ha!) and then I'd make an appointment. Okay, a few nights later, all the kids were asleep and Husband and I were up watching tv. I suddenly felt like I could vomit out of no where. I ran upstairs and I did indeed vomit. I wasn't really consciously thinking about anything, but something made me take that test. I sat there looking at the test, like I have when I've taken tests to make myself feel better that I was not pregnant, and thought "okay, there's the control line, good, I'm not pregnant, not that I ever thought I was, but, oh, wait, shit, that wasn't the control line, OMG there are 2 dark lines, no, that can't be right, crap, no way, oh no, am I seeing this right, yes, I am, crap!" And as you can see, it wasn't a faint line. It appeared this way right away.


I sat there for what felt like eternity, just staring at those 2 dark lines, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. Remember, we had pretty much decided that 3 was it. Denial started kicking in. I thought "if I just throw it away and leave the bathroom and not tell anyone, it will go away. This can't be real" Panic then took over and I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I had just read in the paper that Plan.ned Par.enthood was using pills instead of the traditional way, and I hate to admit it, but for a split second I thought about that, until I realized that I really wouldn't want that and couldn't do that. I then hoped that I would miscarry. I'm telling you, I was completely freaking out. And I kept thinking, if I just forget about it, it won't really be happening. After about 30 minutes, I realized that this was in fact happening and that I had to go downstairs and tell Husband. It took me 5 minutes to quit crying to tell him. When I started thinking about things that had been happening over the last couple weeks, it made sense. My milk was really drying up fast, I had been extremely exhausted even after getting plenty of sleep, my runs were sometimes slower than they had been, I felt bloated and gassy and the last couple evenings, I'd felt just a tad nauseated. I chalked it up to other things, but then realized, duh, it was because I was pregnant. After that night, I woke up feeling much better about it. And over the next couple days, I went from being upset about the pregnancy to optimistic. I wish I hadn't felt the way I did initially, and should something happen and I do miscarry, I'll carry some guilt with me. But I had come to a place where I was happy with my family and had started doing something purely for me, and that part I don't feel guilty about, but I had moved on from the childbearing chapter to the next where I raise the family I have. Like I said, everyone needs something that makes them feel like a woman and not just a mother/wife/labor nurse. I've also come to realize that this was completely out of my hands. Something kept me from getting a tubal after Isaiah was born, and I think God decided "Well, they need another child, and she's about to have an IUD placed so it's now or never". I still wonder how we will manage 4 children. For a few months, we will have 3 in daycare, 2 kids will have to share a room and of course there's the financial aspect. Plus we had a rocky spot in our marriage after Isaiah and I worry about that. But, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and although I feel like we're going to be overwhelmed, He knows us better than we know ourselves. We'll be fine.

Now when it comes to my EDD, I'm not completely sure. I had my first period since Isaiah was born on May 22. Then again June 1st, then I had some spotting June 10. So my best guess is that June 1st was the first day of my LMP and that the 10th may have been implantation bleeding, so that's how I came up with 3-7-10. But I don't know. I will have an sono 8-4 to verify gestational age and to see if it's a viable pregnancy and I'll know better then. I am very excited at this point, and since I've been running 3-5 miles most days, I plan to continue as long as my body will allow. I actually have a 5K race 8-8 that I'm signed up for. Instead of the half marathon at the end of August, I'll just be doing a 5K. I even found a shirt I'll order once I see a heartbeat that says "Runner with Child" and on the back it says "I'm pregnant and I'm ahead of you". (make sure you check out the back!) It's a cool site and I'll probably get a tank top. I also found a site that I can get a shirt that says "Yes, I'm pregnant again, and yes we know what causes it" because I know once people find out, we'll hear all sorts of dumb things. No need for worries about me not wanting this baby. It was just the initial shock and surprise because really and truthfully, I was religious about taking that pill, and I NEVER missed a pill and hadn't ever been later than 1 hour taking it. It never even crossed my mind that I would actually get pregnant. I know some people will be skeptical and think "Oh, she forgot one time", but if you know me, you know that isn't the case. So far I'm feeling pretty good, some nausea on and off, and I'm of course tired. I was a bit crampy last week and that freaked me out, even though I knew it was normal. I'm anxious to find out a EDD for sure AND to make sure that little bugger is alright. Of course, I'm not showing yet (although since this is the 4 time, I'm sure I'll look pregnant or fluffy in only a matter of a few weeks), but here is the first of the belly shots, at somewhere about 5-7 weeks gestation, 6w3d if my EDD of 3-7-10 is right. So thus starts another journey on the rollercoaster that is pregnancy...hold on tight!

PS: Prisca, can I be invited to your blog?