July 21, 2009

How We Got Here

I think most people have figured out by now that we had a little surprise here a couple weeks ago. Yes, I am pregnant again! Now that the dust has settled and I've had time to process, I am now excited as most expectant mothers are, although a bit apprehensive at the same time. Let me explain. This will probably be a long post and I am going to be completely honest about my feelings as they happened, feelings that some people may be appalled at, and I will promptly remove any negative comments left as I don't need any more guilt or judgement. I do a fine enough job at that, thank you very much! So, that said, over the last few months, I'll admit that seeing Isaiah growing and becoming less and less of a baby kinda pulled at that desire for babies. And I even wrote this post about that. I think also working in OB and seeing pregnant women and newborns contributed to that. I had wondered if I had in fact wanted another baby, or if it was just a little nostalgia now that my youngest was getting older and that there wouldn't be anymore. And I had realized that was all it was, nostalgia. I liked pregnancy and babies, but not enough to have another. There's much more to it than being pregnant and holding a newborn. I had started running again, something I have loved since high school and it made me feel like Nurse Lochia the woman. Don't get me wrong I love being wife and mother, but I believe that you have to have something outside of those roles. So this spring summer, I've been running races, training for the ultimate goal of a half marathon this fall and I've never felt better. I was getting in shape, my times were good for me and I had reconnected with an old H.S. friend. I felt like I had it all: a loving husband, beautiful children and I was reaching personal goals. My confidence has never been higher. I had decided shortly after Isaiah was born, that I would take bcp and after he was weaned, I would get an IUD placed. That way, should we decide in a couple years to have another baby, it could be removed, or more likely, Husband could get snipped and the IUD would be in place to prevent a pregnancy until he had a sperm count done that said we were in the clear. I am religious pill taker, so I had no worries of a pregnancy. I took the pill everyday at 8:00 a.m, give or take one hour. A couple weeks ago, I realized that Isaiah was almost weaned. A girl I work with had one placed and said that they had her take a pregnancy test before her appointment. So I bought one with the intention of taking it, knowing it would be negative (ha ha!) and then I'd make an appointment. Okay, a few nights later, all the kids were asleep and Husband and I were up watching tv. I suddenly felt like I could vomit out of no where. I ran upstairs and I did indeed vomit. I wasn't really consciously thinking about anything, but something made me take that test. I sat there looking at the test, like I have when I've taken tests to make myself feel better that I was not pregnant, and thought "okay, there's the control line, good, I'm not pregnant, not that I ever thought I was, but, oh, wait, shit, that wasn't the control line, OMG there are 2 dark lines, no, that can't be right, crap, no way, oh no, am I seeing this right, yes, I am, crap!" And as you can see, it wasn't a faint line. It appeared this way right away.


I sat there for what felt like eternity, just staring at those 2 dark lines, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. Remember, we had pretty much decided that 3 was it. Denial started kicking in. I thought "if I just throw it away and leave the bathroom and not tell anyone, it will go away. This can't be real" Panic then took over and I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I had just read in the paper that Plan.ned Par.enthood was using pills instead of the traditional way, and I hate to admit it, but for a split second I thought about that, until I realized that I really wouldn't want that and couldn't do that. I then hoped that I would miscarry. I'm telling you, I was completely freaking out. And I kept thinking, if I just forget about it, it won't really be happening. After about 30 minutes, I realized that this was in fact happening and that I had to go downstairs and tell Husband. It took me 5 minutes to quit crying to tell him. When I started thinking about things that had been happening over the last couple weeks, it made sense. My milk was really drying up fast, I had been extremely exhausted even after getting plenty of sleep, my runs were sometimes slower than they had been, I felt bloated and gassy and the last couple evenings, I'd felt just a tad nauseated. I chalked it up to other things, but then realized, duh, it was because I was pregnant. After that night, I woke up feeling much better about it. And over the next couple days, I went from being upset about the pregnancy to optimistic. I wish I hadn't felt the way I did initially, and should something happen and I do miscarry, I'll carry some guilt with me. But I had come to a place where I was happy with my family and had started doing something purely for me, and that part I don't feel guilty about, but I had moved on from the childbearing chapter to the next where I raise the family I have. Like I said, everyone needs something that makes them feel like a woman and not just a mother/wife/labor nurse. I've also come to realize that this was completely out of my hands. Something kept me from getting a tubal after Isaiah was born, and I think God decided "Well, they need another child, and she's about to have an IUD placed so it's now or never". I still wonder how we will manage 4 children. For a few months, we will have 3 in daycare, 2 kids will have to share a room and of course there's the financial aspect. Plus we had a rocky spot in our marriage after Isaiah and I worry about that. But, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and although I feel like we're going to be overwhelmed, He knows us better than we know ourselves. We'll be fine.

Now when it comes to my EDD, I'm not completely sure. I had my first period since Isaiah was born on May 22. Then again June 1st, then I had some spotting June 10. So my best guess is that June 1st was the first day of my LMP and that the 10th may have been implantation bleeding, so that's how I came up with 3-7-10. But I don't know. I will have an sono 8-4 to verify gestational age and to see if it's a viable pregnancy and I'll know better then. I am very excited at this point, and since I've been running 3-5 miles most days, I plan to continue as long as my body will allow. I actually have a 5K race 8-8 that I'm signed up for. Instead of the half marathon at the end of August, I'll just be doing a 5K. I even found a shirt I'll order once I see a heartbeat that says "Runner with Child" and on the back it says "I'm pregnant and I'm ahead of you". (make sure you check out the back!) It's a cool site and I'll probably get a tank top. I also found a site that I can get a shirt that says "Yes, I'm pregnant again, and yes we know what causes it" because I know once people find out, we'll hear all sorts of dumb things. No need for worries about me not wanting this baby. It was just the initial shock and surprise because really and truthfully, I was religious about taking that pill, and I NEVER missed a pill and hadn't ever been later than 1 hour taking it. It never even crossed my mind that I would actually get pregnant. I know some people will be skeptical and think "Oh, she forgot one time", but if you know me, you know that isn't the case. So far I'm feeling pretty good, some nausea on and off, and I'm of course tired. I was a bit crampy last week and that freaked me out, even though I knew it was normal. I'm anxious to find out a EDD for sure AND to make sure that little bugger is alright. Of course, I'm not showing yet (although since this is the 4 time, I'm sure I'll look pregnant or fluffy in only a matter of a few weeks), but here is the first of the belly shots, at somewhere about 5-7 weeks gestation, 6w3d if my EDD of 3-7-10 is right. So thus starts another journey on the rollercoaster that is pregnancy...hold on tight!

PS: Prisca, can I be invited to your blog?

21 comments:

Sheridan said...

Congrats to you!

I can only imagine the shock! I "planned" all my pregnancys. If I found out I was surprisingly pregnant, I am sure I would be in denial and not happy for a few days until I could wrap my mind around the upcoming changes and accept it.

Indeed it will all work out!

Nadia said...

I really appreciate you posting your honest reaction to such big news. I haven't been there myself, but I can imagine more women go through the same thought process as you when they have their own "surprise" than admit. I bet I would have a very similar reaction as you! It is crazy enough to be expecting a pregnancy, let alone discover it out of the blue.

Congrats on the news! (now that it has sunk in)

PS: sharing a bedroom isn't the worst thing in the world ;-)

Veronica said...

Delurking to say congratulations!

Laura Jane said...

All completely understandable.

I was excited for you to be running again, and regaining a 'life' after being so taken up with the anklebiters, so...if it helps, I do mourn the loss of that a bit, in solidarity.

However, gaining a life this way is also pretty special. There must have been a soul whizzing around the universe somewhere that needed a good home.

Honesty over these reproductive issues is really important, so you are not bad in the slightest for considering an alternative. AS we midives would know, it is really common, despite any moralistic protestations to the contrary.

Thanks for being so prompt with the start of the belly shots! GULP! Its REAL!

Best of luck

Snarky Mom said...

I have so been right where you are. I got pregnant on the pill also and I was also religious about taking it on time every.single.day. My third was 2 and we were done. DoNe. I had an appointment scheduled to have the IUD placed. Then, surprise! I went through all those emotions too but I was too ashamed to admit it to anyone, even myself. My little surprise baby is now 17 months old and the light of my life. He was just meant to be here and I cannot imagine life without him.

Thanks for being so honest and Congrats!!! Best wishes for a happy, healthy, easy pregnancy!

Heather said...

Congratulations. I would have been in shock too.

Carbon said...

Congrats! I think if any of us were honest with ourselves and in your situation they would go through the same cycle of emotions. I hope the roller coaster brings more fun and joy than you could have imagined in those first scary moments!

bookwoman said...

Another one with a "bonus" child in our family. Conceived while breastfeeding. Born 17 months after her sister. Same "oh no" feelings initially. Then wondering if I'd have a miscarriage since many of my friends had. Child #4 was born on April Fools Day (ha ha) 21 years ago, is best friend to her sister and they're both about to depart for grad school together in a month. Can't imagine life without this bonus child and neither can the rest of her family. What a blessing God gave.

May said...

No oopsies here in my house, but a rash of them has broken out it the neighborhood recently. An excellent post. I, too, appreciate the honesty. I had a what-have-we-done moment myself during my last, very planned pregnancy. Good luck!

Morgan said...

must be something about baby #4s. My 4th. came as a complete shock. I thought I was going to die and was convinced I would miscarry because I couldn't imagine how having another child at that time could be part of God's Will. Plus, a couple people gave me such a hard time about being pregnant again, that it only made me feel even more down.

It took me a while into the pregnancy before I was able to get really excited about it, and even then the feeling did not seem to be shared by most others I knew.

Now my youngest is 20 months old and I can say that my surprise baby has been a complete joy.

As scary as it is at first, it gets better and you will be able to bond. Blessings to you and your upcoming arrival!

Katie said...

Congrats! I did the exact same thing when I found out I was PG with #2. My son was only 12 months old and just weaned and I was so excited to be getting my body back to "myself." I think I said "no no no" quite a few times! I too, felt much happier in a few days. Now I'm excited to meet my little surprise bundle in October.

prachi said...

VBAC or RCS

Jessica said...

Congrats! So excited for you!

Alison aka Baby B said...

That's certainly big news!

Congrats!

Surrounded By Boys said...

I think it's great! I am also cooking up Baby #4, due in mid September. Don't feel guilty about initial feelings and apprehensions, just maybe don't write about them in the baby book. ha ha!

Fertilized said...

i love honesty.. i have been walkin on egg shells on my blog for months now . and it's the big elephant in the WWW about my feelings

mommymichael said...

I know how you feel!!!
We were planning for baby #3 sometime after my hubby's raise. With him being Navy, first you get the promotion, and the raise comes months later. So I was planning to get preggo either fall of this year, or june. THEN hubby said he wanted to wait longer. So I reluctantly agreed.

Well in June I was mowing the lawn and suddenly had to vomit. So I stopped the mower and threw up right in the yard. I ran inside (since I had missed my period that day) and took a test. I was expecting it to pop up negative, because never...ever.. have I taken a test and it show positive until a week after my missed period.
It popped up a very VERY strong plus sign and I started crying so hard. I wasn't ready, I was started to work out and get my abs in shape so they'd be strong for the future pregnacy. No such luck. We're due Feb 20th..well around there. but I like to say the date because it's our second son's b-day! We're apparently pretty consistent. lol

This is our second "oops" baby (with protection).
and it doesn't help that I'm getting negative responses from my FIL.

Congratulations! Enjoy the pregnancy!

And as far as being fluffy goes.. I've never really had strong abs, but this time around I'm only 10 weeks and I look like I'm about 4.5 months already.

Taking Heart said...

Congratulations! Great news... I'm still on the fence for #4.

wife.mom.nurse said...

Congratulations!

Nothing you said surprised me. (Even though we just met :)

I talk with so many women who were ambivalent when they found out they were pregnant...I hope you will go easy on yourself. It actually sounds like you already are.

That's awesome that you continue running. Good for you.

I added you to my nursey blogroll :)

Thanks for adding me to yours. Looking forward to following your journey at home and the hospital.

~Julie

Emily said...

I loved reading this.....our fourth (due it 5 weeks!) was a COMPLETE surprise. Like you, I was on BCP and waiting to get the IUD placed b/c I had an abnormal pap after #3 was born. After a recheck came back fine, the nurse told me to go ahead and make and appt. to get the IUD placed when I got my next period. Never came. It was against ALL odds that I got pregnant...being on birth control, having a 6 month old NURSING baby, having sex ONLY ONCE that month (hubby was traveling the rest of the time)...I had the same feelings you did. WE weren't totally sure we were done, but we were certainly done THEN...and it was so hard not being overjoyed at those two pink lines like I was for my first three! It was really nice to read about someone who had the same reaction :) My girls also have to share a room....I'll let you know how it goes ;)

Deena said...

Congratulations, my little surprise came in the middle of nursing school. She is almost a year now and such a blessing. I ran 20-25 miles a week until I was 8 1/2 months pregnant in steamy south Florida. I got all kinds of flax for it from friends and family. It turned out to be the healthiest pregnancy every so, keep up the good work and hit the trails a couple weeks after you have the baby and you will be back in shape in no time.