Wednesday, October 15 is the pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I just wanted to take a moment to remember all the families that love and have lost babies. It's a pain I wish no one had to endure. Each year at this time, I remember all the patients that have had such a loss. I remember my niece Mirabel. A child so loved, so wanted and anticipated. So many plans were made for this little girl and my son. I remember the joy of hearing my SIL was in labor, the anticipation that finally she would give birth and our children would grow up together and play together. Man, I remember the anxiousness I felt walking into her labor room, and then...the sadness. Seeing my big, tough BIL break down in tears, the fetal monitor without a fetal heartrate tracing, the tears in the nurse's eye when she realized we didn't know yet, and the words my SIL said "She didn't make it". I remember sitting with her, holding her hand, talking to her the duration of her labor. I remember the 4-5 hours of pushing on and off, wondering how long they would let her go on. And I remember seeing this perfect little baby being born, waiting for a cry that would never come. Feeling the tears burning my eyes as my BIL falls into the chair, burying his head in his hands. Hearing my SIL's voice, hoping against all hope, asking a desperate, quiet question "Is she breathing" and the doctor's no nonsense reply "No". I remember the nurse asking them if they wanted to hold her, which they were not ready yet, but in the end would hold her for 12 hours. I remember that same nurse handing me pictures of Mirabel, which I turned over and handed to my BIL, and having him turn to me and sob on my shoulders. I remember how after all of those hours, I left that delivery room, trying to hold myself together, walking to the waiting room, telling everyone she delivered and then running the bathroom and screaming, crying, yelling at God and the world, how could this happen? I remember not being strong enough to go back into that labor room to see and hold my niece with the rest of the family. I instead remember clutching my 5 month old Jacob and crying, thankful I had my son, but angry my SIL couldn't have her daughter. Oh my God, the hurt, the heartache and pain and it wasn't even MY child. I remember the funeral, and each December 1st since. All I know is the pain I felt, I can't even imagine what it is like as the parents. So here is in remembrance of all the babies who have gone on before their parents. You are much loved. You are not forgotten.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say,
"A Mother has a baby this we know is true,
But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "
“ Yes, you can ” He replied with confidence in His voice
“ I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. ”
"I just don ’ t understand this, God I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say
"We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
"Mommy don ’ t be sad today, I ’ m your baby and I ’ m Here".
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are OK.
Your baby is here in My home and this where he'll stay.
He'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home he'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start."