October 28, 2008
On the Rocks
I've been debating on whether or not I should talk about this here. But I decided it might help me feel better about it. I remember when we met with the pastor before we were married. He said "If you are having problems, keep them to yourself. The rest of the world should see you as the God-fearing, loving husband and wife." Basically, put on a show. Well, that just isn't working for my life right now. So, here goes. Yesterday morning, one of the dayshift charge nurses asked me when I was going to go back to school? I gave a little laugh. I remember when I really thought that I'd be able to get back to school and get my masters degree. If you've read my blog since the beginning, you may remember I had that in my profile. I wasn't always sure what I'd get it in, but I do have several options since I hold degrees in both nursing and biology. My coworker thought I should go to midwifery school. While I love labor and birth, I don't think I'd like the responsibility of being a midwife. Plus, the state I live in is not midwife-friendly. Or I could do women's health. Or kinesiology. Or exercise physiology. Or something completely different. But that's not really the main problem. It would be support from my husband That's really the kicker. That really got me thinking about the state of our union. I don't think my marriage would last if I added school into the mix. We're already on shaky ground right now. I work my butt off, work night shift and weekends to make the maximum amount of money with the least amount of time at work and most at home with the kids. I am exhausted all the time. I had to reevaluate my definition of tired since the birth of Isaiah. But everyone knows that's part of it. And in a year or two, I'll look back and long for those days when Isaiah was such a little love bug when he's coloring on my walls and terrorizing the cats. But, every weekend, there is a fight between Husband and I because he has to do what I do all week long: take care of the kids and house without my help and get up with the baby at night. To hear him talk, you'd think he was trying to hold the earth up on his shoulders while changing a diaper. Too bad he forgets I do it all week. Only difference is he has them alone at night. And he doesn't do the housework I do, or cook on the weekends. It's all just frustrating me right now. Things are stressful and I can't talk to him because he says things like "it was your choice to work nights and weekends", "go to dayshift" or "Well, think how bad it is for me". Um, okay, when was the last time you were awake, for 27-28 hours straight? I do that EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT. I can't just go to dayshift, even if I wanted to. I computed the difference in my pay if I did days instead of weekends and I would make less than half of what I make now. Not an option. Days would be a more normal life, but I don't think it would resolve any of the problems we're having. I also pay bills, buy groceries, do all steps of laundry, dust, sweep, mop, call people for house repairs, take care of the cats and those pesky fleas we had, litter box, bathrooms, and keeping track of what clothes the kids need, doctors and dentist appointments, birth control and breastfeeding. Oh, and most of Jacob's school stuff. He does work more hours than me so I don't mind doing more. But his list includes garbage, kitchen at times, and yard work (which doesn't always get done). All I want is for him to appreciate what I do without making me feel guilty. And to buck up, let his testicles descend and deal with the kids and lack of sleep for each 36 hour period he has to deal with it every week. I know we're both feeling under-appreciated and that's probably most of the problem. But it's wearing on me, you know? There are all sorts of other issues. His job is stressful, I'm frustrated with work as well, trying to make sure we do everything we should for Jacob's school and giving Clara enough time so she doesn't feel left out. We're just in a tough spot right now.