October 28, 2008

On the Rocks

I've been debating on whether or not I should talk about this here. But I decided it might help me feel better about it. I remember when we met with the pastor before we were married. He said "If you are having problems, keep them to yourself. The rest of the world should see you as the God-fearing, loving husband and wife." Basically, put on a show. Well, that just isn't working for my life right now. So, here goes. Yesterday morning, one of the dayshift charge nurses asked me when I was going to go back to school? I gave a little laugh. I remember when I really thought that I'd be able to get back to school and get my masters degree. If you've read my blog since the beginning, you may remember I had that in my profile. I wasn't always sure what I'd get it in, but I do have several options since I hold degrees in both nursing and biology. My coworker thought I should go to midwifery school. While I love labor and birth, I don't think I'd like the responsibility of being a midwife. Plus, the state I live in is not midwife-friendly. Or I could do women's health. Or kinesiology. Or exercise physiology. Or something completely different. But that's not really the main problem. It would be support from my husband That's really the kicker. That really got me thinking about the state of our union. I don't think my marriage would last if I added school into the mix. We're already on shaky ground right now. I work my butt off, work night shift and weekends to make the maximum amount of money with the least amount of time at work and most at home with the kids. I am exhausted all the time. I had to reevaluate my definition of tired since the birth of Isaiah. But everyone knows that's part of it. And in a year or two, I'll look back and long for those days when Isaiah was such a little love bug when he's coloring on my walls and terrorizing the cats. But, every weekend, there is a fight between Husband and I because he has to do what I do all week long: take care of the kids and house without my help and get up with the baby at night. To hear him talk, you'd think he was trying to hold the earth up on his shoulders while changing a diaper. Too bad he forgets I do it all week. Only difference is he has them alone at night. And he doesn't do the housework I do, or cook on the weekends. It's all just frustrating me right now. Things are stressful and I can't talk to him because he says things like "it was your choice to work nights and weekends", "go to dayshift" or "Well, think how bad it is for me". Um, okay, when was the last time you were awake, for 27-28 hours straight? I do that EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT. I can't just go to dayshift, even if I wanted to. I computed the difference in my pay if I did days instead of weekends and I would make less than half of what I make now. Not an option. Days would be a more normal life, but I don't think it would resolve any of the problems we're having. I also pay bills, buy groceries, do all steps of laundry, dust, sweep, mop, call people for house repairs, take care of the cats and those pesky fleas we had, litter box, bathrooms, and keeping track of what clothes the kids need, doctors and dentist appointments, birth control and breastfeeding. Oh, and most of Jacob's school stuff. He does work more hours than me so I don't mind doing more. But his list includes garbage, kitchen at times, and yard work (which doesn't always get done). All I want is for him to appreciate what I do without making me feel guilty. And to buck up, let his testicles descend and deal with the kids and lack of sleep for each 36 hour period he has to deal with it every week. I know we're both feeling under-appreciated and that's probably most of the problem. But it's wearing on me, you know? There are all sorts of other issues. His job is stressful, I'm frustrated with work as well, trying to make sure we do everything we should for Jacob's school and giving Clara enough time so she doesn't feel left out. We're just in a tough spot right now.

9 comments:

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Jessica said...

It's ok to talk about stuff like this on your blog. That's what it's here for :)

It's so hard finding time to do everything, especially with little ones and working on top of that. I work 8 hours a day and can barely find time. I can't imagine working the hours you do, and doing everything on top of that. You rock being able to do what you do!

But on a serious note, maybe you guys just need to sit down and talk about stuff, because I've found when things get a little tense in our household, we tend to keep it bottled up until one of us just lets loose. We've been better lately with talking it out, and it's seeming to help. I think men seem to get resentful about alot of stuff, and their way of dealing with it is not talking. We've both been resentful at times, and we were resentful at one another and it just kept building. Not good.

Seriously though, talk it out. It might make things a little better.

(And don't give up on your dream of going back to school. You'll be glad you made the choice to go back.)

Fertilized said...

I wish i had some grand idea that would help all couples in this situation. It seems to be a common place to be stuck in

Mrs. Spit said...

I guess talking about it on your blog depends on your perspective.

I know that I would be absolutely devastated and humiliated if my husband were to air our marriage issues on his blog. I would feel betrayed.

Hopefully the two of you can find someone to talk out your issues with.

AtYourCervix said...

Talking it out on your blog is ok, to a certain point. You get things off your chest and vent, but it doesn't make things better. Have you and your husband tried couples counseling? Or, if he won't go, how about counseling just for you? That's not to say everything is all on your lap to fix it either! But I will tell you, when I went to counseling, it really helped ME work on MY issues. My ex husband was an abusive piece of crap, and going to counseling helped me build my self esteem. He never helped me when I was in nursing school, and I did it all - the household, the kids, school, etc. I also wasn't working during nursing school, so I could get away with doing it all at home too. But now? Working...grad school...home life..parenting -- I need my partner's full support. And thankfully, I get it, most of the time. I think if you try to take on school now, with the turmoil that your marriage is going through right now, something would break. Either your attempts at grad school, or your marriage.

Molly said...

I have nothing particularly useful to say, but I really admire how much work you manage to do and feel for you about the communication issues you're experiencing--being ignored, misunderstood, and blown off would be extremely frustrating for someone who was getting enough sleep, and since you're not ... ugh. Hope your week gets better from here.

Nurse Lochia said...

Quite honestly, thinking about grad school hasn't really been considered lately because the kids are so young. I wouldn't be able to juggle everything right now with the amount of sleep I get. It was just the irony that a co-worker asked about grad school after a rough weekend.

Julieann said...

Im glad i got to read this. I also work as a night shift L&D nurse and have been married for over a year. We have been together for 8 years. ALthough we don't have children I find my situtation very similar to yours. I take solace in being able to know I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing. It made me feel better.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean any offense, but maybe this is just proof that it is just really hard to make it work when both spouses work outside of the home, no matter what the shifts are. When our first was born, my husband and I decided that I would stay home, even though I had a great job, because it would be best for our children, and it would be best for our family. We had to stretch our budget and adjust, but there is NOTHING I would trade, for the peace that we have in our home now. It really does take someone being at home full-time to manage a peaceful household. I mean, you know how it is- when both of you work, there is no way you can get all the household things done, and spend time with your kids, and spend time with each other, and have time for yourself! NO WAY!