April 16, 2010

Voices - updated

I had posted this almost exactly a year ago. At the time, I never actually thought I'd be where I am, 12 weeks pregnant with my 4th baby.

Heart and Desire: You know you want to, just admit it. Think how much fun it would be!

Logic and Reason: I'm not so sure, but you're probably right, another baby would be cute and cuddly, but there's no way. No way.

HD: I want another baby.

LR: No I don't.

HD: I don't believe you.

LR: Well, I should.

HD: But, I don't.

LR: How can I not believe me, we're are the same person.

HD: This is true, but I don't believe you.

LR: We sound crazy, arguing like this. I think that makes me crazy in some way. I'm not sure of the diagnosis. Maybe we should consult Dr. Sister, the psychiatrist to diagnose my issue.

HD: Yeah, I guess having conversations and arguing with myself is kind of crazy.

LR: Yep.

HD: But, now that we've established that we are completely nuts, lets get back to the argument...why not another baby.

LR: Well, for starters, just no, and kids are expensive and the older they get, the more expensive they will become.

HD: Well, I guess there is that.

LR: Plus, I can't get anything done now with 3 kids, let alone another baby. Can you imagine that chaos?!

HD: After you have 3 kids running around, what's a 4th going to do? I already can mulit-task like a mad woman, plus by the time another would come around, I'll have 2 kids off in school and Isaiah will be close to going too.

LR: Right, but there's the expense and managing everyone's schedule...all the field trips, parent-teacher conferences, school activities, etc. Yeah, let's throw in a newborn, and more sleepless nights, exclusive breastfeeding, etc again. I'm still not getting a full nights sleep now.

HD: But, Isaiah is doing much better lately. So yeah I'll be tired, but what else is new? Would I really know what to do with more than enough sleep? Plus, don't I just want to experience being pregnant one more time?

LR: Not really. I mean, well, maybe. The middle part is kinda cool. Feeling movement, seeing that positive pregnancy test, seeing the sonogram. But the morning sickness sucks, and I had preterm contractions this last time.

HD: But they never really caused a problem, remember? And isn't there no better moment in the world than meeting your baby at delivery?

LR: Yeah, that is pretty cool, but remember, I've had 2 c-sections...that means there isn't a chance at a VBAC. Yeah, yeah, I could push for a VBAC, quote all the stats about the unlikelihood of complications, but come on, this area is very VBAC unfriendly, and I'd be too nervous.

HD: It would be your second labor, so in theory, you could go too quickly to be sectioned. The c-section wasn't so bad. I know it sucked recovering and the pain, but do you really remember that now? And does it make any difference now that Isaiah wasn't a vaginal delivery?

LR: No, it doesn't matter, and you're right, I can't really remember how much it sucked after the c/s, but I know it did.

HD: So if I really didn't want another, wouldn't I feel done? Do I feel done? I don't really feel done. Wouldn't either Husband or I have been "fixed"?

LR: Well, yeah, I do sort of feel like another would be okay, in theory, but there's so much more than that. The idea is nice, but money is an issue. Room in the house is an issue. The kids each have their own room now, if I had another, someone would have to share a room. I am in an old house that requires constant upkeep and major fixes, and we can't keep up now. I've yet to get out into the yard and pick up sticks, weed the landscaping, etc. Oh, and there's only 1 1/2 baths! What if number 4 is a girl! That would be an issue with the number of bathrooms we have

HD: So what if the yard isn't perfect. And so what if they have to share a room? The house is big enough. Plus, I work weekends for great pay. Things are going great now. And by the time the kids are older, maybe you'll have the basement finished and a bathroom down there for the boys. And how long will we live here, really?

LR: That's a big maybe on the house renovations or moving. I don't want to make a big decision based on a list of maybes. Plus I don't want to work weekend nights forever.

HD: But what do I want to do? Do I want to work dayshift? Do I want to work another job?

LR: Well, no. For the most part, weekend nights are working pretty darn good. There are some kinks, but not as many as there would be if I worked a normal shift.

HD: I rest my point on that.

LR: I think I'm just being nostalgic because Isaiah is getting older and not so much of a baby anymore. I think I'm just a little sad to think there won't be anymore babies, that once he's done breastfeeding, I'll never breastfeed again.

HD: Maybe there is some nostalgia because Isaiah is getting older. Maybe some of that is desire for another baby. So just think about it. Another pregnancy, another baby, another toddler, another child. Plus, my kids are so smart and cute.

LR: Yeah, but every mother thinks their kids are the most awesome. And I've already have been blessed more than I deserve. Three happy, healthy kids. I feel trying again would be tempting fate. Haven't I been blessed enough? Wouldn't it be greedy wanting just one more? What if the next time, I actually have bad preterm labor and have to be off or deliver early?

HD: I can understand that. I have been blessed, but again, I have 3 great kids. Wouldn't one more just add to it?

LR: I don't know. I'm not sure the family would be so thrilled, just because they would worry about us. We did have a hell of a time Isaiah's first year, and it's still a bit of a struggle managing everything. It would just be more chaotic with another. Remember all the arguments and fighting Husband and I did? I don't want to go through that again.

HD: We worked things out, didn't we? We have a strong relationship and we can get through anything. I know the family would be thrilled. They may worry for a bit, but that's what families do. And what's more chaos but more happiness?! Things would work out fine, and I know it. Just think about it. Husband had kinda tried to test the waters to see how I felt about another. I think he just waiting to hear, yeah, why not one more. Think about it. Plus I'm not talking about doing it anytime soon. In a few years, maybe even when Isaiah is about to go to kindergarten

LR: But I'll be "advanced maternal age" by that point!

HD: So?

LR: So? So there is an increased risk at that point.

HD: Lots of women have babies after 35. I've even seen women as old as 50 have a baby

LR: Yeah, well, that's them

HD: Just think about it, okay?

LR: Okay, I'll think about it, but I make no commitments.

HD: I know you'll cave, you always cave to me.

LR: I know, but we'll see.

HD: Yes, we will.

I guess the heart won! Everything just seems to have fallen into place, in all aspects. We didn't wait until Isaiah was in kindergarten, but the timing is perfect, and I'm NOT old enough for advanced maternal age! Although the heart won this arguement, logic and reason did have some demands that were all met. I guess everyone is a winner.
(should really proofread better, I am NOT advanced maternal age, like I had previously typed in error!)


Anonymous said...

Im so happy for you!! Sending positive thoughts!!

Unknown said...

I remember when I first read this from you! I think that I first started following your blog around that time!

So excited for this precious life!

(you have an award waiting: http://musings.thejonesjourney.com/?p=463)

Becky said...

My mom told me once "You'll never regret the kids you had, but you MIGHT regrets the ones you didn't have." She told me that you can get older and get do-overs on everything (I wish I'd traveled more, I wish I'd finished college, etc) but with having kids you just have this small window of time to do it so you'd best make sure when you're done, you're REALLY done.

I just had my 4th son 6 months ago and I feel I'm REALLY done now. No more conversations like that for me. When you're done, you'll know it.

apvegmama said...

I am so happy for you! I'm sending positive vibes, as well. I wouldn't worry about the VBAC issue. ;)