September 5, 2009

Slowly Going Forward

Tonight is my first full weekend back at work. I'm really hoping it is a bit better than Monday night. I think it will be. It's only been a bit more than a week, and things are slowly getting better. I still have moments, but not so many. I've checked out every resource people have suggested, and it's been very helpful just hearing from people who have gone through the same thing. The only thing no one has had is a negative urine pregnancy test before any of the pregnancy was passed like I did. Yesterday was a bit of a low day, and we had friends over to cook out. I just really wasn't in the mood to socialize, but it was fun anyway. The kids had a blast, getting to stay up later than they normally do and running around. We even got our little fire pit going and watched the fire for awhile. Not sure why that's fun, but it's relaxing and mesmerizing sitting around a fire.
Physically, I think things are pretty normal from what I've read about. I've been running again which feels good. Running has always been a way for me to relieve stress. I spotted for about 4 days post D&C, then nothing. I was really hoping that would be the end, but I started spotting again yesterday. It's quite obnoxious. I was also pretty crampy and felt like I do right before AF comes yesterday, but I know it's way too early for that. I am hoping that my cycles come back sooner rather than later, partially so I can feel normal again. I've read in many different places about how long you should wait after a m/c and D&C to try again, and I'm hoping my doc doesn't suggest waiting too long. I know it could be awhile before I even have a period again, but we are hoping to try again soon. I do plan on running more races and had hoped to go ahead and try to do a 10K, 15K or even a half marathon before it starts getting cold in November, but, of course, there aren't any that I can get to: they are all on Sundays. So, I may just try to increase my mileage on my own because once I get pregnant again (I'm being positive that our fertility hasn't been affected) I will not be running. I know that the running didn't have anything to do with it, but I just couldn't take the guilt if it happens again. I'll walk and do lower impact activities to stay in shape, and I'll just resume running afterwards. I know in the whole scheme of life, 3 months isn't a long time (it seems the recommended time to wait is either 1 cycle or 3 cycles) but right now it seems like a lifetime to wait.
Emotionally, it's still pretty hard at times. It's frequently on my mind, but it's getting better. I hadn't been able to actually eat a full meal until last night. Sleep is still a bit hard because when it's quiet, that's when my mind kicks into gear, but it didn't keep me up last night. I couldn't sleep because it was just that temperature where if you don't cover up, you are cold, but if you do then you wake up sweating. I've never had it to that degree, but I swear I'd be freezing and could cover up and then wake up in a cold sweat later. Niffer sent me this link. I actually have the book it's from. I tried to find the book last week because I remembered there was a touching story about "Spirit Babies" in there, but I couldn't find it or remember the story exactly. So I thought I'd repost the link so everyone can enjoy.


AwkwardMoments said...

thinking of you. enjoy the running

R times 5 said...

hi. i had a neg pee test too prior to passing anything. i was only 6 weeks and had some spotting so took a leftover test to reassure myself, yeah... so went to the er where it was confirmed. i didnt have a d+c since it was so early on and barely spotted for a few days. then passed everything the next time i had my cycle. so it happens. i'm glad you were able to have some fun. i had a girl due at the same time that i worked directly with so i can sympathize. it sucks. as for trying again everything i've read says you dont have to wait. most doctors recommend waiting for emotional/mental matters than physical. i'll be keeping you in my thoughts. good luck

Joy@WDDCH said...

It varies for everyone when they get a period after a loss. It took me 8 weeks (longer than usual). The average is 4-6 weeks.

I had two miscarriages. After the first miscarriage in 2006 and 2 long months of waiting for that period, I finally got it. The month after I had my positive pregnancy test. My healthy, perfect daughter is 2 years old and upstairs snoozing.

My second miscarriage was November '08. Again, took 8 weeks to get a period. I decided to stop trying for a baby and focus on weight loss. BAM! Got pregnant AGAIN, right after that first period. I'm currently almost 34 weeks.

There is hope after a loss. One loss doesn't mean you will have another (my second was due to low progesterone, not a genetic anomaly). *HUGS* Hang in there, focus on your running, and praying for good things to come your way!

LauraT said...

It does get easier. When you lay down to sleep and your emotions start up, perhaps thanking God for all the good things of the day might help? And remembering that He is close to those who are crushed in spirit and brokenhearted. My prayers and my heart go out to you.

Taking Heart said...

One thing I wasn't prepared for after my d&c was such a HEAVY... lose your liver... kind of period. My ob told me this was normal, and she wanted me to wait three periods, including that one to try again to be on the safe side. I know plenty of others who didn't and were fine, but I waited because I didn't want to experience a loss again.

Glad you are running, praying it is therapeutic for you.

Laura Jane said...

Thinking of you, enjoy the running.

And thanks for the link to the Spirit Babies story. Isn't it the most amazing story? I am always really moved by it.

Hope your holding pattern spirit baby is getting cuts in the line.


A Lupie Momma said...

My ob told me to wait 3 periods, I told him no way. Of course I didn't listen. I did get pregnant immediately, but it was a chemical pregnancy (d&c was 2/22/08, chemical was 4/30/08) Then I got pregnant with Cate with NO period. I knew when I O'd because of OPKs. I got pregnant with Cate on 5/24/08. I got pregnant so fast my ob's nurse did not believe me and went and pulled my ob out of an exam room to authorize a blood test for HCG and progesterone. Sure enough, first test came back at 35. Definitely pregnant. I also had very very low progesterone at 6.8. I should have miscarried Cate. I got on progesterone immediately, and now she is an almost 8 mos old.

Even though we have Cate, it does not take away the baby that we lost. We wish that we could have both of them. We remember that baby (we named him Peyton) on his date of death (2/21/08), due date (8/25/08), and on infant and pregnancy loss day at 7pm on Oct 15th. We light a candle at the grotto at the local catholic school for him on each of these dates.

Anonymous said...

Hi NL,
I've been reading a bunch of your posts on your experience of miscarriage and going back to work. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, hearing that someone has been through something similar is a bit helpful. I've been trying to get pregnant via IUI for a little while, i'm single and 39 y/o and have always wanted to be a mom. Oh, and i'm also a surgical/l&d/postpartum nurse in a community hospital. Finally I had a positive preg test in May - exciting and scary! At 6.5 weeks I had a tiny bit of spotting, and i'd been having left sided pain all along, so was sent for an US to rule out ectopic. They couldn't see a fetal pole or heart flutter. My hcg levels were low, but slowly increasing and I had lost my pregnancy symptoms. I was devastated. I opted to wait another 2 weeks for a follow up ultrasound to be totally sure, but I knew the pregnancy wasn't developing, then last week the US confirmed it, no further growth. I was given the options: wait it out, take misoprostol, or have a d&c. I took the misoprostol last Weds and Thurs. It has caused me severe utering pain, but no bleeding. Dr. told me to return after a few days if nothing happened, but I ended up in ER on Sunday because of the pain, got morphine and toradol and was sent home. Saw the doc yesterday, she offered more misoprostol, I refused. She examined me, cervix remains closed, a bit soft. The (jerk) gynecologist came and said he can't do a d&c until Friday, no big deal since nothing's wrong. When I told him about the pain he told me to take tylenol. Right.
Anyway, i'm waiting it out until Friday for the d&c, trying to manage physically and emotionally. I have been off work for 2 weeks already, thinking i'd be dealing with the physical miscarriage a lot more quickly than this has evolved, and feeling stressed that it's so slow. I'll now be off work for at least another week.
My huge worry is this: I don't know how i'm going to manage going back to work. I truly don't know if I can. It's a small hospital and I have to work with this doc and gynecologist. Most of my coworkers know either I was pregnant or trying, and word will have spread. Every time I see a pregnant woman or a woman with a baby I want to scream and rage. I really don't know if I can go back. I am not a crazy person, although this message may make me sound as if I am, but this situation is making me feel somewhat crazy.
I'm sorry i've vented so much to you, but I did really feel less alone in this situation when I read your posts, and I wanted to let you know that at least. Thank you, and if you have any words of wisdom or advice from one perinatal nurse to another i'd be very happy to hear from you.
Take care.