September 16, 2009

Follow Up Appointment

Yesterday afternoon, I met with Doc for my post-op appointment. I've been somewhat dreading this appointment for a few reasons. One, it was the first time I went into the OB/GYN office for something that wasn't happy. Two, I knew I was going to cry. And three, I was afraid that since I was going in at 4:00pm, that they would be behind schedule and I'd have to sit and wait forever. Thankfully that wasn't the case. They got me in right away. The med. asst starting talking, saying how sorry she was, etc., and that's when I started tearing up. I then had to walk down the hall past a pregnant couple sitting in the chairs waiting for bloodwork. I tried to hide my face because I didn't want them to see me with tears in my eyes. I'm not a graceful crier. Some people just have a few tears that sit in their eyes and their faces don't turn red. Not me. My face turns red, and my eyes get red and puffy. The room I was in, of course, had the sono machine and I thought "that would probably be a bad thing for most people to see after a D&C". It didn't' bother me because, well, I'm exposed to pregnant women and newborns. Doc came in, tears started falling again, but I'm sure she is used to that. I had made a list of questions because I was afraid that I would forget to ask one or two of them, but I managed to remember. I remember her telling me in the OR that I bled quite a bit, and that she had to give me pitocin, methergine and hemabate. I had wondered if that was fairly common. She said that a lot of times, people won't need anything. Sometimes people will need some pitocin, sometimes even methergine but she's never had to give someone hemabate. When she asked for it, the OR nurses didn't know what it was and had to go down to OB to get it. I'm just sooo happy I was a first for that. My fundus was contracting down like it should, but my lower uterine segment was being lazy. She didn't seem concerned about a future pregnancy, but I'm a bit worried that when I get pregnant again, and if I miscarry and need a D&C, that it will happen again. Or that I'll hemorrhage after delivery. But who knows. I could have asked, but I don't know if it was because there was dead tissue in my uterus for 3 weeks, because it was my 4th pregnancy, because I have scar tissue on the lower uterine segment from my c-sections, or just bad luck. I'm not going to worry about it at this point. I also asked about the sono report because the ER doc told me my body had absorbed the baby, but I delivered it in the bathroom before surgery. She read the report and it clearly stated that there was a baby, measuring 8w3d with no cardiac activity, so we couldn't figure out why they told me what they did. Hearing the gestation, I realized that it was about that day that I had started worrying again. Just more proof that a woman knows her body. I wasn't sure what this visit would entail, and I was glad there wasn't any kind of exam or anything, it was just basically a check to see how I was doing and to answer any questions I had. She reassured me that my running didn't cause it and there was no need to not run with a future pregnancy, that it was most likely a chromosomal problem. I knew that, but there's still that part of me that wondered if it might have affected it. She suggested waiting at least one cycle before we try again and to be sure I'm okay emotionally, which we plan to do. We'll see what time will bring.


Taking Heart said...

The baby I lost two years ago had a blood clot in the cord. I remember grasping at every little reason I could to make it my fault somehow.
It's hard, I appreciate your transparancy about your loss because I completely connect with your story... as a nurse... a labor & delivery nurse... who has had a miscarriage.
Miscarriage is not easy for anyone... but throw in some extra knowledge and a bonafide basketcase is born (at least in my case.)
My pastor made a striking comment tonight at church... he said, "no one can comfort a mother whose lost a baby... except another mother who has lost a baby."

May God give you peace of mind... and comfort.

Carrie said...

Glad to hear that everything is okay physically. The emotional aspect of course...well I still feel sad. I'm coming up on the 1 yr anniversary of my 1st loss, and the due date of my 2nd. People keep telling me to just get pregnant again, but I think you definately need to be ready. There's no resting easy after something like this. I hope you find comfort. I like what the previous poster said about comfort from another mother.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I have had three miscarriages, so I know how heartbreaking it can be. But I want you to know that I have four healthy happy children (adults really since the miscarriages were 20, 17 and 5 years ago. I sometimes think about who might have been. I even named my babies and I always remember their "birthdays", even though the doctors would not allow me to bury them (they were all from 8-12 weeks).

Good luck if you decide to try again. I wish you all the happiness in your future.