Back to Work

After finally getting the idiots at Employee Health to get their heads out of their ass, I am able to go back to work tonight. I swear, it shouldn't have been so difficult. I have the release from my OB/GYN to work tonight, but I had to schedule a time to go in and be cleared by employee health, too. I called and left a message on the ride home from the hospital on Thursday. They called back Friday, I told them I had surgery, my doc said I could go back Monday night, and that I needed to get in there to be cleared with them. The nurse scheduled me for this a.m. for the drug screen. It seems funny to me because she said there was a possibility that the drugs they gave me during and after surgery could still be in my system, and if that was the case, they'd have to send it out, and then it would be 3 more days. WTF? I had fentanyl, darvocet, versed, but apparently they don't stay in your system too long because I was fine. I had no idea how long they could be detected because after Clara was born, we had labs done for life insurance 2 weeks after my c-section and the drug screen was positive for opiates. My uncle, our insurance agent, called and asked if I had meds after she was born. Um, yeah, lots of them, morphine, percocet, etc. I was just a bit concerned this time because I just want to get back to work and stop sitting around the house. The main issue that came up is I get there for my appointment and the nurse asked what I need clearance for. I told her I had a D&C, to which she said "Oh, well, if you had surgery, you need to be seen by the doctor and he's not here on Mondays". I was pissed. I told her that was why I called last week and told them I had surgery and wanted to be cleared to work Monday. She just said sorry, and rescheduled me for tomorrow a.m. I called one of my charge nurses, told her, she talked to my director who then called EH. 15 minutes later, the EH nurse calls me and says that her boss told her if my drug screen was ok, I could work tonight and see the doc tomorrow. So I drive back, pee in the cup, and I can work tonight. It was a huge pain in the ass. Now I just have to get through this first shift. I checked the schedule and none of the pregnant nurses are working tonight, so that's good. I'll have to see them at some point, but I'm hoping if I can get through this first shift, each one will be a little easier. But, I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

What to say to someone who experiences a loss

I copied and pasted this. I was browsing a couple miscarriage/pregnancy loss boards and came across this, and thought that this was excellent.

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

A Humble Thanks

It's amazing how supportive people can be in a time of loss. I am humbled by the outreach of family, friends, coworkers, and readers. I can't say how much it has meant to me. I've had so many comments of support, and offers of resources I can use to help me through this time. Just a simple "I'm sorry" has meant the world. The pre-op nurse worked to get me comfortable ASAP, my doctor said the most reassuring words she could. My sister made a huge sacrifice and cancelled her appointments for the end of this past week and called to tell me "I'm coming, it's not a questions, just letting you know". She was there to help calm my nerves about the surgery, and my irrational fears about general anesthesia. She spoke up for me when my dumb ass rated my pain "a 6" when I got to same day surgery because she knows how I am with rating my pain, usually downplaying how bad it is. She sat with poor Husband who isn't as comfortable in a hospital as we are, because he doesn't work in healthcare, and helped keep him calm as he waited much longer for me to get out of surgery than they had originally thought it would take. And to listen to him in his grief. And so much more than I can say right now. She'll continue to listen to me talk about my grief, and listen as we try to figure out when we should try again. And my SIL, who isn't always so good about saying helpful things, actually, she's pretty good about saying exactly the WRONG things, was a huge help. She tended to the kids, cooked meals, and cleaned my house for me. And she knew exactly what to say. I mean, she lost her baby at 39 weeks, so she knows what it means to lose a baby, more so than I. My parents have also been great. They have called to check on me, Mom I know was tormented the whole time I was in surgery, torn because she had to work, but wanted to be there at the hospital, even though there wasn't anything she could do. But she's my mom, so I can only imagine what it was like for her, not only grieving for the grandchild she'll never hold, but wanting to comfort HER child. My Dad, the strong, silent type, called many times, just to see how I was and was reassuring when he caught me Tuesday night mid-sob. The cards from my co-workers, Husband's boss, and all the kind words from people who have never had to suffer a loss, and those who know have been uplifting. Husband has also been my rock, tending to my needs, when I know he, too, is hurting. He left right away when I told him I was bleeding, he held my hand when they did the bullshit testing in ER, he held me as I cried when the ER doc finally told me what I already knew. He tried to be strong although he felt helpless as I labored with a baby that was gone for 3 weeks. And he's held me several times, and as I cried myself to sleep last night, I'm sure a tear or two escaped his eyes silently while he comforted me. It was his loss, too. I'll never, ever be able to express my thanks to everyone. So here's my humble Thanks. Thanks again.

Worst Week Ever

This is probably going to be a long, very detailed, kinda graphic post, so you have been warned.

I have to say that this has been the worst week of my entire life. I honestly don't think anything else tops this. Nope, nothing. Like I said, I woke up Tuesday afternoon bleeding. That night at work I was kinda freaking out, I just felt like something was wrong, couldn't explain why, but I just felt like something wasn't right. So we went to ER after the bleeding, empty sac, no baby, negative urine pregnancy test, call office on Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, my OB calls me, asking how things were going, if I was cramping, bleeding, etc. She read the reports from the sono and asked me if I wanted to go ahead with a D&C or wait. She said she'd give me until Monday, but that the sono showed that the baby stopped developing around 8 weeks, and that it had been almost 3 weeks already and I was only bleeding a little, with very little cramping. I opted to schedule a D&C. Hearing that it had been about 3 weeks hurt. For 3 weeks, my baby was dead and I didn't know. We scheduled it for 11:30 on Thursday. My SIL and sister both came down to help with the kids and my sister was going to come to the hospital and sit with Husband, and to help calm my nerves. I had a phobia about general anesthesia. Anyway, doc said that if things did start on their own, the cramping would be pretty severe and I'd bleed heavily. But, I didn't think that would happen. 3:15 am, I wake up with horrible cramps. They progressively get worse until they started coming like labor contractions. I had no idea it would be like that. I started passing small bits of tissue. It was horrible pain, and horrible thinking that this "tissue" would have been my child. At 7AM, I can no longer talk through the contractions, so I call the office and they said I could go ahead and go in as scheduled, or I could cancel the D&C and let nature continue on. But they said it could last for days and I still might need a D&C to get all of the tissue. I opted to go ahead with the surgery, I couldn't stand the thought of days of that. It was horrible pain. I didn't hurt that bad laboring with Jacob. We get to the hospital and the pain suddenly went from every 2-4 minutes to constant pain with worsening cramping every couple minutes. I freaked the pre-op nurse a bit I think, because typically patients aren't cramping like I was right before their D&C. I went into the bathroom to change, and while I was in there, I noticed that I had passed more tissue, and that the pad I was wearing was wet with yellow fluid. I sat down, felt more tissue fall, but when I looked into the toilet, I was staring at my baby. The fluid was probably the small amount of amniotic fluid. The ER doc told me there wasn't a baby in there, it had been absorbed. They were wrong. So wrong. It looked like a 8-9 week fetus/embryo, whatever the technical term is. My baby. I wasn't sure what to do, and I was still hurting like I had been. I considered my options: I could call for the nurse and she may or may not fish it out and it could be sent for genetic testing, or I could say goodbye and flush. I chose number 2. It doesn't really matter the reason for it, my baby died at 8-9 weeks gestation and that's that. So I got back to the cart, they loaded me with fentanyl, which helped with the pain, although it was still uncomfortable, and Doc came in to see me. I told her about passing the baby, but she said there was probably still tissue there since I was that far along, and I was still having contractions. They gave me some versed, per my request because I had this huge fear over the general anesthesia. I think just seeing people going under and waking up freaked me out, but they reassured me, and said the versed would help. It didn't. They took me back ahead of schedule, I was still anxious, but before I knew it, I was waking up. I shouldn't have been so worked up, but I'd never been put under before. There was still quite a bit of tissue in the uterus and a good amount in the cervical os. Turns out I bled pretty heavily, and had to have methergine and hemabate to stop the bleeding. I'm also taking it three times a day for the next 3 days. Maybe that's typical, but I really don't know much about losses this early. Working L&D, we don't see people until they are 20 weeks, the earliest fetal demise I've seen is 17 weeks. Anyway, in recovery, it finally hit me what had happened, emotionally speaking. Got more drugs in recovery,the cramping was god-awful but nothing compared to what I had before, couldn't have the normally scheduled toradol because I bled too much so I had more fentanyl, which made me itch, given Benadryl for the itching, had to stay for an extra bag of pitocin, and shed a couple tears when they handed me a grief packet that I have handed out to patients numerous times. I never wanted to be on the receiving end, and I was quite naive, thinking I probably never would be. I'm okay most of the time, but then out of nowhere something gets to me, and I know I'll have that, probably forever. I feel that not only did I have to suffer this loss, and have surgery to remove all the tissue, but I had to labor for 7 hours before that, in pain worse than the pain I felt while laboring with Jacob. On top of the guilt I have for initially not wanting the pregnancy and all that I confessed to when we found out. I hate that I will always have that memory seeing my 8-9 week gestation baby in the toilet, but I feel somewhat better knowing its body passed out on it's own, that it wasn't removed during the D&C, as morbid as that sounds. I'm not quite as angry with God, but I'm still struggling with understanding why. I know I'm not supposed to know, and that He knows what He's doing, it's just hard to be on this end, hurting and not seeing the big picture. I feel a bit empty. I had thought I was pregnant with a live baby Monday morning, and now my uterus is empty, cramping. But, I knew deep down something wasn't right, I just hoped it was my paranoia over nothing, like my fear of general anesthesia. Women are smart when it comes to their bodies. There will be no baby this March. And Monday night, I return to work where there are 4 other nurses pregnant, due in Feb/March. I'll be okay taking care of pregnant, laboring moms. It will be watching my co-workers abdomens swell with baby, when mine is now empty. That will be the hardest part. I'm glad for them, but sorry for myself and the child I'll never hold. We've decided at some point, probably sooner that later, we'll try again for another baby. We had our hearts ready for 4 children running around the house. We wanted this child that God took home with Him. But right now, we are healing. And life goes on in our house, Jacob has football games, Clara has songs to sing, and Isaiah has hugs to give. We are blessed with 3 healthy, beautiful children here with us, and as my SIL(who lost her baby at 39 weeks) said "now Mirabel has a cousin to play with, and you guys have your own child angel in Heaven, watching over you".

I Thought Of You

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby this we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?
“ Yes, you can ” He replied with confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.”
I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say"
"We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
"Mommy don’t be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm Here".
"So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK.
Your baby is here in My home and this where she'll stay.
She'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home she'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

:(

They say mothers know. And I did. I've been uneasy since the moment I had a bfp. This weekend, I really didn't feel sick anymore, and I didn't feel pregnant either. Woke up this afternoon and found I was bleeding. Sono done: missed abortion. Empty sac. We're heartbroken right now, and I'm angry. Angry that we didn't plan to get pregnant, but we warmed to the idea, were very excited, saw a heartbeat twice, and we were hopeful. Figured God decided we needed to have this child. Then He changed his mind, it was taken away. Just gone. I know He has a plan, but right now, I don't like His plan. Right as I started telling people, it probably had stopped developing. I know there are millions of women who have miscarriages everyday and never have any children, and I have 3 healthy children here at home. And, blah, blah, there's all that BS "It's natures way of fixing a mistake", "It wasn't meant to be", yada yada. I don't give a damn about any of that. Now I really know how unhelpful those comments are. I didn't want to be one of those women who had a loss, however early it was. I don't want to "try again". I wanted this baby. I never wanted to know this feeling. But I knew, I just didn't want to believe my gut. So I have a lot of feelings to sort through, I'm off work for a week, waiting to see if the rest of the tissue passes on it's own. This sucks. I'll work through all of these sucky emotions in due time. But for now, I'm heartbroken, pissed, and emotionally drained.

A great 5K

My 5K race this past Saturday went very well. The weather cooperated and it was perfect day for a run. It was a very early start to the day: 5AM to be exact, and when I was getting up out of bed to get ready for the 7AM start, I wondered why in the world I was up before the sun to go run? This was originally the day I had planned on doing my first half marathon, but because of the pregnancy, I just did the 5K. My friend, who I should mention does body building, regularly gets up at 4AM to do cardio, teaches classes at the local gym, etc., decided to go ahead and do the half marathon. The temperature was only in the high 50's/low 60's that morning, so it was a nice cool run. I finished 5th out of 28 in my age category, and 132 overall(out of 350). My time was a personal best of 28:22.7., and my pace was a 9:09min mile. Not too shabby for a pregnant chick! And the run was easier, even though there were a few hills on this circuit. Around mile 2, I always wonder "why am I doing this, this sucks" but this time, it wasn't near as bad. I think that's true of a lot of runners. My friend, who did the half marathon, finished her 13 miles in just 2 hours with a pace of 8:40min mile! I was amazed! She ran 13 miles at a faster pace than I ran 3! But, like I said she is buff and has actually run the Chicago Marathon before. There's something very satisfying, especially being pregnant and still being able to run. Anyway, I had planned on this being the last race, but I think I might do just one more. There is a 5K here on Sept 19 at 8AM that benefits autism. Since this race went so well, and I have the green light to run until 36 weeks, I may go ahead and make that one my last race. I'll only be 14 weeks, so I may even have more energy at that point. But, even though seeing my times getting better is awesome, it's really just something fun to do. This week though, I have to go buy myself a new pair of shoes. The pair I've been wearing, I hate to admit, are pretty old, the tread is worn down, but they have been pretty comfortable. I need to just go and make the time to get fitted, especially since good shoes are key for running, especially if I plan on running as long as I can while pregnant.

10 Weeks

Man it seems like I've been pregnant longer than that, but apparently I had a positive test after I'd been pregnant, oh, about 30 seconds. But anyway, here I am at 10 weeks. One fourth down, 3/4 to go!

Wt gain/loss: -2 lbs (up 2 lbs from 2 weeks ago though)

S/S: nausea, vomiting although I've not prayed to the porcelain god for the last 2 days, exhaustion, urinary frequency, constipation (Sorry, TMI) and extreme mood swings.

Cravings: Wendy's Frostys, Dairy Queen's Tag-a-long blizzard, rosemary and olive oil Triscuits

Aversions: Diet Coke :( and odors. I have been on this huge kick to rid my house of stink. Apparently I did this with my 3rd pregnancy, but I don't really remember it being this bad. I have thoroughly cleaned the kitchen and back porch and I just bought 8 Snuggle air fresheners for the house. Now the house smells Snuggle Fresh instead of old house musty! I guess it's good that Diet colas upset my stomach because I don't need them, but I don't drink coffee and could really use the caffeine in the morning!

Running: still going strong, with my last 5K race this pregnancy on Saturday. Averaging a 3+ mile run 3-4 days a weeks, depending on weather. I have had to stop and walk now and then when I run, depending on how warm/humid it's been

Not that there is anything really to see yet, but here's another belly shot. I put up the very first one I took, which really was probably only at 5 weeks, just for comparison. So far, my pants still fit fine, just a wee bit tighter.

About 5 weeks:



10 Weeks:

I did have these lined up next to each other fore a better comparison, but for some reason when i published it, it didn't line up right. Oh well. I never claimed to be a computer pro.
I can't see any difference, but I can definitely feel a difference! Maybe just a tad rounder lower now, but I don't know, it could just be my posture. In due time, though, in due time! I remember with Isaiah, by 12 weeks, I had to start using the rubberband trick to be comfortable. This time, I think I'm going to get a BellaBand. I've never used one before but it looks like it might work.

Cats

I am a cat lover. As long as I can remember, there was always a cat around. I actually can't remember a time that we didn't have at least one, usually two. My cat, Audrey and I met in 2000, when I picked her out of a litter of all black kittens. For some reason, she stood out, maybe it was her attitude, but I can't remember. And boy, does she have an attitude! When she was a kitten, she was ferocious with her claws, so I had her front declawed, but then she learned to use her back claws equally well. She slept at the end of my bed every night until Husband and I moved in together. Husband had a cat, Bradley, and Bradley decided that the bed was where he needed to be. This pissed Audrey off, and for a few years, she would refuse to be on the bed. I remember tossing her onto the bed, and she bounced off of it like she was on a trampoline! They now tolerate each other and even get along sometimes. Other times, he ticks her off and she hisses and runs away. I can empathize with her! She'll let you pet her on her own terms, but won't actually sit on your lap. Maybe next to you, but never on you. I call her Bitch-cat because of her attitude. She has mellowed some over the years but she's still a bitch-cat. In her younger years, she would have been a great bird cat she was so wicked and fast. Now that she's older, she quite large and doesn't like to jump much higher than the bed or couch. You can tell that she is truly my cat. We have an understanding: I feed, water, brush her and clean her litter box (well, that's is now delegated to Husband) and she allows me to live here and pet her from time to time. Cats are funny creatures. As much of an attitude that she has, she has always been around as a "protector" while I am pregnant. I noticed it when I was pregnant with Jacob. Like I said, she wouldn't sleep on the bed after Husband and I moved in together for years. Until I got pregnant with Jacob. She then started sleeping on the bed next to me every night, and it started very early in the pregnancy, before I even knew I was pregnant, and lasted until my last day a pregnant mom. Of course, after we brought Jacob home, she was ticked for awhile that this screaming, squirming small human was around, but she got over it. And she stopped sleeping in bed with me. Until 6 months later, when I was pregnant with Clara. Again, after Clara was born, she stopped, until one night in 2007 I found her on the bed, and I soon found out I would have 3rd child. I should have known something was up this summer when she started sleeping at the end of the bed. When I'd come home from work and sit at the computer, she started sitting there next to me, staring at me, like she was saying "OK, come on, it's time for bed, hurry up". When I get up, she'll lead me up the stairs, jump on the bed and after I am situated, she wants to lay on a pillow (she is high maintenance) and we go to sleep. For some reason, I didn't really think about it. I finally figured out why she was suddenly there in bed every time I went to sleep the night I took the pregnancy test! It's really kinda funny. Bradley doesn't seem to notice, maybe because he's male. A RN I work with who has 2 dogs, one female and one male, just found out she was pregnant and she said her female had been following her around the house over the last 2 weeks, as well as her mom's female dog. It's like they know or sense it somehow. They know we are doing "women's work" and Audrey thinks I need my sleep. It's kinda nice, having a black cat as a protector. I'll enjoy it for the next 30 weeks.

Busy Week

Man has it been busy in the world of childbirth around here. I know I've said this before but sometimes I wonder where all the pregnant, term moms are coming from! And the surprising thing: most of the patients that have come in have gone into labor on their own (as opposed to an induction) and the inductions actually are medical and are ready! Yeah, can you believe that!?! Women are laboring faster, easier, and we're seeing more 39-42 week moms. So yeah, we've seen more meconium stained fluid, but it's just because the babies are actually coming when they are ready. You see more meconium at term. There has also been a huge increase in the number of moms who are delivering without pain meds or an epidural. Last week, I took a call from a doula who was laboring with a mom at home, a multip, and she called to let me know they were heading in . The mom wanted to labor and deliver in the tub, and with her last baby, she came in at 9cm and went too quickly to do that. She assured me she was in a much earlier stage of labor, and I heard the mom in the background attest to that. Twenty minutes later, I come out of the bathroom after emptying my stomach of it's contents, and the secretary tells me "that patient is here, nurse so and so and whats her name are in with her". Okay, let me explain first that there were 4 labor nurses for 4 patients, 2 of which were delivered. So I figure, I'll go see if they need any help, setting up for delivery, IV access, getting the tub ready, whatever. I open the door and one nurse sees me and pretty much runs out of the room mumbling that she had to do something. The other RN says "Are you ok with this?" I'm wondering WTF? You guys already checked her cervix and found that she was very close to delivery. Why do you want me to take over? She tries to leave and I notice mom is grunting and lookie-there, theres some baby hair. So I put on some sterile gloves and prepare to catch. The midwife was on her way, but there was no way she was going to get there. I tell the other nurse to stay to make sure the baby didn't need resuscitation and this RN and the tech start yelling at the mom "Don't push! Don't push!" Can I just say I HATE when people do this. The baby is crowning, the midwife has no chance of getting there, so lets torture this poor woman. I tell women that if they can refrain from pushing, then their doc/midwife will make it, but if she can't then that's fine with me. If they are moving that quickly that I can't get a doc/MW there(which usually I can), there's not stopping it. So I tell her "You do what you have to do. All we're waiting on is the midwife and if you don't care that she's not here, then I don't care". The mom said "So that's all we're waiting on, F-this!" She pushes and delivers her baby easily into my hands. I gave the screaming baby to mom who does skin to skin and immediately latches onto the breast. Mom was on the unit for less than 5 minutes. No IV access, no monitoring, no nothing. Just good old childbirth. Afterwards, I realized I had had a first: this was the first delivery I caught that I didn't have any apprehension about. In the past, there's always been just a little nervousness about whether the shoulders were going to come out, and that I was the one doing the delivery, not the doc or midwife, etc. Not that time. It was just a mom delivering her baby, and I just had to help the baby onto her chest. I guess I don't know exactly how to explain it, but any other seasoned labor nurse probably knows what I mean. It hasn't become routine, but it is just something that happens and that all I had to do was be there to guide the baby out. I realized then that the other 2 RN's who ran out of the room just didn't want to be the one to "catch". They really are good nurses, but with only 2 years experience, haven't had a 'precip' delivery too often. Not that I'm a seasoned pro, but you know what I mean.

Later that morning, I admitted another patient who was supposed to be coming in at 3AM for antibiotic treatment for positive beta strep and would then have her water broken to induce labor for a macrosomic baby. When she came in, she immediately recognized me as I took care of her with her first baby. Her first was a long labor. I admitted her at the end of my shift and when I came back that night, I did her delivery at about 2AM. She had the most awesome doula that I've ever worked with and mom did fabulous. At that time she had a horrible doctor (who is no longer practicing) who kept badgering her to get an epidural. Mom had gone over her birthplan with her doc, who in the office okay'd it. She wanted to be able to squat to deliver but when the time came, this doc came in, saw mom standing on the bed, using the birthing bar, looked at me and asked "How the hell am I supposed to deliver this baby?" I kinda laughed, which irritated the doc, but I really thought she was joking, I mean, she was the physician! The doula then said "Well, mom is going to push, the baby is going to come out, you'll put your hands between her legs, catch the baby, hand her to mom and we'll have a baby". I about wet myself when she said that! But, in the end, doc made her deliver on her back. This time her labor was only 4 hours. She was 10cm when she came in, she had the same awesome doula, and a much more patient doctor. And she delivered a 10+ baby, squatting, like she had wanted. What was funny is mom, dad and her doula had remembered me and seemed to be thrilled I was there for this one also. As I was leaving at the end of the shift, I went to tell her good-bye and they said the next time they'll have to check to make sure I'm working because now it had to be a tradition that I was there. So it's been a busy week or two, which has been more challenging between my running to the bathroom to pray to the porcelin god, but I'm up for it.

Festival 5K

Saturday a.m. I ran another 5K race. The day turned out to be a blazing 90+ degrees with high humidity. But, luckily that morning, it was overcast, and a cool 68 degrees. Not to worry, I wouldn't have my butt out running in temps of 90's with high humidity, pregnant or not. It went pretty well. I finished 98th overall out of 240 and placed 5th in my age division. Again, I'm not very fast, but I'm pretty happy with the results. I ran it in 29min, 33.5 secs, which I believe is just a few seconds faster than the last 5K. And the night before, we stayed with my BIL and SIL in their new house, and Isaiah didn't sleep. It was the combo I think of a house he'd never been in, he was sleeping in a small pack-n-play (which he doesn't do well in ) and he was sleeping in the same room just inches from Husband and I. He was up most of the night. Longest stretch of sleep was 1 1/2 hours. So I drug my butt out of bed to run a race nauseated because of the pregnancy and going on very little sleep. At about mile 2, I started wondering "Why, oh why did you want to do this?" But, then once I saw the kids cheering me on and I crossed the finish line, it was very satisfying. It would have been anyway, but even more so because I am 8 weeks pregnant. I plan on only one more race in two weeks, and then I'm going to retire my racing shoes for awhile. I will still run leisurely as my body/pregnancy allows, but no more competitive runs after August 22.

Mind ramblings

Tuesday morning I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. to make sure all is well with the new little bean. So far so good, and I feel a little more relaxed. Still looking at an EDD of 3-19-10 and a nice heart rate of 169. I feel much better. Well, about the pregnancy progressing anyway. I have been nauseated 24 hours a day for the last 4 days. Sucks. Sucks bad. I've lost 4 lbs in less than 2 weeks, and I know it's only going to get worse. When I was pregnant the first time, I didn't have day of nausea. Very, very little with Clara. Of course. Why couldn't I have been sickest when I was pregnant, with no other children needing me? I did get script for Zofran, but apparently my insurance company is a big group of a*#holes, because they keep requiring a physician verification before they will pay for it. I don't understand this because the doc wrote it, her signature is on it. Why in the world do they need an additional verification? Very frustrating. So here I sit, 2 days later, nauseated, vomiting and awaiting the insurance bigwigs to decide it's okay for me to have an antiemetic. I do believe it would be cheaper to pay for that than to pay for an outpatient visit for IV fluids and IV antiemetics. Ugh. Damn insurance.

This Saturday I have a 5K race in Husbands hometown. I'm not quite sure how well that is going to go. I have been running, despite the nausea and exhaustion, and actually I feel a bit better after a run. Depending on how this Saturday goes, I may decide to not run the race I had planned 8-22. We'll see.

Other than that, things are pretty busy around here. I got Jacob registered for 1st grade, and he started flag football yesterday. This is the first year for flag football, so they are still trying to line up games for the kids. They have one Saturday afternoon game so far. The first practice was yesterday and they just went over the rules and ran around. I can't wait to watch all these little 6 and 7 year olds playing football! We are also working on finishing up a few minor house projects. We bought the rest of the materials we need to finish our deck, I checked out textured paint to repaint under the chair rail (where we used to have wallpaper). I also have to plaster over some ductwork in our little bathroom. The kids were having such a good time helping me remove the wallpaper in the living room and toy room, they decided to start on the bathroom. I had painted over the hideous ivy wallpaper that was there, and a friends son had peeled off a small piece a year or so ago, so they had no problem starting in. I hadn't planned on repainting, but the bathroom really is the size of a closet and we rarely use it. I decided "Well, I guess I'll remove this wallpaper and repaint". In the process, I pealed off the mesh tape and layers of wallpaper that covered the ductwork running upstairs. *Sigh* Thankfully, it won't be too hard to fix. I highly doubt that all this will actually get done anytime real soon, considering all I want to do most days is lie on the couch and sleep!