Pregnancy #5/Hoping to hold child #4

So I guess that really, it isn't a secret since I posted in the blog world. As far as "real" life, it is. Only Husband and I know, and we are very happy. Ok, so I had to tell my sister and Doc's office knows, but they don't count and beyond that, no one has been told. We're a little leary to say too much because of what happened last time. I have my first appt March 18 and they will do a viability US at that point. I'm am scared to death to go and there not be a heartbeat. I'll be 9 weeks at that point - farther than when the last pregnancy stopped developing at 8w3d. In my mind, I'm hoping that b/c it is farther along, if it isn't viable we just won't see a heartbeat, instead of last time, having 2 USs done and seeing a heartbeat, and then not. We'll see. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm terrified of seeing blood b/c that's how it started last time. Every cramp I feel has me worried. I never noticed the first trimester cramping with the kids, only noticed it with the m/c so it's very unsettling. But even with that, there is a lot less cramping than last time. This pregnancy does feel different. I haven't been able to really think much farther into the future, I guess trying not to get my hopes up. And I'm really not sick, I've had a bout of nausea here and there, but really not too much. I try to tell myself that I wasn't sick AT ALL with Jacob and maybe just a teeny tiny bit with Clara and they were fine. But the with Isaiah and the m/c, I was sick as a dog, from the very beginning. And nausea in a way is reassuring that things are developing as they should. Not a guarantee, but in my mind it would ease my fear a bit. With the m/c, the nausea went away the weekend before I started bleeding. I am incredibly tired, I'm peeing a lot and I'm more irritable than normal. As with all my pregnancies, I notice smells more and I have begun eradicating my house of foul odors. When are we going to tell family and friends? We are waiting until at least after the viability sono, though we will most likely wait until after the first trimester. I'll have to tell my coworker that I'm doing to New Orleans with and my close friend at work, just so it's not awkward when we go out for drinks and I order Sprite. With the rest of my co-workers, I'm not actually going to "announce". I'm just going to wait until people start whispering "Is she pregnant or is she just eating too many carbs?" But really, when you work in OB and this will be my 4th child/5th pregnancy, it won't be too long before I start to look a bit pudgy, I'll maybe get to 18 weeks, maybe. Obviously at some point I'll have to tell management since I'll have to take a maternity leave, but they don't need to know early on.

The timing is kinda funny. I'm taking my first trip to New Orleans for a work conference in April and now I can't drink. Not a problem, but apparently there is a restaurant/bar down there that makes an absolutely awesome cocktail. Oh well. I was so absolutely certain that I wasn't pregnant that I signed up for the half-marathon I had planned on running May 1st. I guess I won't be running it this year! Which is fine. I am going to continue to run on the treadmill, but no races. I can run a nice easy pace alone, but when I race, I'm too competitive, adrenaline gets pumping and I tend to exert more energy than I intend. And, I know I shouldn't have ever done it, but I did: I looked back and figured out that my first 5K race last pregnancy was when I was 8w3d pregnant - the US showed that the baby stopped developing at 8w3d. Now, no amount of reassurance that it was just a coincidence, that it was just an estimate of gestational age (b/c early sono's are pretty accurate), that I didn't cause it, that running didn't cause it (or help it along) will ever convince me that it was in fact mere coincidence. So no races. My peace of mind couldn't take it if something happened again. I've been running about 3-4 miles like I had been, but it's a nice easy pace, nothing that wears me out. I just want to maintain my pace, and not quit completely God forbid this pregnancy ends as well. The one bad thing about having the sono on March 18 - March 19 was my due date with the m/c. I guess we'll be a bit sad anyway, but it will really suck if this one isn't viable either. I guess only time will tell. Until then, I'm trying to relax, trying to stay positive and enjoy the fact that I'm not puking my guts out in the toilet.

Psst....I got a secret....

Can you keep a secret? Just between us internet friends?

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VERY Cautiously and Tenatively: EDD of 10-22-2010

Labor Support

Every once in awhile I have the rare opportunity to be a labor support. I'm a labor nurse, but that doesn't always mean that I am able to be at the bedside the duration of labor. Most times, laboring moms have designated support people with her that she is comfortable with. I am a stranger. I do my part to help her with contractions, usually by getting the dad involved. I'll show him how to provide counter pressure, efflurage, and generally give mom ideas on what she can do to work with the contractions, not against them. Don't get me wrong, I do spend quality time with patients and provide them support. Usually though, they don't need or want me there every minute.Most of the time I'm just not able to do that as I have other patients to tend to. But sometimes I get to do just that: be at the bedside. My patient had been there for quite sometime laboring. The fetal monitor strip wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't horrible. The evening shift nurse pegged her for a c-section. Her baby was one of those babies that wanted to keep you on your toes. Mom was unable to get an epidural because of a history of back problems. She knew it was a possibility, but hoped that there was a chance it was possible. There wasn't. She was only 4 cm and ruptured when I came back on and starting to get into the full throes of labor. Dad was scared, worried and felt helpless. He wanted to do what a lot of dads want to do: make the pain go away and didn't quite know what to do to help. Once I entered that room at the start of the shift, I didn't leave until she was delivered, but to get our box of goodies: muscle massagers, stress balls, lotion, tennis ball. Mom need Dad there to hold her hand and she needed me there to help her with the contractions. I provided counter pressure with each contraction, she used stress balls to clench, we used the massagers on her back and legs. I encouraged her to move around in bed, to stand, use the ball and to try hands and knees. She initially felt "silly" on her hands and knees but soon realized it was pretty helpful. Finally, she entered transition and she spent 1 hour on the toilet (I was able to monitor her while she was in there, baby looked the best in there!). Being able to sit and have the openness of the toilet helped with the back pain and rectal pressure. Shortly after that hour she returned to the bed, told me she just couldn't do it anymore, she wanted a c-section, and this was the worst thing she's ever done. I knew then she was probably ready to push. About that time, she made that earthy grunt as her abdominal muscles clenched to push the baby out. Yep, complete. If you look at a mothers belly when her body starts pushing down, you can see it happnening. She didn't push too long, and delivered a healthy baby. After it was all said and done, she looked at me and said "That was interesting". I had read in one of my midwife memoirs a story about a woman who called birth "interesting". I was just surprised to hear her say those exact words. She said it wasn't too bad and that it was what she expected in some ways, but not in others. She was glad and proud she had done it. As for me, I felt like I was a "real" labor support. She delivered that baby after a long labor, Dad cried, and Mom was proud of her ability to give birth. The greatest thanks came when out at the desk, Dad came out and thanked me for my support to her, and to him, and when Mom said she couldn't have done it without me. Well, she could have, but I'll take it. I left work satisfied, tired, but happy.

Like a professional...

I realized this a.m. at work that I maybe need a break from my much loved small children. I was getting ready to start an IV on the scheduled 7am C-section patient, and I was at the desk waiting on her to change and use the bathroom. It's about 5:45 a.m at the end of a chaotic 12 hour shift. The chaos was winding down, but everyone's brain was fried, and patience was worn thin. I had the IV bag of Lactated Ringers in my hands. Now our IV bags have 2 access port in the bottom, one for the tubing and one for adding meds. I had my hand on the top part of the bag, holding it upright on the desk. I don't know what came over me, but I drew a smiling face on the bag, started walking the IV bag down the desk toward the secretary, moving the top part of the bag like a puppet head, with the small access ports as the legs, singing "Suzie Snowflake". Not the most brilliant moment in my career. She and the other nurse at the desk looked at me like I was crazy and almost peed their pants laughing. Yeah, my maturity level at the time was probably around a 6year olds, but it was the comic relief we needed. I then realized that my 4 day/3 night trip to New Orleans in April will be a very good thing for me. Very good indeed.

And it is done...

I am now officially registered for my first half-marathon on May 1st!

I started training yesterday, ran 5 miles and it wasn't too painful. A bit boring running that long on a treadmill, but not too bad. My left knee is aching a bit today, so I'm going to get glucosamine and chondroitin...I've heard many runners say they use it and it works wonders. I realized last night coming home that when I do my long 13 mile run before the actual race, it will be like running home from work! Wow, that made it seem like a long way to run!

Training for the Half Marathon

This past week or so, I've been considering training for that half-marathon I've talked about doing and have wanted to do for a long time. I was chatting with a running buddy on facebook this a.m., and she ran a half-marathon last August while I did a 5K instead (at the time I was still pregnant, with a non-viable pregnancy at the time but I was unaware). This isn't my buff friend, but at that race, I met up with an old acquaintance who runs and we've chatted about running since. My 5K time is better than hers, but she can run 4 times as far as I can. There is a half coming up May 1st and she suggested a half-marathon training program that she is going to use. It's actually one you do on a treadmill, which is good, since that's where I'll be doing most of my running. Running outside is a bit different than running on a treadmill, so I'm hoping since this is one designed for training on the treadmill in order to run a road race, that it will work. It doesn't look too bad and it's a 12 week program. And I can start at week 3 because I've been running 5K (3.1 miles) pretty easily every time I run. So we'll see if I can keep myself motivated and push myself to keep running. I will have to adjust my pace because there's no way I can run 13 miles at my 5K pace. I know I won't be running fast or winning any race, but to just be able to do it would be awesome. There is always the chance that I'll have to put my training on hold should I get pregnant before then (since we're not using any form of birth control), but I will continue to run as I'm able. I had said at one point that if/when I do get pregnant again that I would stop running, but as time has gone on, I realize with my head and heart that running didn't cause the miscarriage. That was the hard part, convincing my heart that I didn't cause it. In my mind I understood that, but it's harder to convince the heart. Should pregnancy occur, I'll won't be hanging up my running shoes. So it's on with half-marathon training and a 4 mile run today. Wish me luck!

Baby Bath

One of the things that I like to do is the newborn bath. I'm not able to do it often because frequently I have another patient (or two or three), but it's something that I enjoy. I'm not talking about bathing the baby in the warmer with a basin and wash rags while it cries. I like to actually put the baby in a bath, or give a Leboyer bath. The nursery nurses about have a fit, thinking that it's "gross" to put the infant in a baby bathtub, and they worry about the cord. The kid came out of a fluid environment and it won't hurt the cord one bit by being in the water. After the bath, we apply triple dye to dry it up and keep it clean, so no harm done. And the babies love it. They aren't cold and I like to think that they feel a bit better by being back in water for awhile, kind of a way to ease into the world. I usually get the dads involved. I show them that all they need to do is support their child's head so it's above water and they will just float and kick around. Moms seem to enjoy resting a bit and watching their partner ever so gently give the baby it's first bath. Afterwards, the baby is still warm from the bath, and can be placed under the warmer for a bit while I give the baby meds (vit K, triple dye, ilotycin) and get mom to the bathroom and cleaned up herself. By the time mom is ready, the baby is nice and warm and can go with them to post-partum, bypassing time in the nursery completely. No separation from the parents for the bath, no screaming chilled baby, and the dad can take an active role in caring for the baby.

Random tidbits

I signed up for a gym membership in January and I'm pleased to say that I'm actually going! It's way to cold for my taste to go outside and run. That's the main reason I signed up, for the treadmills. Thankfully, it hasn't taken me long to get back up to my 5K pace I ran last June. I know once I get back outside, that pace will be slower just because it's easier to run on a treadmill, but I'm pleased. I think lifting weights has helped to. I haven't seen any change in my weight, but I'm getting more tone to my arms and legs.

We FINALLY replaced our plumbing. Since we bought this house, we've been battling plumbing issues and had several plumbers out to give us estimates on how much it would cost to replace it. We live in an old house - built 1800's old. The plumbing is the old cast iron tile under the house and throughout most of the house, there is some PVC. One of the pipes was corroded and about to burst, and it drained my kitchen sink, washer and dishwasher. The tile under the house that the pipe drained into was cracked and had roots. So to replace this would have cost thousands of dollars, if we tore up the foundation, which we really didn't want to do for many reasons. So we've been saving, putting it off until we realized we couldn't wait anymore. I was sitting at the computer, waiting on laundry when I heard water hitting the basement floor. (Not a finished basement) I go down the stairs, knowing it wouldn't be good. The washer was draining and water was shooting out small holes in the corroded cast iron pipe. I was less than thrilled. So we start looking to see if there was anything we could do until we got a plumber out there. After looking, we realized we did not have to tear into the foundation at all, and that we could probably do it ourselves. We ran new PVC up under the subfloor in the basement and tied it into some existing PVC and completely bypassed the bad tile. Not sure why the plumbers didn't see that option, but oh well. We did it ourselves and we now have brand new plumbing for less than $100, no foundation ripping, and we know can do some plumbing. I'm very happy.

A coworker and I are hoping to be able to go to a conference in New Orleans to see Michelle Murray speak on fetal monitoring and ways to optimize labor and birth. I've never seen her before, but my coworker has seen her several times and said she is wonderful. A bonus is getting to go to New Orleans. I've never really traveled, never been on a plane and never seen the ocean. So this will be awesome for me. I will probably need a sedative to get on the plane, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes. Hopefully Hospital will pay for the conference. We'll have to pay for airfare and the hotel, but it won't be too bad if we book a flight early.

Ah, we are in the midst of the wonderful 2's. There are times I wonder why I even bother. Why do I put food in front of him at lunch, because he never eats it, just throws it on the floor? I wonder why I bother with the gates to keep him out of the kitchen and from going upstairs, because he will scale those suckers with no problems at all. He doesn't like to sleep all night, is up at least 2 times after we put him to bed. He doesn't say too much, although it is getting better, but he sure can say "No, Mommy!" clear as a bell. I'm not a pusher of the potty training, because I feel that when kids are ready, they'll potty train and not before. But Isaiah will say "peepee" and I try to sit him on the toilet, only to realize he just wants to throw toilet paper between his legs or he wants to stand and pee. There are tantrums, tackles, milk spitting and swinging at me when I tell him to stop putting cat food in their water dish. It's probably that selective memory God gave mothers, but I don't think The older two were this difficult, and they were both in this lovely stage together. Yes, he has been more challenging since conception (first bout of morning sickness, preterm labor, being unable to walk more than 2 steps without my uterus contracting, mastitis, etc). But he is one cute little guy and can be awfully sweet when he thinks no one is looking. He gives kisses, likes to play "My Mommy" where he clings to my leg as Daddy or his sibs say "my mommy". I know this stage will pass and before I know it, he'll be off to school, will continue to argue with me, but won't want to get up and will eat me out of house and home!