Pregnancy #5/Hoping to hold child #4

So I guess that really, it isn't a secret since I posted in the blog world. As far as "real" life, it is. Only Husband and I know, and we are very happy. Ok, so I had to tell my sister and Doc's office knows, but they don't count and beyond that, no one has been told. We're a little leary to say too much because of what happened last time. I have my first appt March 18 and they will do a viability US at that point. I'm am scared to death to go and there not be a heartbeat. I'll be 9 weeks at that point - farther than when the last pregnancy stopped developing at 8w3d. In my mind, I'm hoping that b/c it is farther along, if it isn't viable we just won't see a heartbeat, instead of last time, having 2 USs done and seeing a heartbeat, and then not. We'll see. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm terrified of seeing blood b/c that's how it started last time. Every cramp I feel has me worried. I never noticed the first trimester cramping with the kids, only noticed it with the m/c so it's very unsettling. But even with that, there is a lot less cramping than last time. This pregnancy does feel different. I haven't been able to really think much farther into the future, I guess trying not to get my hopes up. And I'm really not sick, I've had a bout of nausea here and there, but really not too much. I try to tell myself that I wasn't sick AT ALL with Jacob and maybe just a teeny tiny bit with Clara and they were fine. But the with Isaiah and the m/c, I was sick as a dog, from the very beginning. And nausea in a way is reassuring that things are developing as they should. Not a guarantee, but in my mind it would ease my fear a bit. With the m/c, the nausea went away the weekend before I started bleeding. I am incredibly tired, I'm peeing a lot and I'm more irritable than normal. As with all my pregnancies, I notice smells more and I have begun eradicating my house of foul odors. When are we going to tell family and friends? We are waiting until at least after the viability sono, though we will most likely wait until after the first trimester. I'll have to tell my coworker that I'm doing to New Orleans with and my close friend at work, just so it's not awkward when we go out for drinks and I order Sprite. With the rest of my co-workers, I'm not actually going to "announce". I'm just going to wait until people start whispering "Is she pregnant or is she just eating too many carbs?" But really, when you work in OB and this will be my 4th child/5th pregnancy, it won't be too long before I start to look a bit pudgy, I'll maybe get to 18 weeks, maybe. Obviously at some point I'll have to tell management since I'll have to take a maternity leave, but they don't need to know early on.

The timing is kinda funny. I'm taking my first trip to New Orleans for a work conference in April and now I can't drink. Not a problem, but apparently there is a restaurant/bar down there that makes an absolutely awesome cocktail. Oh well. I was so absolutely certain that I wasn't pregnant that I signed up for the half-marathon I had planned on running May 1st. I guess I won't be running it this year! Which is fine. I am going to continue to run on the treadmill, but no races. I can run a nice easy pace alone, but when I race, I'm too competitive, adrenaline gets pumping and I tend to exert more energy than I intend. And, I know I shouldn't have ever done it, but I did: I looked back and figured out that my first 5K race last pregnancy was when I was 8w3d pregnant - the US showed that the baby stopped developing at 8w3d. Now, no amount of reassurance that it was just a coincidence, that it was just an estimate of gestational age (b/c early sono's are pretty accurate), that I didn't cause it, that running didn't cause it (or help it along) will ever convince me that it was in fact mere coincidence. So no races. My peace of mind couldn't take it if something happened again. I've been running about 3-4 miles like I had been, but it's a nice easy pace, nothing that wears me out. I just want to maintain my pace, and not quit completely God forbid this pregnancy ends as well. The one bad thing about having the sono on March 18 - March 19 was my due date with the m/c. I guess we'll be a bit sad anyway, but it will really suck if this one isn't viable either. I guess only time will tell. Until then, I'm trying to relax, trying to stay positive and enjoy the fact that I'm not puking my guts out in the toilet.