Shock, horror and utter disbelief

So about a year ago, I read a couple articles about a mother who passed out in her bathtub after drinking 36 beers in a 24 hour period. She also had her 11-month old daughter in the bathtub with her. The grandmother found her daughter and granddaughter in the tub, the mother passed out and the infant unresponsive. The baby died and the mother was charged. She is to go to trial this March. I remember thinking "My God, 36 cans of beer is a lot of beer for one person to drink and how could she with baby?" This morning, I thought I would try to find an obituary online for my friends child who died a year ago. Turns out that she is that mother I read about who was charged for involuntary manslaughter after drinking 36 beers and is going to court. I. cant. believe. it. I'm speechless, stunned and in complete shock. It doesn't seem like this could possibly be reality.

One more rant

Man, I must just be grumpy today, hormonal, or something. Well, I started this blog as a place to vent, and vent I shall. I promise I'll be more positive next time I post :)I went and picked up the kids from daycare after a pretty lousy sleep today. We've been using the same daycare since Jacob was 6 weeks old and have been pretty happy with them. I had some issues with them and Clara when I was breastfeeding her. She didn't like bottles, pacifiers and I was crazy enough to only give her breastmilk until she was 6 months. So Monday a.m., I spent a little more time talking with the teachers, told them what and why I was breastfeeding exclusively for 6 months, that I'd be in every a.m. Isaiah was there and to let me know if he acts like he wants more in his bottles. Monday, he only ate 5 ounces (after my feeding in the a.m) all day. Today he only took 6 total. Husband has no problems giving him a bottle in the night and he takes 5 ounces. They also had written down his feeding time as 4:00 but I was in there at 3:30. The bottle felt like it had just been taken out of the warmer. So I don't think the girl tried hard to feed him at all. Plus, when I first got there, I caught her with Isaiah's pacifier in her mouth as she put him in a swing. After she turned around and noticed I was there, I said "I don't think that's probably very sanitary". The look on her face was priceless because she had been caught. She then picked him up and changed his diaper, leading me to believe she was being lazy and knew he needed changing but didn't want to do it, but decided she better since his mom was there. Then, I picked him up, put the bottle in his mouth and lo and behold, the child ate the entire bottle. If I can give him a bottle no problems and he knows I have the ya-yas, I think they could perhaps try a bit harder. So I'll be keeping an eye on this girl. I know daycare workers are busy, but I'm paying a lot of money for them to care for my children and to do simple things like, oh, actually trying to feed my son, washing their hands and not putting my son's pacifier in their mouths. A couple years ago, I might have let things slide, but I'm older, and a more experienced mom. We'll see how Monday goes.

Again, Why?

I'm just having one of those days where I just hate that the world isn't fair. Last night at work we were fairly busy. But not with just happy laboring, term, women. No, we had a 22 weeker laboring and we weren't successful in stopping her labor. She will deliver today and her baby doesn't have a chance. We had a patient on post-partum recovering from a 29 week stillbirth. Another former patient who lived on the unit for months on bedrest sent a letter saying her son had passed Christmas night. There are people out there whose babies have serious issues to deal with, even before they are born. People who would be great parents but have recurrent miscarriages, or deliver their baby straight to God. I think what made all this come to a boil was I just reconnected with a girl I went to school with with the beauty of the internet. We lost touch after graduation and we were catching up on each others lives. I saw pics of her beautiful daughter and when I asked her how old she was, my friend told me "She would have been 2 in April, but she passed away when she was 11 months". Sometimes I just want to jump up and down, throw a tantrum, and scream at God for all these horrible things. I know we're not supposed to understand why, and I have talked about this several times before, but I want to know why. Why does the couple who finally got pregnant after years of trying lose that baby close to term, while a crack-addicted mother who has had 8 kids, all of whom are placed in foster care get pregnant over and over again? It just doesn't make sense. A lot of people think OB nurses have the best job because "we get to hold all the babies". While we do, there is a lot of work, and a lot of grief we have to process, and a lot of times, humor is how it gets done. I pray my friend (who is pregnant again) continues to have the strength and courage she's already shown and that her current pregnancy is perfect as pregnancies can get.

I made it through

Well, I made it through my first weekend back at work. I'd been actually looking forward to it, up until Saturday. But, it wasn't too bad. It helped that I was leaving Isaiah with Dad, as opposed to daycare. It's always hard to leave the baby for the first time, but it's been easier every time. I guess it's all part of being a mother. You're always having to "let go" and let them grow from the moment you find out you are pregnant. You have to let go of control over your body, you have to let go when the baby is delivered. And the first time the go to daycare, to letting go of them so they can walk on their own, going to school, getting married, etc. I will be going in the 2 days the kids are there and nursing Isaiah for his first feeding.

Saturday night at work went without any of the things I thought would happen. No emergency c-section, no rapid delivery and no IUFD like I had imagined. It was actually pretty boring. I had 2 antepartum patients (stable enought to be on post-partum) who were monitored 1 hour each shift. They slept the rest of the time. Last night started out the same. I had the same 2 antepartum patients. But then someone came in so I got to go back to labor. And they actually were laboring, rather quickly. It was her 3rd baby, her water broke at 3:15, contractions started 3:30, was 3 cm on admission at 4:15 and she was 9 cm when I left. I had really hoped she would deliver for me. I'm sure she delivered shortly after I left. Anyway, I'm heading to bed for my first "night" of good sleep since, oh, October (hopefully anyway).

And here are some pics to leave you with:

Why God Made Moms

Given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used biggerparts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice inthe world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunkon beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES tochores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Some time for me

I am so excited. Tonight I'm finally getting my hair cut. I had a really cute haircut back right when I found out I was pregnant. And I haven't had it cut or trimmed since. I have a rule that I don't get my hair cut while I'm pregnant because while I was pregnant with Jacob, I had my hair cut just above my shoulders (it had been down to about the bra strap) and styled and absolutely hated it. It really wasn't a great cut, and even though I actually had a picture for the girl to go by, it still looked like crap. So, after Clara was born I treated myself and tonight I'm treating myself again.

I've been working out the last 2 weeks, trying to put an dent in the 20 lbs still hanging around. I hope I'll be back to my pre-pregnant weight by summer. That may be a lofty goal, but I say set the goal high and you may not reach it, but maybe I'll be closer than if I set a lower goal. Anyway, last night, I added in some free weights and crunches to my 30 minute treadmill run-walk. I'm able to run 1.25 miles, then I walk a quarter mile, run a half mile and walk the rest of the 30 minutes. Frustraing because I had gotten my run up to 3 miles right before I got pregnant, and I used to be able to run 7 miles no problem. But that was pre-kids. I also did about 7 minutes on the stairmaster while I waited for a treadmill. I felt great afterwards...but not so great today. I feel like someone has been beating on me. I know it's because I haven't worked out those muscles for awhile. Hopefully soon I won't be so sore.

I'm also hoping that one of these days, Isaiah will once again think sleeping is a good idea. I know it's normal newborn behavior, but he refuses to sleep in his crib and his cradle. We just didn't have that problem with the older two, but we had other issues to make up for it. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, finding I'm sitting propped up in bed, one of the "ladies" hanging out and holding Isaiah. So I guess I'm getting sleep because I wake up, I'm able to function, and I'm not overly tired.

One more week

I fully realized today that on Saturday, I'm going back to work. While I'm ready to go back in some ways, in others I'm not. I just have a feeling I'm either going to have someone come in and deliver before I get a doc there, or I'm going to have a major decel and end up rushing back to the OR. While I am quite capable of managine these two events, I'd like to ease back into it. But labor and delivery doesn't work like that. So we'll see. I do enjoy taking care of pregnant women, and I am a much better mother when I have something else that makes me me. Jacob and Clara are also dying to go back to school and see their friends. But at the same time, I have to get used to someone else taking care of my baby. Like all mothers, I end up worrying they aren't doing things "right". And it is still RSV season and like I've said before, I'd hate for him to get that. But I'm only working 8 hour shifts this weekend instead of my usual 12. And man am I going to love, love, love Monday morning. I'll come home to an emty house and I'll be able to (potentially) sleep for 8 hours straight. In reality, I'll sleep for a maybe 4 hours and then I'll roll over onto my filling breasts and need to pump. That's after I had to tear myself away from daycare after nursing Isaiah for his first feeding and after I've finally able to realize that he will be just fine in the capable hands of daycare. The other two survived.

So since I've been on maternity leave, we've managed to get Clara potty trained completely during the day. She is perfectly capbable of using the potty and washing her hands while singing "happy birthday" two times. She's done well getting herself clean as well. She does wear a pull-up to bed and occasionally at nap time. Today I decided to put a pull-up on her because I just didn't want to have to wash her bed sheets. As she changed, I noticed she had quite a good amount of toilet paper stuck to her. I'm surprised it wasn't bugging her quite honestly. I've been getting the "bargain" tp since I've been off work, so maybe that was the problem, or it could just be because she's 3. Who knows. But it reminded me of my experiences with pregnant women and hospital toilet paper. I think I'll start buying the good stuff again.

At a loss for words

Today has been one of those days. I'm not complaining, really, because I know how lucky I am to have my 3 healthy children. But, man, were they on a roll today. They hit each other (Jacob and Clara), yelled, screamed, were whiny, and didn't take a nap. Jacob does okay without a nap but Clara still needs it. I know they just need to get out of the house, but it's been so nasty out weatherwise that that doesn't happen. One more week and they'll be back at daycare 2 days a week and that'll help. They miss their friends who are (already) cooler than Mommy.

Tonight I talked with my SIL who delivered her 39.4 week stillborn 4 years ago. Since I found out I was pregnant with Isaiah, she hasn't called much and hasn't been down to visit as often as before. And after Isaiah was born, things are worse. She admitted that a picture of my FIL holding Isaiah looked just like my FIL did holding her daughter. She did alright when Clara was born, (even though I found out I was pregnant with her just 1 month after Mirabel died), but she was blonde and didn't have much hair. Her daughter, Mirabel, had a full head of dark hair. Isaiah has a full head of dark hair. When they were down for Isaiah's baptism a couple weeks ago, she had to get up and leave at the end of the service when the last hymn was "Amazing Grace" - a song played at her daughter's funeral. I just don't know how to act. I can't even imagine how she feels. I have 3 children and she never got to hear her baby cry. We had such big plans for Jacob and Mirabel, since they were born only 5 months apart. I'm not quite sure how to explain, but I really think she's having a hard time. My SIL and BIL haven't had another baby. She always has a reason not to, whether it be finances, or a wedding coming up, etc. She told me she wanted to be pregnant together again, so I really thought they'd go for it when I got pregnant with Isaiah. I guess I just miss the relationship we had before I got pregnant with Isaiah. And it's different now. I feel like she's avoiding me, and really, I wouldn't blame her if she is. I don't know how I would be if I lost my only child and my SIL had 3 kids. I know that nothing will replace Mirabel, but I just want for her to be pregnant and to know what it's like to deliver a live baby. To feel that joy and relief with the first cry. To know the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. But I feel at a loss when I talk to her. I feel like she's waiting for me to say the right thing, but I just don't know what to say.

Sleep deprived ramblings

So I managed to organize my list of blogs I frequent. Hopefully all the links are in right. I'm pretty tired today. I always assumed that the sleeping at night thing gets easier as the baby gets older. Not with Isaiah. I think he's decided that he wants to work nightshift when he grows up because he just doesn't want to sleep. So we went from him sleepin 3-4 hours at a time all night to basically not sleeping at night. It all started the night he slept from about 9:30 to 4:30. And it's progressively getting worse. Last night, I finally got him to sleep about 11:30. I set him down in his cradle and he woke up. So I waited to see if he'd calm down. No, he just worked himself into a fit. So I picked him up and he nestled his head against my breast and closed his eyes. So I waited and tried to lay him down again, and again he woke up. This continued until I nodded off. Then he woke up at 2:30 screaming to eat and then he was gassy for about 2 hours. We tried all the things like mylicon, rubbing his belly, moving his legs around, etc. We tried laying with him next to us and that didn't work. We put him in the vibrating chair where he fell asleep finally at about 5:30. It was pure hell. It was just one of those nights where nothing seemed to be working and I desperately wanted to sleep. I think he just wants to be held, and maybe co-sleeping would work, but I have irrational fears about that. See, when Clara was maybe a week old, I was nursing her in the side-lying position and fell asleep. My husband got up for work and I forgot she was next to me, grabbed a pillow and set it on top of her. I woke up to him grabbing the pillow and putting Clara in her cradle. I freaked out a bit. So I'm scarred from that, but Isaiah's older and we've got to start getting some sleep. Maybe it's just a phase. Ah, the wonderful world of sleep deprivation! Oh well, like they say, I'll sleep when I'm dead! And he's just so cute, it makes it worth it.

Things that make my life easier and more items I like.

1. Frozen meals. All I can say is I'm so glad I did this. I managed to freeze several meals for us before the baby was born so all we'd have to do is reheat. It was wonderful to have real meals that first week or two when I wasn't up to cooking.



2. Mylicon gas drops. I'm not really sure they do a whole lot of good, but it seems to help a little.



3. Here's the swing and vibrating chair I like. I also prefer Avent bottles over others. The Dr. Brown bottles I hear are good, but they look too complicated for me!



4. A couple months before I delivered, I was talking with co-worker pregnant with her 1st about cribs. She was considering getting a crib that wasn't outrageously expensive and someone with one baby told her if she went cheap, it'd never last through 2 kids. This mother spent $600 on her crib. Now I'm sure it's a nice crib, but does the baby really care? No. We got our crib from Target and it was Jacob's bed, Clara's bed and is now Isaiah's bed. And it looks just as good as it did 4 1/2 years ago. My advice would be to get cheaper and if you budgeted more for a crib, put the differnce into a savings account for the baby.


We never used wipe warmers and everyone I know who had one said it dried out the wipes and they stopped using it after about a week. I do want to get one of these before I go back to work. We have a 2 story house and i think the night feedings will be easier for Daddy when I'm at work if we have chilled bottles and a warmer upstairs. And the less hassle it is for Daddy, the less likely I'll get 3am call that the baby won't stop screaming. I never used a sterilizer. Boiling water works and is cheaper. And in the middle of the night, when the baby wakes up, I don't (gasp) use wipes if he's only peed. I do during the day, of course. And obviously if he's pooped I do, but I found that it just wakes him up more, and diapers pull all the moisture away from his skin. Anyway, these are just things that have worked for my family.

Tonight I got a call from work, asking about scheduling, etc. The charge nurse who called also let me know all the things I missed that will basically make my life a living hell when I go back. Lets see, first there's the whole changing of the MD's call groups, MD's in new offices, new partners, etc. Then I missed CPR renewal, our annual TB testing and fit testing. Oh, and we've been going to computer charting on postpartum and nursery and they implemented the newborn computer charting. So I missed that training. And as a sidenote, the computer charting on postpartum sucked, so I'm sure I'll be really happy about the newborn charting. Luckily I usually always work labor. They also changed how our staffing is outlined each day and apparently it isn't aas easy to read. Not sure how it could be confusing, but I haven't seen it. Management seems to have a knack for making things more difficult. And it's pretty much a given that I'll be charge RN on every weekday night I work. So, it should be fun

Man, am I tired

This weekend was pretty busy. My mom and sister were down to visit Friday and my sister stayed Friday night. Saturday night, our old college roommates were down to visit. We only get to see them probably 3 times a year, even though they only live 2 hours away. They are married without kids and are busy traveling and doing couple things. We obviously are busy with the kids, and with me working 50 out of 52 weekend nights a year, it makes it hard to get together. But it was a good time. We just jung out and enjoyed a few adult beverages. I did end up going to bed before everyone else, but still later than I should have. The only bad thing about this weekend is I should have gone to bed earlier on both Friday and Saturday night because Isaiah decided not to sleep Thursday night. He's been kind of a pain that way lately. He'll have one good period of about 4 hours of sleep, will get up and eat and then wake up 1-2 hours later, gassy and hungry again, and then he just can't seem to get comfortable or something because he never really goes back to sleep, although he acts like he's still tired. I finally get him settled down and he'll fall asleep just in time for Jacob and Clara to wake up. And naps during the day just don't seem to happen for me. Oh well, it's just part of it, I guess. I keep telling myself as I look at my bloodshot eyes with dark circles underneath them that eventually he'll sleep better. I'm hoping he'll be like the other two and sleep through the night half the time at about 3-4 months. But, I know he could be like a co-workers girls - they didn't sleep through the night until age 5! I'm sure he'll end up somewhere in between there.

Baby items I can't live without.

1. Purelan. Wonderful stuff for breastfeeding, especially in the first couple weeks when you're really tender.

2. Butt Paste. I first saw this stuff when I was a CNA in a nursing home. The man used it to prevent chafing. This stuff is excellent for diaper rash. This was the only stuff that would clear up the nasty diaper rashes that Jacob got as a baby.

3. Medela breast pump. Love, love, love this machine. Helps me keep my supply up so I can exclusively breastfeed. Although I do end up feeling like I'm milking myself, which I guess in a sense I am!

4. Pampers diapers. These seem to do the best for us in terms of holding in large poops. Others work well, but I like these the best.

5. Baby swing. Works well so I can get some housework done. I'm still holding on to hope that he'll come around and like on of the baby carriers I have, though.

6. Vibrating chair. I love this because the kids can get on his level and talk to him. Sometimes he just doesn't want to be held and this lets him sit, plus the vibration seems to work the gas out of him.

7. Baby Sac. I discovered this at Toys R Us while shopping for a baby shower. It's just the right size for a short trip. There's plenty of space for diapers, wipes, extra outfit, blanket and pockets on the front for purelan, butt paste, etc.

8. A swaddling blanket. I'm pretty picky about what kind of blanket I want to use for swaddling. Really, any will work, but I love a discontinued Amy Coe blanket. It used to be carried at Target. It is thin enough that the baby doesn't get too hot and it will kind of stretch for that snug swaddle. I had them for Jacob and Clara, then they must have been discontinued, but I managed to find a few on ebay.

9. A good nursing bra. Absolutely essential for me to have a good nursing bra. And you can find stylish and supportive nursing bras. Here's a site that Kristina recommended to me.

Work, showers, praying, etc.

I realized today that I go back to work in 3 weeks. Which is good and bad. Part of me wants to be able to stay home with my kids. It's also RSV season and we went through RSV with Jacob when he was 6 months old. I really don't want to see Isaiah up in pediatrics with RSV that he came down with at daycare. But, Jacob and Clara have been begging to go to daycare. I think they're tired of playing with just Mommy and Daddy. And I was watching A Baby Story and I kinda missed work. I keep trying to tell myself I only work weekends and one day during the week, so it won't be too bad.

Tomorrow Clara and I are going to a co-worker's baby shower. It should be a lot of fun. It'll be kind of a girls day out. I daydream about doing stuff like that in the future, but who knows what the teen years will bring.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying for another co-worker. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer last week and had a mastectomy yesterday. She's a single mom, early 30's and the MD found the lump on a breast exam. They are optimistic that with the surgery and chemo she'll be okay. We had a dinner for her on Wednesday to show our support for her. I was talking with her and she said that she never worried about what was going to happen to her. She just didn't want to miss seeing her kids grow up, graduate H.S., get married, etc. It just goes to show you how you never know what tomorrow will bring. And it also shows that you need to do self breast exams and see your MD every year, and report any suspicious lumps you might find. Anyway, I hope she recovers well. Like someone said at the dinner "She's too stubborn; she'll beat it." God willing, she'll be just fine.

Also, thanks to everyone for all the supportive comments left on my post complaining about post-op pain. I'm really doing okay. I just wish I had done things differently. I've been feeling better. The incision is just tender now, I'm wearing jeans and I plan on actually working out tomorrow. I've been paying for a gym membership for that last year and the last time I worked out was September. I quit going after feeling crampy after a work-out while pregnant. I hope that by June, I'll be back into shape, and up for doing a 5K run. We'll see. I'll have to find a really supportive bra for the ladies first, though.

A never ending battle

Ah, the days when I was expecting my first baby, and I would wash all the little baby clothes, fold them, put them away, and rearrange them in the dresser. Oh, the sweet smell of baby detergent and aren't the clothes just so cute? Even after the arrival of my darling baby, I still loved to fold his clothes, put them away and such. I couldn't wait until I had enough for a load of baby clothes, just so I could fold and put them away. Now, the piles of laundry loom over my head like an ever present curse. The pile of laundry piles up higher and higher, and never seems to lessen, no matter how hard I try. Finally as I put the last load of laundry away I think, "Yes, I am woman, hear me roar, I am winning the war!" But the laundry will have it's day. Oh, damn you fate! as I find my 3-year old peed while napping and soaks her bed, and then the diaper on the baby loses it's battle against breastmilk poop and it spills out on the baby's sleeper and blanket. I then find myself, again, with another load of laundry. Someday, I will be the victor over the war. I will rise above the height of the dirty underwear and sock pile. I will reign supreme in the fight against spaghetti sauce stains. I will fight the good fight for all those out there also waging war against the grass-stained jeans and marker covered sweaters. Join me and together we will be victorious. Excuse me, I think I hear the spin cycle...