Today has been one of those days. I'm not complaining, really, because I know how lucky I am to have my 3 healthy children. But, man, were they on a roll today. They hit each other (Jacob and Clara), yelled, screamed, were whiny, and didn't take a nap. Jacob does okay without a nap but Clara still needs it. I know they just need to get out of the house, but it's been so nasty out weatherwise that that doesn't happen. One more week and they'll be back at daycare 2 days a week and that'll help. They miss their friends who are (already) cooler than Mommy.
Tonight I talked with my SIL who delivered her 39.4 week stillborn 4 years ago. Since I found out I was pregnant with Isaiah, she hasn't called much and hasn't been down to visit as often as before. And after Isaiah was born, things are worse. She admitted that a picture of my FIL holding Isaiah looked just like my FIL did holding her daughter. She did alright when Clara was born, (even though I found out I was pregnant with her just 1 month after Mirabel died), but she was blonde and didn't have much hair. Her daughter, Mirabel, had a full head of dark hair. Isaiah has a full head of dark hair. When they were down for Isaiah's baptism a couple weeks ago, she had to get up and leave at the end of the service when the last hymn was "Amazing Grace" - a song played at her daughter's funeral. I just don't know how to act. I can't even imagine how she feels. I have 3 children and she never got to hear her baby cry. We had such big plans for Jacob and Mirabel, since they were born only 5 months apart. I'm not quite sure how to explain, but I really think she's having a hard time. My SIL and BIL haven't had another baby. She always has a reason not to, whether it be finances, or a wedding coming up, etc. She told me she wanted to be pregnant together again, so I really thought they'd go for it when I got pregnant with Isaiah. I guess I just miss the relationship we had before I got pregnant with Isaiah. And it's different now. I feel like she's avoiding me, and really, I wouldn't blame her if she is. I don't know how I would be if I lost my only child and my SIL had 3 kids. I know that nothing will replace Mirabel, but I just want for her to be pregnant and to know what it's like to deliver a live baby. To feel that joy and relief with the first cry. To know the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. But I feel at a loss when I talk to her. I feel like she's waiting for me to say the right thing, but I just don't know what to say.