Chapter closed

Last week, I emptied my cabinets of all the empty breastmilk storage bottles that have been sitting there, collecting dust. I put them in a bag, packed up all my breastpump pieces and put them away for the last time. I have officially closed the childbearing/lactating stage of my life. I had been holding on by a thread, hoping that Caleb was going through a phase, that he'd start nursing again. My plan all along with him had been to let him nurse as long as he wanted. Well, I guess up to 2 years, maybe a month or two more, because he would be the last baby I nursed. He nursed for the last time in early September and I pumped religiously, trying to keep up my supply, trying to make enough milk for one bottle on my 4 days off. I finally tired of pumping and not getting anything more than half an ounce from the right side and drops from the left. Honestly, I am a little sad, but not like I thought I would be. I held out and he did get breastmilk until he was 1 year, but he's been done. It was so much easier to just nurse him in the middle of the night. Now if he wakes up and wants a drink, we have to go downstairs and get him a bottle. No more falling asleep as my sleepy baby falls asleep nursing. While a little sad that phase is over, I also feel free. I finally have my body back to myself...no more supporting someone else, either through pregnancy or breastfeeding. I enjoy not having to hook myself up to a pump. Its nice that I can give Caleb a bottle and he will drink it an fall asleep for his nap. I do miss that connection, that feeling of being very feminine, womanly, motherly. But, here I am, looking back at that chapter of my life, satisfied and very happy. Since October 2002, I have either been pregnant or nursing, with the exception of 16 months. I breastfed for about 5 years. I have been pregnant for about 156 weeks, or 3 years. I will look back on those years with joy, pride, tenderness and much love. I look forward to the next chapter eagerly.

Marathon!

What a fantastic experience! I'm still enjoying the feeling that I finished a marathon! The week leading up to the marathon, I packed my bags, and made sure I had everything as organized for the weekend as I could. I was scheduled to work Friday night and I had hoped to get out of that shift, but ended up working the entire 12 hours. I came home Saturday morning, went to bed until 10am and then decided I needed to get up and get the van packed. We left about noon for the expo, picked up a friend who was coming with us and we were on our way. I did manage to sleep for about 2 hours on the way. It was about 3:00 when we got to the expo, picked up my timing device, packet, and signed up for the pace team then we headed to the hotel. I was exhausted and really wanted to sleep, so we ordered food and I went to bed about 6:30 while Husband and his friend went to the hotel lobby and watched movies on the laptop. I expected to not sleep well at all, but surprisingly, I was pretty relaxed. I managed to sleep right up until the alarm went off at 4am. All of us were up and ready to go and headed to the train station that was just 4 blocks away at about 4:45. I'm such a small town girl, so it was exciting in a way to just ride the "L" downtown...something I've never done before. It was still dark when we got downtown and shortly after 6:15am, I said goodbye to Husband and went to go check my bag, stretch and find out where my start corral was. The energy before the start was amazing. There were people from all over the world there, milling around, all hoping to accomplish the same thing. Most people think marathon runners are crazy, and even ask "Why would you want to do that to yourself?" But everyone there that day knew why. Finally, I headed down and got to my start corral and was amazed at how many people were behind me in the open corral. I couldn't even see my pace team sign they were so far behind me. I knew that would be trouble, especially since 3:50 was the slow pace team in my seeded start corral. I positioned myself in the back and off to the side. About 6 minutes after the signal to start, I crossed the starting line and we were off. I knew I was running too fast but with as many people that were running, I didn't have much choice, otherwise I'd be trampled. The crowd was amazing! The cheers, the clapping and excitement was incredible. The first 5 miles flew by. I kept looking for others in my pace team, but at this point, the slowest pace team member I saw was 4:00. My plan was to run 4miles, walk 1 mile and I decided I better try to stick with that plan, so i walked a tad at mile 5. I felt silly because everyone around me was running, so I only walked maybe a quarter mile and took off again. My pace team average mile pace was supposed to be 13:10...my split the first 10K was 11:18. Way too fast. I tried to slow down, knowing I'd never hold that pace the entire way. I did manage to slow a little and my split from 1oK to half was about a 12 minute mile pace. Still too fast, but I was still feeling pretty good. Saw Husband at mile 12 and he managed to get a few good pics of me still smiling and running. Mile 16, it started to get tough, and decided I needed to walk a mile and used one of my energy gels. It help a bit. I hit the wall at mile 18. I expected this because the longest training run I had done was a very unpleasant 17.4 mile run, and second longest run was 14 miles. I managed to run(slow)/walk on and off until about mile 20. At this point, my shoulders were sore and my left hip was bothering me, so I started to walk, and managed a good clip, but walking. I saw Husband at I think it was between mile 20-21. I was walking and he tried to encourage me on, asked if I was going to start running at mile 21. I said yes, and he and his friend took off to meet me down the line. I got to mile 22 and my muscles started cramping up like nothing I'd ever felt before. They were so tight, it felt like they would snap. I knew I had to keep moving or I'd never be able to finish. The mental part of the race was very tough at this point. Here I've come so far, covered more miles than I ever have before, but I still had a long way to go. I did a lot of praying at this point. Most people at this point were walking more than they were running. I also had given up on finding my pace team. I did see someone with a 5:00 pace team bib, but I didn't care...I just wanted to get to the finish. Mile 23 was the worst. I was so sore, my muscles were tight, I was tired and I wanted to be done. Saw Husband at this point and I told him "no more marathons. This sucks, I want to be done, I think I'm in Hell." The guy walking just ahead of me kinda smiled that smile that said "yep, I feel the same way". Husband tried to walk with me for awhile, but I wasn't in the mood to talk. I was focused only on finishing, even if that meant I had to walk the rest of the way. Mile 23 I think really is the devil's country because your energy is spent and you still have a 5K left to cover. In normal circumstances, that never seems too far, but after putting in 23 miles, it seems like a million miles. I used my last energy gel, hoping for a boost. I jogged a bit here and there, not much, but got to mile marker 24. A lot of people were off on the side of the road trying to stretch out their taut calf muscles. I just kept moving, stretching my legs as I walked. When I saw mile marker 25, I almost cried because I knew I would make it. With 1 mile left, I finally saw my pace team. A lot of good it did me to sign up with a pace team. With 800meters to go, I saw my 2 cousins who came out to support me and they walked with me a bit and I thought, "Ok, I can run a half mile to the finish". I tried and my muscles seized up and my legs weren't working properly. My right leg went out to the side and my left foot cramped up with my toes pointed out. I realized then I wouldn't be able to run anymore if I wanted to finish. So I walked fast. Finally, finally I saw that beautiful banner that said "FINISH". Yes, I walked across the finish line, along with several others, but I finished. They gave me one of those space blankets, a bottle of protein enhanced drink and put a finishers medal around my neck. It felt awesome. After getting my picture taken, I walked to get my bag and meet up with Husband at the mile 27 post race party, where I had a ticket for a free beer. After walking there, I finally felt that maybe I was safe to sit. Finally, Husband and his friend found me and I stood up to go get my free beer and suddenly it didn't sound good at all, and I was slightly nauseated standing up. So for about 5 minutes, I sat and changed my shoes and just tried to enjoy the moment. We met up with my cousins for a bite to eat. My legs were sore, I was walking very, very slow, but I was moving. After eating a bit, we went back to the hotel and headed for home. That's when the exhaustion set in and I was in and out of sleep the whole way home. After we pulled in the drive, I realized I was going to have to get up the stairs in order to get inside my house. It was a challenge. My legs were so sore and tight. I took some ibuprofen and after winding down and talking with the kids I went to be. The next day, the soreness was worse. Holy cow, was I sore! It was all I could do to get up and down the stairs and to just walk. Thankfully my MIL stayed to help with the kids. By Wednesday, I felt fine. Today, my legs are itching to go for a run.

My official time was 6:07:34. Not fast, but faster than I had hoped. I hoped only to finish in less than 6:30 and I did. And I came in right behind my pace team. I know it sounds corny, but it was a very empowering moment for me when I finished. It was something I always said I wanted to do, but never thought I actually would run a marathon. It was the toughest thing physically I've ever voluntarily done, and the mental aspect was equally difficult. But the reward is so sweet. Yeah, I had to walk the last 6 miles, but I finished, and finished faster than my goal. It was something that I did on my own, no one could train for me or run it for me. I made a lot of mistakes in training...like not training enough. Being placed in a seeded start corral was also a big factor. If I had been in the open corral, where I belonged, I could have started out slower and not worn myself out as fast as I did. Maybe I could have finished faster. But I'm happy. And even though the words "no more marathons" came out of my mouth several times that day, I want to run another one, but this time train the proper way with enough time. If I can do that and hold my usual pace, I think I can finish in 5 hours. The pace I ran at the beginning of the marathon was a comfortable pace for a 6 mile run...if I can train to that pace, my estimated finish was a little over 4 hours. I don't know if that's doable or not, but 5 hours I really think I can do with proper training. Anyway, I finished, and now I can say I've done a marathon!

Marathon in 2 days!

I've been pretty quiet lately, not for lack of things going on or things I want to talk about, but because it's been pretty busy around here. The marathon is on Sunday and I'm trying to get my last minute stuff done. I'm done running until Sunday. I'm still pretty nervous about my lack of training and preparation. I could have done a lot more, but I didn't. I think I'll be ok because I'm not going out there to run a fast race, or to even run the entire thing straight through. That I'm not ready for. I'm sure I've talked about this before, but I have a plan. Tonight I have to work (not a good move on my part) and then tomorrow morning I'll come home and go right to bed. Husband's parents will be down early and Husband will go do our mandatory volunteer work at the kids games from 9a -11a. Then he'll come home, and we're leaving at noon. We're heading straight for the expo to get my participant pack, bib and timing device and from there we'll check into our hotel. Depending on how things go, we may meet up with a cousin of mine, but his wife is expecting and due any day and pretty uncomfortable so we're going to just see how she feels. Plus, really, I need to rest as much as I can. At the expo, I'm signing up with a pace team of 5:45 that runs 4miles/walks 1 mile. I've read that for your first marathon that you should run/walk and just take in the experience that is the marathon...and then go all in for your second. So that's my plan. I hope it works out for me. I have my pre- and post- race bags ready to go with my clothes for the race, with my name written in big block letters on the front, my energy gel, running shoes and socks, ipod playlist is ready to go and charged. Post race I have a change of clothes, sandals, baby wipes and a bottle of water. I'm ready as I can be. One concern I have is the weather. The usual temp is about 66 degrees, but the forcast is calling for mid to upper 70's. Fine for the morning, but because I'll be running into the afternoon a bit, that could be a little warm. But I'm pushing fluids now, making sure I'm well hydrated ahead of time. Plus I guess I ran the half marathon in warmer temps than that, I just wanted 60 degree temps. We'll see how it goes!

Harvest

Early this past summer, I was on my way home from work, and it was probably around 7:30am or so. I noticed a line of corn knocked over, like a car had veered off the road into the field. Sure enough, as I got further on, there were a couple emergency vehicles and an SUV in this little valley between cornfields. I figured someone lost control over their car, and went off the road. Since the SUV was upright and appeared undamaged, the lights weren't flasing on the emergency vehicles, and no one appeared to be moving too quickly, I assumed everyone was just fine. Turns out a mother and nurse was on her way to work that morning, had a heart attack and had died there in the field. That straight line where her SUV went through the corn is still very visible. Someone placed a cross at the place where she entered the field. Every day I drive home, I see that path and I wonder if her family drives that direction. How painful of a reminder that path through the corn must be. As harvest season is upon us, I wonder, when the farmer harvests that field, will it be a relief to see that sad reminder of her last few moments? Or will it be painful, to see that the scar left on the field is gone, even though the scar on their hearts left by her absence remains?

One Year Ago...

At 3:47 am, I met my handsome little Caleb face to face! What a ride it was getting him here! I reread my birth story and I can see the anxiety and frustration in my "voice". I am much more at peace with how things went than I was a year ago. Happy Birthday little guy! It's been a wonderful first year!!

T-3 weeks!!!

The marathon is coming up in 3 weeks!! AACK!!! I'm starting to freak out more and more as M-day gets closer. I gave up on the idea of a 20 mile run before the big day. Yesterday I did get in a 17.4 mile run and I did it in 3:25, so I feel better. And I'm not really too sore today, surprisingly. Yeah, my calves are a little tight and my hips are a little stiff, but not bad at all. After my half marathon, I was pretty sore for a few days, so I expected more ache after 17 miles. Guess that's a good sign! My average mile pace was 12.5 minutes, so it's much better than what I expected. The pace team I'll be running with runs a 13some minute mile, so seeing my average mile pace was just a tad faster felt good. I will say that the last mile or so of the run, I was hurting a bit. My quads were on fire and my feet were starting to protest. I wasn't out of breath or anything, in fact I could have had a conversation with someone, but my muscles were unhappy. That does concern me a bit because I will still have 9 more miles to go. I'm hoping that a slightly slower pace and the adrenaline of running my first marathon will help carry me through, although I know at probably mile 19-20, I'll hit the wall and it will be a battle to finish. Next week starts my tapering...part of me wants to try another long run of at least 16 miles, but I I know I need to be kind to my body and let it recover completely before running 26.2. I'm still waiting on my packet to come in the mail that I have to take with me to the health and wellness expo so I can get my number and chip. Once I have that, the only thing left to do will be to figure out what shirt to wear. Oh, yes, I've heard that the marathon shirt is important. I'm still tossing a few ideas around in my head, but haven't decided what to do yet. I still have a little bit of time left. When I run, I run alone...and the only things to see are corn and bean fields. Ok, so know that we're in harvest season, I see the occasional harvester, and I'll have you know I run faster than a combine harvesting corn! Anyway, so my runs are boring, lonely and lack scenery. Marathon day I'll be running the streets of downtown Chicago. How amazing will that be?! Plus there will be thousands of people there cheering me on. I think that will help the miles go by much quicker than they do when I run on my own. That's my hope anyway.

About a Month Left until M-Day

It's been a busy few weeks around here. School is in full swing, big kids are busy with football and cheerleading, and I'm trying my darndest to get out and run. The marathon I am running is coming up in 1 month and 2 days. I am so not ready for it. I still can't believe I'm really going to run 26.2 miles, willingly. I've been reading up on training and other people's first marathon experiences. I don't know if the stories help or are making the fear worse! A common theme is people are sore for a week after running, can't walk down stairs, and are ready to throw in the towel and quit as they enter the devil's territory at mile 20. Most people train for months for a marathon, getting in a few 20 milers ahead of time. The longest I've run is 14 miles. I've gotten in several 10-14 mile runs, but no 20 milers. And I'm not sure I'll get one in. This really isn't how I wanted to train for my first marathon. I wanted to feel more ready. My goal is to run at least two 16 milers beforehand. The biggest problem I have is finding the time to do these long runs. I'm not fast at all, so I need a block of 4 hours or so if I want to get in a 16 mile run. I did 14 miles in 2:50. That's a lot of time to block out of a day when you work full time, have kids in activities and the sun starts setting earlier and earlier. I do have a plan. My main goal is just to finish it in under 6:30 because that is the cut-off time to be an "official" finisher. I'm not worried I can't do the distance, I know I can do the 26 miles, I'm just worried I can't do the miles fast enough. If I'm going to run the damn thing, I sure as hell want to be an official finisher! I'll be signing up with a pace team of 5:45...that way I'll start out slow, have someone to pace me, and if need be, I can slow down a bit and have some time to play with to come in under 6:30. Holy cow, I could be running for more than 6 hours! Most people who run marathons probably have a goal to come in under 4 hours. I can't even imagine being able to run that fast for that long at this point. There are times I think that I must have some kind of mental illness because I'm going to run it, despite the lack of adequate training in my mind, and after reading the stories of how miserable people feel during and after the race. But there is also something else common in marathon stories - that sense of accomplishment. The feeling that people get when they cross the finish line, that they did something most people never will. A marathon is a purely personal, solo victory. There isn't a team to help you if you start to slow down and run out of steam. No one can train your mind and body to run for hours. No one can run it for you. I can only imagine what it will feel like when I finally cross that finish line, knowing that I accomplished something I thought I never would. After 4 kids, with the youngest being only 12 months, I will have completed my first (and maybe last) marathon. Who knows, maybe this will be the first of several marathons. Guess we'll have to see.