Yes, I'm still dwelling on Caleb's birth. I don't want to, but the feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, etc are still there. Surprises me a bit, I'll be honest. That whole day leading up to his birth, I knew deep down I needed to be there, as a patient, and that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital pregnant. Another part of me felt silly, since my cervix hadn't changed all day. Then I started feeling ignorant, that I didn't need to be there after I was told "You are just someone who's going to contract. I'm not rushing you back for a c/s unless you make significant change". It was said as if I wanted to be delivered. Which I did not. Not at 34 weeks anyway. Then there are feelings of guilt that I did too much. Since nothing had changed over the 10 weeks I contracted, I kept on going. Maybe pushing with a patient for 3 hours was too much that night. It may not have made any difference, and I know that. Obviously up until then, it didn't cause any problem. I know I didn't cause it. I also feel guilty that I felt vindicated when I kept right on contracting on Mag and especially when my water broke. It was like saying "See? I TOLD you there was something wrong". I know rationally it was probably just going to happen. But the emotional side still creeps up. Caleb is almost 12 weeks and I still cry everyday for no reason. I'm irritable, I'm tired but I don't sleep well. I'm finding it hard to get out and do things, like run, which we all know I really enjoy. I still run the kids all over God's Creation and I do go run when I can, etc because I know I need to. Whenever Caleb goes to the pediatrician for a check-up or his Synagis vaccine, I feel that I let him down because I couldn't stay pregnant. And I know it's all irrational. I think the return to work stirred it up again as I started to hear details of things that were said. I had tried to tell myself that I was just exhausted and not in a right state of mind and that my perception of how I was being perceived was skewed. But each night I've been back, I've heard more and more about it, about things that were said, the eye rolling and attitude. Apparently I had some nerve going and letting my water break in the middle of the night and it was incredulous that I would want Husband there for delivery...Caleb was never in any distress. Ever. I looked at the strip. Never did I think I was being unreasonable. I didn't want to be a pain in the butt. I did look over my record, something I've done with each birth, just because, I guess. I noticed the number of phone calls made to Doc. None of them were at my request. Ok, so I did make one request right after the Mag was started in the morning that I not have to have a catheter and be able to at least drink. But that was it. I hope she didn't think I requested the phone calls be made. I'm not like that. All I wanted to do that night was sleep. I try not to complain (although here I do...it's my outlet) and I try to not be a wimp. When I had my D&C and was in the process of actively miscarrying and in significant pain, when asked, I rated my pain at a 6 and tried to "buck up" and take it. My sister stepped in and made sure they knew I was in a lot of pain and that I try not to complain too much, as she knows me better that anyone, other than Husband. I also laugh when I'm nervous, to keep from crying. Most people know that about me. I hope my nervous laugh that morning wasn't seen as me taking things lightly. I wish my coworkers would stop telling me more about the provider side that night. I might tell them as much this weekend. I was much happier not knowing the details, as the patient. I do have to work with Doc every weekend. I've always worried about what people think about me. I hate that Doc saw me that way - another pain in the ass patient who got her up out of bed in the middle of the night and wanted to wait just a bit to be delivered by c-section until her husband was there. I honestly would have been fine that night waiting until 6 or 7am to be delivered as I hadn't started contracting anymore than I had been all day. I did talk to her at my 6 week appointment. Felt a bit better afterwards, especially about the lack of interventions up until that point. I wouldn't have wanted to be on bedrest, on brethine and off work from 24 weeks on. For 10 weeks, my cervix didn't change. Had I received steroids after the positive fFN, it wouldn't have made much difference because it was about 5 weeks later when he was born. And he was fine anyway. When things picked up and didn't stop with terbutaline or procardia, that's when she ordered the big guns. Had the Mag worked, I would have been on bedrest at the point on. So that part I'm feeling better about and I hope I was able to convey that I never meant to be difficult, that I didn't do anything to purposefully make myself contract and that I never hoped to be delivered at 34 weeks.
I wish I could have a do-over. I'd have Husband stay with me overnight at the hospital and have my mom at the house with the kids, just in case. Heck, I'd go back and stay home from work that night, and maybe, just maybe that would have made a difference. Or maybe not.
Never, ever underestimate how important a woman's labor/birth is and how much that will affect her days, weeks, months, even years down the road.