2 years

Just remembering...2 years ago, I miscarried baby #4. While the pain of that loss has been eased in a way with the birth of Caleb, it's still sad. There was a little life there with us, if for only a brief time. And that little child led us on the path to bringing Caleb into our lives. If that child had lived, we wouldn't have this precious little 11 month old. At the same time, I wanted that child here. One day, I'll meet that soul I believe. But for today, I'm remembering...

Half Marathon....check!

I did it! I finally ran a half marathon! I've been training since, I think April and this past Saturday, I actually ran it! And it was awesome! My main goal was to finish, but because I have such a competitive nature, I had really hoped to come in under 2:45...my official time was 2:25:19! I beat my goal time by 20 minutes. I'll admit, it wasn't easy. I felt great for the first 7 miles. I have a tendency to start out way too fast. It's easy to do because there are so many people at the start and everyone sort of moves in a group...plus the adrenaline of running a race kicks in. At the 1 mile mark, I was at 8:58. It was a much faster pace than I should have been running for a half-marathon. I tried to slow down, but I hit 2 miles at 19min, 3 at 29min, 4 at 39 minutes on up to 6 miles...then I started slowing down. The toughest mile was 8-9. I did manage to run to mile marker 9, but then I had to walk a little past the water station. (I walked through all the water stations because I'm not coordinated enough to run and drink from a solo cup...but it was only a few steps). Miles 10-12 were pretty tough and I was ready to be done. Finally, I could see the flag and a hill to go over the interstate and get back to the track. A guy there said we were only half a mile away. Thank goodness! I knew my kids would be at the finish and I wanted them to see me finish running, so I walked up the hill and ran the rest of the way. Seeing my kids at the finish line was the boost I needed to finish strong! It's a sort of cruel joke that you get to the track and you can see the finish line...but you have to run a lap before you cross! When you are tired, even after running 13 miles, a lap can seem like forever! I gave Isaiah a high five as I got onto the track and as I came around to the side that the finish line was on, Isaiah ran along the fence as I crossed the line! It was an awesome feeling! I'm pretty sore this am. Stairs are not my friends, especially if I have to go down. But I accomplished a goal! I'm still celebrating but I've got some major, major training to do to be ready for a full marathon. At mile 12, I had serious doubts about whether or not I can be ready for 26 miles so soon. I still have doubts, but I've got to try. But for right now, I can say I've run a half marathon and I'm looking forward to doing it again!

Murphy's Law of Motherhood

You have sports practice for 2 of your 4 kids at 5:30, and you managed to feed them a healthy yet satisfying light meal at 4pm, get them water for practice, they are dressed (which is something for a momma who know nothing about football gear), baby is fed AND bathed after a blow-out diaper, the 3-year is excited for the park, and you *think* you have everything you need for the baby in the to-go-baby-bag should he get hungry/need a diaper change/want a toy, but you thought wrong. As soon as the 2 kids take off for their respective fields, and the 3 year old is outside ready to go play on the swings, the baby will projectile vomit his entire supper as you open the van door to pull him out of his carseat. And while you have wipes and a diaper, you realize you forgot a change of clothes.

Murphy's Law of Motherhood #567

"From that day on, if I was ever going somewhere, I was running!"

Love that movie, Forrest Gump. Anyway, since May, I've been training for my first half marathon, which is coming up on the 20th! My training has been going very well, I'm up to 12 miles, which is the farthest my training schedule has me run, until race day anyway. I'm ready, I will probably have to walk a little bit here and there, but my goal isn't a great time...I just want to finish the 13.1 miles and be able to say that I did it. It's been a huge stress reliever for me and in a way, giving me confidence. Each mile I add to my long run has been therapeutic and given me a renewed confidence in my determination and physical ability. I never thought I'd get to a point where I could say "Yeah, I can run 13.1 miles, I'm ready".

I haven't even run that half marathon, but I'm already looking forward to my next challenge: a full marathon. I entered a contest to win an entry to a marathon. They asked for people's stories as to what their motivation to run is. I still don't know why I did it because I'm sure not ready to run 26 miles, but something made me submit my story, my motivation. And guess what? I now have an entry into a marathon this October! I'm pretty nervous about it because I didn't really think I had a chance, so I was quite surprised when I saw I was among the winners. My initial thought was "Oh, crap! I can't do this! Not that soon!" but as I thought about it, there was a reason I submitted an entry. Something pushed me to do it. And I meant every word, that I want to be a role model for my children. I want them to see firsthand that even though the road to attaining a goal might be tough and take many miles, if you believe in yourself, work hard and give it all you've got, you can reach that goal. That's exactly what I'm going to do. It's going to take a lot of time, sweat, hard work and determination, but I will do this. I will complete a marathon this year. Eek!!!

Here's my story:
I've always considered myself a runner and thought that one day, I would run a marathon. After getting married and starting a family, I found it hard to make time to get out and run. I'd still get out when I could, ran a few 5K's, but I never really made the time to push myself and train for that marathon. It became just a pipe dream. Last year, after a difficult pregnancy, and preterm delivery of my 4th baby, I slipped into that dark world of post-partum depression. Determined to find myself again, I started running, setting a goal to run a 5K, 5 mile race, 10K and then a half marathon in August. I have successfully left post-partum depression behind me, ran that 5K, a 5 mile race, and I'm prepared to run a half marathon, looking ahead to running that first full marathon. Not only do I run for myself, but for my 4 children. I don't want them to think any dream, goal or aspiration is out of reach. I want them to know that if you set your mind to do something, work hard and believe in yourself, that you can do anything.

Telephone Triage

One weekend, the scrub tech answered the phone and got this panicked look on her face. She had wide eyes with a look of panic and said to whoever was on the phone "You need to come in but I'm going to have you talk to a nurse". It was a grandmother to be and she said "My daughter is pregnant, (went through a whole health history), her water broke and the umbilical cord is hanging out. Do we need to come into the hospital?" Now this is not unheard of, it rarely happens, but I can remember someone who had come in because she had something hanging out of her vagina, and it was indeed the cord, and thankfully it hadn't been compressed too much....I think because the baby was transverse or breech, but baby was delivered and fine. But it is a true emergency. After a few quick questions, it was determined that it sounded like a cord, and since you can't assess over the phone what is going on, and because of the potential serious nature of a cord prolapse, she was told "Yes, you need to have her get into a knee-chest position, hang up and call 911". Thankfully, anesthesia was already in house, we had an OB doc there who had just finished a delivery who had overheard the phone call, OR was opened and we were all ready. We figured she'd already have a IV in from the ambulance ride, doc would do a quick sono to make sure we had a reason to deliver urgently and we'd were ready. So a bit later, she rolls in, smiling, sitting up on the cart and we quickly check to see if we in fact have a prolapsed cord. The patient states "Oh, I pulled it out". Everyone is dumbfounded, and she holds up an emesis basin....with her mucus plug in it.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, the tension lifted like a heavy blanket. There was never any doubt that we made the right decision to tell her to come in. We aren't allowed to give out info over the phone, all we can say is call your doc or come in, because you can't assess over the phone. This is a perfect example.

Wanted to share

I came across this today on another blog, Birth without Fear, and although almost 2 years have passed since my miscarriage, I found this very comforting. Thought I'd share it with you. I believe it is an excerpt from the book Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo.

Mommy, I have two sisters,” Colton said.

I put down my pen. Sonja didn’t. She kept on working.

Colton repeated himself. “Mommy, I have two sisters.”

Sonja looked up from her paperwork and shook her head slightly. “No, you have a sister, Cassie, and…do you mean your cousin, Traci?”

“No.” Colton clipped off the word adamantly. “I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn’t you?”

At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household, and Sonja’s eyes grew wide. Just a few seconds before, Colton had been trying unsuccessfully to get his mom to listen to him. Now, even from the kitchen table, I could see that he had her undivided attention.

“Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?” Sonja said, her tone serious.

“She did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy.”

…

I knew what my wife had to be feeling. Losing that baby was the most painful event of her life. We had explained it to Cassie; she was older. But we hadn’t told Colton, judging the topic a bit beyond a four-year-old’s capacity to understand. From the table, I watched quietly as emotions rioted across Sonja’s face.

“It’s okay, Mommy,” he said. “She’s okay. God adopted her.”

Sonja slid off the couch and knelt down in front of Colton so that she could look him in the eyes. “Don’t you mean Jesus adopted her?” she said.

“No, Mommy. His Dad did!”

Sonja turned and looked at me. In that moment, she later told me, she was trying to stay calm, but she was overwhelmed. Our baby….was–is!–a girl, she thought.

Sonja focused on Colton, and I could hear the effort it took to steady her voice. “So what did she look like?”

“She looked a lot like Cassie,” Colton said. “She is just a little bit smaller, and she has dark hair.”

Sonja’s dark hair.

As I watched, a blend of pain and joy played across my wife’s face. Cassie and Colton have my blond hair. She had even jokingly complained to me before, “I carry these kids for nine months, and they both come out looking like you!” Now there was a child who looked like her. A daughter. I saw the first hint of a moisture glint in my wife’s eyes.

Now Colton went on without prompting. “In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, and she wouldn’t stop hugging me, ” he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn’t enjoy all this hugging form a girl.

“Maybe she was just happy that someone from her family was there,” Sonja offered. “Girls hug. When we’re happy, we hug.”

Colton didn’t seem convinced.

Sonja’s eyes lit up and she asked, “What was her name? What was the little girl’s name?”

Colton seemed to forget about all the yucky girl hugs for a moment. “She doesn’t have a name. You guys didn’t name her.”

How did he know that?

“You’re right, Colton,” Sonja said. “We didn’t even know she was a she.”

Then Cotlon said something that still rings in my ears: “Yeah, she said she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.”

…

“Our baby is okay,” she whispered. “Our baby is okay.”

From that moment on, the wound from one of the most painful episodes in our lives, losing a child we had wanted very much, began to heal.

…

But now that we know our little girl doesn’t have a name yet, we constantly tell each other, “I’m going to beat you to heaven and name her first!”

One month

One month from today, I'll be running my first half marathon! It's a little scary that I only have 1 more month to prepare myself physically and mentally for this challenge. I know I'll be able to finish it, I just want to be able to do it without being last or completely miserable. I've been slowly increasing my distance and I'm up to almost 11 miles, which takes me about 2 hours to run. After I finish those long runs of 10 miles, I am pretty sore and tired. The first time I ran 10 miles, my body just ached all day and all night. I couldn't sleep because of it. It wasn't pain. It's hard to explain exactly what it was, but my muscles were definitely screaming at me that first time. Since then, it's been easier each time with less aching afterward. I only do one long run a week, and the day after is a rest day, so my body can rest and recover. This next month, I will be really focusing on my endurance for about 2 weeks. Two weeks before the race, I will do the only 13 mile run of my training. One week before I'm running a 10K and the week leading up to the half marathon is an easy week of one 2 mile run, two 20 minute runs and then resting up for the big day. I'm excited and nervous already, but I can do this!